Humour VII

Just for you,Wii Curling:

A young boy lost an eye in an accident (after his mother had warned him a thousand times, "You'll put your eye out!") His family was poor and couldn't afford a glass eye so his father whittled an artificial eye for him out of wood. Of course it didn't look very real and the other children used to make fun of him and call him "Wood Eye".Growing up, he didn't have many friends and he didn't like to go out because he was self-conscious about his wood eye. When the time came to graduate from high school, his best friend tried to talk him into going to the dance but he didn't want to go. His friend advised him to ask the ugliest girl in the room to dance and she'd be so glad to be asked that she wouldn't even notice his wood eye.So he went to the dance and he looked around the room for the ugliest girl and he went over and asked her, "Would you like to dance?"Her face lit up and she replied, "Would I!"He retorted, "Fuck you, cunt face!"Edited by ringo, : Spilleng.Edited by ringo, : Punc,tu!@#$ation.

The Boston comedy troupe Asperger's Are Us.Love the T shirt.

And I dance like a horse! Better not let Dennis find out, he'll flip his (horse?)shit.

Do you think they mind not being laughed at? I didn't find the video the least bit funny.

Grandpa was telling little Timmy about his experiences during World War Two. It seems that he was in the Norwegian Air Force when the Nazis attacked."I yumped in my airoplane," he explained, "an' I went after dem Nazzies. One focker came at me from da left an' I shot dat focker down. Den anudder focker came at me from da right an' I shot dat focker down too. Den anudder focker came at me from right in front dare an' I shot dat focker down too, you betcha."Timmy was eager to show Grandpa how much he knew, so he said, "A Fokker is a German airplane, right Grandpa?"Grandpa replied, "Dat's right. An' every one of dem fockers was a Messerschmidt."

But hysterically funny, too. NSFW

Via the snail mail:

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Your home was specially selected to represent television viewing in your community.

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In a few days, you will receive a large blue and white envelope in the mail. It contains a short TV viewing survey.

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Take the time to have your viewing count and represent homes in your area. Please complete and return your survey as soon as you receive it.

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It was 2 weeks since I visited my PO box, so I don't know how long the "large blue and white envelope" has been waiting for me. Typically, I pick up my mail once or twice a month.I haven't had a TV in my home for something along the lines of 7 years, and I (maybe) see about an hour of TV in a month.I wonder how many "haven't watched anything" responses they get?Moose

quote:

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Latest Religious Messages - The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that an insane person cannot be executed, no matter how heinous the crime, because he cannot understand why he is being killed. Notwithstanding that, Florida Judge David Glant has ordered John Ferguson, 64, to death for a 1978 multiple-murder conviction, despite evaluations from 30 doctors that Ferguson is an insane paranoid schizophrenic. (At press time, the U.S. Court of appeals is considering Ferguson’s lawyers’ last-second challenge.) Judge Glant acknowledges that Ferguson is delusional, but found that he nevertheless understands why he is being executed. Ferguson’s belief in a Jesus-like resurrection upon death, with a glorious afterlife, is not, Glant said, so significantly different from beliefs (that) other Christians may hold so as to consider it a sign of insanity.

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News of the Weird
Funny Times, January 2013, p. 15Moose

Something similar happened in the UK. A guy killed his favorite co-worker so that when he committed suicide (which he failed to do) he'd know someone in the afterlife. 'Cos otherwise it would be socially awkward standing around with a bunch of dead strangers. Of course, it would also be awkward if the one person you knew there was someone you'd just murdered, but this guy probably wasn't the clearest of thinkers.Anyway, the judge ruled that since his beliefs weren't that different from plenty of other nutty religious beliefs, he wasn't really nuts. And he had a point. Otherwise you'd have all these lawyers going: "Hey, my client is even crazier than that. He believes in the afterlife, and transubstantiation, and Papal infallibility, is he a loony or what?"

The ghost of George Carlin:1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack? How do you refill it?4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Now it is possible to be off topic in a thread where the topic is "Off Topic Posts aka The Rabbit Trail Thread".

What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
He knows where all of the bad girls live!I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I asked, "Implants?"Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.Q: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
A: Snowballs!Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.Don't knock on Death's door.
Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that...Take my advice: I don't use it anyway.Short skirts make a man polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for all the folks in my head.A man had his VISA stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife!Eat right. Exercise daily. Die anyway.When everything's coming your way you're on the wrong side of the street.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?My wife thinks I'm too nosy. But she won't face me to tell me that. She writes it in her diary.