Humour VII

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother."Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!""I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!""I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.""No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish ...."I want to live forever," I said."Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"... "Fine," I said, "I want to die after the politicians get their heads out of their asses!""You crafty bastard!!" said the fairy!!

I wonder if he knows of all the other wonderful things that we can glean from sponge-on-a-stick.
Accretion Theory and an alternative
Edited by rueh, : No reason given.

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made byJohnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.You will notice that in small print there is a statement:"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. (I'm going to start using this one all the time)3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. (reminds me of some folks around here)6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)11. Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.13. Glibido: All talk and no action.14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (very reminiscent of discussions here at EVC)15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.13. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.14. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. (this one is just a rip off of George Carlin, still funny though)15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.Edited by rueh, : No reason given.Edited by rueh, : No reason given.

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age. We were the same size as kids.
I just don't get it.""Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?""Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc."Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?""Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.""Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?""Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!""Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?""No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?" replied the man."Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Al Qaeda to go on strike!!Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreementThe unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after this death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60.The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a
chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."Representatives for the union in, Essex, Glasgow, Bilston and also in Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has largely been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. -- Had a few ....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said ..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

It must be so hard to be a courtroom reporter and keep a straight face.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout:
Air in the hands, mother stickers! This is a fuck up!