An Open Letter to Movie Theater Patrons in the Same Auditorium as Me
So yeah, I know that the previews are considered "fair game" for cell phone use and talking to one another, but I'm hoping when the movie starts, you'll understand if I would prefer it if you didn't talk. And, I'm not, like, being some "Miss Manners" ogre or something. I mean, I think a whispered comment to your friend or spouse, like, once every 30 minutes or so is okay. And, certainly, if something affects you, like a lot, I love it if you burst out with some noise that indicates this feeling. That's part of the reason I go to the movies... you know, to be with strangers and have both a personal and a communal experience at once. So, if the movie moves you, I think it's wonderful if you let us know in a sort-of non-verbal way. Or at least keep it to one phrase (though some phrases, such as "you go girl" are unacceptable in any circumstance).
I know it's hard for a lot of you to sit patiently and just watch something and let it exist without feeling as if you have something very pertinent to add to the experience for your friends or lovers. And I know a lot of you are trying to be polite by whispering to one another, unaware that you're whispering in a pseudo stage whisper that lots of people, particularly the people right in front of you, can hear quite clearly. I know it's hard, really hard, to not tell someone and the people sitting in front of you something that occurs to your goldfish brain at the precise moment you think of it, because you might forget it later on, thus leaving that observation, pithy comment, or particular confusion lost to the ether.
I understand this. I really do.
With this in mind, I've written a very handy little list of things to remember. Refer to this should you have the urge to speak during the film.
1) Generally speaking, you are not more interesting or funny than a movie. Whatever you have to say, you should reserve it for the ears of people who love you and, thus, forgive you for being this boring and uninteresting.
2) If you think that you are more interesting or funny than a movie you're watching, you should know that the odds of this being the case are about 8,000,000 to 1. Note that these odds recycle themselves every second that the movie plays. So, you have 8,000,000 to 1 odds of being more interesting or funnier than the movie every second. Be warned, this even applies to the most pretentious art-house films. You do the math.
3) Assume that everyone can hear you. Because we can. If you must say something be sure that it is funnier or more interesting than the movie. Remember your odds.
4) Your "free pass" for talking on a cell phone extends up to the moment the previews are over. This is usually demarcated by some cutesy little film for the company that owns the theater you're currently in. At this moment, I will ask you to stop talking on your cell phone loud enough for all patrons to hear. If you refuse, I will ask the projectionist to stop the movie until your conversation is over. And I can be quite persuasive with projectionists.
5) The same rule applies to conversations you're having with the person seated next to you.
6) This may be the most important item on this list. If you are with a friend, lover, spouse and the two/three/whatever number of you haven't talked to each other for some time and would like to spend time with one another, reconsider going to the movies and think about a coffee shop or a restaurant. You can talk quite freely in these establishments and no one will mind.
7) Remember, movies can be a very powerful medium. If you stop talking, stop feeling as if you have to be a part of the experience in any conscious way, relax and let the movie do all the work, they can be powerful enough to change your entire worldview. I realize many of you are just looking to be "entertained" and find the prospect of having your preconceptions about the world challenged in any way to be far from entertaining. I also realize that some of you haven't realized that movie encompass a wide swatch of styles and, thus, are a little disappointed (even angry) when a movie is not made to your particular preferences. I understand that this can be hard to overcome. For those of you who feel this way, I would like to ask you to stay away from all movie theaters and, instead, watch things on your television at home. It is better for all of us this way.
8) Sometimes movies are purposefully confusing for a few moments before they clear things up. If you are lost, don't ask what is going on. Nine times out of 10, the movie will explain it for you. If it doesn't, it's either a bad movie and pointless to ask since very few people will know, or it's purposefully oblique to talk about the ambiguities that plague modern existence and there is no answer to your question. Or both. Either way, your question has no answer and you should spend more time at home reading books.
So that's it! Very easy. It mostly boils down to remembering that there are other people in the theater other than you and your friends. And as the self-centered idiots that you are, I'm sure you will have trouble remembering that until I shout "stop talking on your cell phone" loudly at you. But if you could keep this with you, even just as a matter of good faith, maybe some of it will sink in and we can avoid such unpleasant incidents.
™ Version 4.2
