There was a time we used to take a chap whose faith we thought was fake, and burn the fellow at the stake --- and so he learned from his mistake, and didn't make it twice. This argument, if not profound (nor strictly logically sound) still worked out rather well, all round, and in most cases it was found effective, if not nice.
But now the fire of faith's gone out, and all we do is yell and shout against belief, or honest doubt, and stamp our little feet and pout, and call each other names. Unedifying? Yes --- and yet a tendency I can't regret: these flamewars on the internet, though heated, never seem to get as hot as actual flames.
I wrote this about four years back, but it's still one of my swingingest bits of satire, so I thought I'd post it here.
Blame The Jews!
You can blame it on the Masons, you can blame it on the PNAC, you can blame it on the Templars, they can hardly answer back, you can blame the Rosicrucians if so you really choose, but you're not a proper paranoid unless you blame the Jews.
Blame the Jews! --- when it's scapegoats that you need. Blame the Jews! --- 'cos they're very bad indeed. It's a simple proposition which you really can't refuse that in any given circumstance you ought to blame the Jews.
They control the world in secret; that's the reason, I would guess why their every single venture meets with such complete success. What nation's half so fortunate in everything they do? So you know whatever happens you can always blame a Jew.
Blame the Jews! --- can't you see the warning signs? Blame the Jews! --- if you read between the lines, then you'll find that all of history is littered with the clues proving nothing ever happens that is not the fault of Jews.
You can blame it on the Marxists, you can blame the CIA, you can blame the New World Order in a general sort of way, you can blame it on Reptilians, but still you'll find your views always sound a bit more crazy if you blame it on the Jews.
Blame the Jews! --- they've a thumb in every pie! Blame the Jews! --- for with methods that are sly they control the price of stocks and shares, the weather, sport and news. Got a problem with reality? You'd better blame the Jews.
I'd forgotten writing this, but came across it looking for something else. It's a jolly little ditty, to be delivered rapidly and with great zest. I call it ...
Nothing Succeeds Like Faunal Succession
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. --- W. S. Gilbert, The Mikado
Way back in geologic time so scientists will all agree my ancestors were blobs of slime and simple as can be, but I'm descended from the blobs that best performed their blobby jobs the blob aristocrats, the nobs --- a noble pedigree! So I'm descended from the best, the creatures that surpassed the rest, excelled them all at Darwin's test and so gave rise to me.
Invertebrates were next to dare to wriggle in the seas and squirm and those that passed their genes on were the finest sort of worm. I'm sprung from those invertebrates who had the most inverte-mates and lots of hot inverte-dates --- a noble pedigree! Oh, what an heritage is mine: one splendid and unbroken line of creatures that made out just fine and so gave rise to me.
When first the vertebrates were grown to swim in oceans far and free and flexed their novel spines of bone in some Devonian sea then all the fish from which I am descended were the best that swam, their schools passed nature's strict exam --- a noble pedigree! and so with pride I must confess my lineage, as you may guess is one long story of success and so gave rise to me.
When tetrapods began to stand and crawl about upon their legs then from the best in all the land who laid the nicest eggs my line descends: from ranks and squads of well-adapted tetrapods whose strength and cunning beat the odds --- a noble pedigree! So I'm descended from the best, the creatures that surpassed the rest, excelled them all at Darwin's test and so gave rise to me.
And in the Cenozoic world when monkeys leapt from tree to tree they munched on fruit and nuts, and hurled their dung with zest and glee: and from the simians that flung with greatest force and aim their dung, this is the line from which I'm sprung --- a noble pedigree! Oh, what an heritage is mine: one splendid and unbroken line of creatures that made out just fine and so gave rise to me.
And every single hominid that passed on their genetic strains did best the things that ape-men did and had the largest brains; and so in each and every case my forbears in the human race competed well and took first place --- a noble pedigree! and so with pride I must confess my lineage, as you may guess is one long story of success and so gave rise to me. Oh, what an heritage is mine: one splendid and unbroken line of creatures that made out just fine and so gave rise to me. So I'm descended from the best, the creatures that surpassed the rest, excelled them all at Darwin's test and so gave rise to me.