Humour VII

Men too LOL

this is how i picture the average American

so true

Cause you would be the first pick if we choose to sacrifice someone to a volcano god?? Edited by frako, : No reason given.

A cop in a police station answers the station phoneVoice on the phone: Is anyone there
Cop: Yea we are all here
Voice: Glad to hear that, you just stay there
Cop: Why?
Voice: otherwise i might loose my drivers licence

Jonny was a good boy sitting at his classroom table and one day someone passed a note to him, the teacher saw johny had a note grabbed it opened it and yelled at poor old johnny telling him to go to the principle and show him the note, johnny arrived at the principles office the principle saw him and said johnny what are you doing here you are such a good boy, well johnny said i was sitting in the classroom minding my own business and someone passed me this note the teacher saw it then yelled ad me and sent me to you. Well the note cant be that bad said the principle let me see it the principle looks at the note starts yelling ad poor old johnny and tells him to go home and never come back. Jonny came home and his dad saw him he asked him what are you doing home so early? well johnny said i was sitting in the classroom minding my own business when someone passed me a note the teacher saw the note yelled me and sent me to the principle, the principle looked at the note and sent me home never to come back, the father laughed and said it cant be that bad let me see the note, johnny gave the note with a trembling hand to his father who immediately upon looking the note started yelling at him and telling him to go live with his mother on the other side of town. Johnny packed up his bags and left to his mothers house when he arrived his mother asked him Johnny what are you doing here you are supposed to live at your fathers house by court order. Well johnny said i was sitting in the class room minding my own business when someone passed me a note, the teacher saw i had a note and she had a look at it she yelled at me then sent me to the principles office who in turn yelled at me again and sent me home where my father asked me what i was doing home i explained about the note he looked at it and then yelled ad me and sent me to you. Well the mother said it cant be that bad let me see the note johnny. Johnny gave her the note she read it started yelling at him and told him to go fare away from her never to come back. Johnny left the house and realised that the bus could take him to his uncles house by the coast, when he arrived at the uncles house the uncle asked him Johnny what are you doing here without your parents?. well johnny said It started in the classroom where i minded my own business and someone passed me a note, the teacher saw i had i note and took a look at it she yelled at me and sent me to the principle who yelled me and sent me home to my father who asked what happened looked at the note yelled at me and sent me to my mother, who also wanted to know what happened looked at the note, and kicked me out, i then came here. Well the uncle said it cant be that bad let me see the note. The uncle saw the note started yelling and cursing and told johnny take my boat and go away i never want to see you again. So johnny took his boat and started sailing he became hungry so he started to fish, then he realised he never saw what was on the note. He decided to take a look he checked his pockets and found it while taking it out of his pocket the wind blew it away.

Thing is its better when you tell it to someone and you have to make it interesting as hell, so the listener goes wtf at the end or what was in the damn note.Back to humourA cow was sitting in a tree, then the wind shifted.What do a car and a wheelbarrow have in common?
You cant spread either on a piece of toast.What if blue and flying around?
A fly smuggling jeansWhat is precision?
Shooting of a mosquitoes balls with a bb gun at 100 yards.What is speed?
Taking a dump of the Eiffel tower then running down fast enough to see your ass hole closing.Who is a true artist?
the one who manages to take a dump in the corner of a round room.What is rude?
A: pissing trough the mail slot then ringing and asking how fare it went.
B: taking a dump infront of the door then ringing and asking for toilet paper.
C: pushing your grandma down the stairs then yelling:" as long as your down there bring me a beer when you get back up"What is black?When you ride on a train cart, ith no windows, and you are in the middle of a tunnel at a cloudy night when there is no moon, and you put your sunglasses on and look at a black mans ass.

Il try A cop is furious
Now days you cant trust anything that is written down!!
How so?
I got an invitation to a ball, in the invitation it was underlined twice entry only with a bow tie.
I believed it when i came there i saw others also wearing suits.

he went to the ball naked only wearing a bow tie lol. Probably got lost in translation.Il try some other cop jokes If i remember correctly someone heare is a cop i hope he is not offended.Why do cops wear a hat?
Because every trash can has a lidA cop is hitting a nail on the pointy end.
A noter cop screams:" you idiot that nail is for the other side of the wall"A cop orders a Pica
the waiter asks, on how many slices should i cut it 4 or 8.
Just 4 i couldn't eat 82 cops buy a lotto ticket and they are watching the numbers being drawn
3 we have that, 18 we have that too, 20 we have that, 30 o my god we have that too 35 damn we crossed that one out.2 cops find 4 bombs they put them in their car and drive t words the poliece station. One asks what if a bomb blows up? Then we will say we only found 3 says the other.

Oh yea because cops are considered as dumb as blondes

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"And this one is so true it makes me weepIndian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."The Chief nodded in agreement.The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."Ok one about how small Slovenia is or how dumb Americans are Slovenians decide that enough is enough so we send our 2 planes to bomb new York, gathering the 20 soldiers we have and wait for a counter-attack, the planes come back from the suicide mission explaining how new York is now burning, a weak passed and still no counter attack so the president sends a another wave to attack Washington, the planes come back and report that Washington awaiting a counter attack in the trenches for another weak and nothing happens so they send a third wave on Chicago the planes come back reporting Chicago in ruins and still no counter attack from the Americans, so the president decides to call you president. He asks what the hell is wrong with you are you going to let us bomb the hell out of you and not retaliate.
The American president answers:A) mark my words when we find your country itl turn to glassB) How can anyone in Slovakia still be alive? Edited by frako, : No reason given.

Hehe i think the Germans have a better one, the law for the traffic sign you cant stop or park here has an exemption, People exempt paying a fine are those who for legitimate reasons could not see the sign such as a blind person.

Hehe Dawkins hate mail lolEdited by frako, : No reason given.Edited by frako, : No reason given.

2 planets meet one says whats wrong with you? You look sick.
Oh i have homo sapience. Dont worry i had that too once itl pass quickly.

almost fell out of my chair laughing, then got smacked at the back of my head by my girl.