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Author Topic:   I'm writing a story because I'm bored.
nlerd
Member
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 1 of 24 (635629)
09-30-2011 8:27 AM


This may seem like a weird place to post this but something I wrote in Chapter 2 made me think of EvC and I wouldn't mind getting a little feedback from a place that like enjoy visiting. So if you guys would like (and if its allowed) take a gander and leave feedback.

WARNING: Some foul language ahead so read at your own risk.

Chapter One

Eric Hughes, a perennial night owl, was walking to the gas station at 3:30 am to spend most of his last five dollars on a pack of cigarettes when he noticed a man in dirty jeans and a paint spattered hoodie walking toward him on the sidewalk. "Hello" he said hoping to get nothing more then a "Hello" in return.

"Heeeyy" said the guy.

Haha good thing that dude was stoned out of his mind. Eric thought as he passed the other man. He let his mind drift back to whether a goose or a squirrel would win in a no holds barred deathmatch that he he had been thinking about before he was interrupted by the stoner. When not twenty feet after they passed each other the night was lit by an explosion to the west of them. Eric dove for cover under some bushes lining the lawn of a nearby house.

"What the FUCK was that!? And why are you in those bushes dude?" The stoner who had come back down the street stood on the sidewalk looking down at him. "An accident you think?"

Eric crawled out of the bushes feeling like an idiot. "I...just..I dunno what that was, could have been an accident I guess." Brushing leaves and dirt of his jeans he looked west where he could now see fire flickering off the leaves of the trees down the street. "Maybe we should go check it out and see if anyone needs help?" They were a block and a half from the main street, Broadway, that cut through town where the explosion seemed to have happened.

"Yeah lets go check it out, I've never seen a bad accident before!" Stoner said gleefully.

The two started down the street. When they got to the end of the block Eric heard something strange, "The hell is that sound?"

"What? Fire? There was an explosion dude, explosions make fire sometimes."

Eric shook his head and pointed north up the other street at the interesection, "Down this street, sounds like...like a horse with steaks taped to its hooves or something?" The stoner looked at him like he was crazy then burst out laughing. Eric ignored him and focused on the dark street to their right, the sound seem to be getting closer but he couldn't make out anything in the shadow shrouded street. "I think...what the CHRIST is that?" Eric took a step back bumping into the stoner.

"WHAT dude?" Stoner now was sounding nervous. "Quit messing around man."

"I'm not messing around. There is something...big like halfway down the street. Lets get out of here, that looks like a bear." A bear in the middle of fucking TOWN? Thought Eric, as he turned toward main street and started walking as fast as he dared. The stoner stood still for a few seconds looking down the street before noting that Eric was leaving and broke into a jog to catch up.

A not quite female scream tore up the street toward the men and now both heard the sound of a steak-shoed horse galloping up the street toward them. "FUCK this!" yelled the stoner as he broke into a sprint toward Broadway. Eric thought that was a good idea and started to do the same only to be tripped when his shoe flew off, "OOfff" he grunted as he hit the concrete sternum first knocking his breath out. The stoner turned back to see Eric laying on the sidewalk and what had to be a hallucination step into the light of the streetlamp at the corner.

"What the....Dude, DUDE get up!" he screamed at Eric.

Eric frantically rolled onto his back to see what the stoner was screaming about, to come face to face with a beautiful young blonde woman with eyes as green as kiwi fruit. From the chin up that is, below that was the body of a massive hunchbacked hairless gorilla. "Good god..." Eric breathed. The woman thing put a hand the size of a cookie sheet on his chest and yanked him up of the ground by his shirt and held him suspended a foot off the ground staring him in the face. Eric stared back before his gaze fell to her shoulders and chest and he noticed the seams of her sweater stretched to the breaking point by the masses of muscle under it.

Instinct kicked in and he swung his right fist into her face as hard as he could, the punch rocked her enough to stagger her to her left. She stood stunned, tears forming in her beautiful green eyes before she looked back at him, screeched like a stepped on cat and hurled him down the street over the stoner and into a stop sign. Eric's unconscious body rolled into the middle of Broadway before coming to a stop.

The stoner stumbled to his feet after dodging the man missile and turned to face the woman thing. "Oh god oh god, please don't hurt me please please..." he muttered as he backed away with his hands up palms out in front of him. The woman snarled at him spit blood to one side and charged. "ShhhhiiIIIIIIT!" Stoner yelled as he crossed his arms in front of his face to block the sight of his impending mauling. His every muscle tensed as he prepared for the impact of the behemoth of a woman, just as he felt the vibrations of her charge on the concrete and the first puff of her breath on his arm a blindingly bright flash of blue light exploded in front of his face and he heard a short strangled scream and then a thud down the street.

After a few moments of non-mauling the stoner risked a peek beyond his arms to see what happened. To his surprise the woman thing was laying about 75 feet away on the other side of the intersection back the way the men had come from. "What the hell is going on...?" Completely befuddled he turned back toward where Eric lay and ran to see if he was alive.

He dropped to his knees by the body expecting the worst and slowly carefully rolled him over to check for signs of life. "What?" his befuddlement rising he ran his hands down Eric's arms and legs checking for any obvious injury.

"Please quit fondling me man." Eric said in a slightly slurred voice, "What the hell happened to me...? Oh damn, where is it?!" He jumped to his feet looking around frantically. "Where'd that chick....thing go?

"Shes...asleep. How they hell are you not hurt dude? Hottiezilla threw you like a hundred feet, and you almost snapped that stop sign off it's post when you hit it, how are you even standing?" Stoner asked wide eyed.

"Luck I guess? What do you mean 'Shes asleep'? How are you alright when she tried to hail mary me to Montana? ARE you allright? And how did...wait...where'd your hand go?" Eric asked his shock showing in his eyes.

"What the hell are you...WHERE THE FUCK IS MY HAND?!" the stoner screamed when he noticed that his right arm ended at a ragged bloodless stump halfway between the wrist and elbow. He seemed to gag and then his bugged out eyes rolled back into his head and he fainted.

Edited by nlerd, : No reason given.

Edited by nlerd, : No reason given.

Edited by nlerd, : No reason given.

Edited by nlerd, : No reason given.


You can't spell "believe" without "lie".

Reality trumps logic.


Replies to this message:
 Message 2 by crashfrog, posted 09-30-2011 8:46 AM nlerd has responded
 Message 5 by IamJoseph, posted 10-01-2011 10:15 AM nlerd has not yet responded

    
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 2 of 24 (635631)
09-30-2011 8:46 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by nlerd
09-30-2011 8:27 AM


Show, don't tell. If Eric is a "perennial night owl", show that he's a night owl - don't just say he is.

It's not clear if Eric is supposed to be your POV character, because we don't really see things through his eyes. I feel like you want him to be, but then you also want to describe things as they happen independent of Eric's understanding and perception of them. (For instance, we're still privy to events that happen while Eric is unconscious; that's impossible if we're seeing things through his POV because he has no POV when he's knocked out.)


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by nlerd, posted 09-30-2011 8:27 AM nlerd has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 3 by nlerd, posted 09-30-2011 8:53 AM crashfrog has responded
 Message 9 by IamJoseph, posted 10-02-2011 4:41 AM crashfrog has responded

  
nlerd
Member
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 3 of 24 (635632)
09-30-2011 8:53 AM
Reply to: Message 2 by crashfrog
09-30-2011 8:46 AM


Thanks for giving it a read and the pointers, this is my first time ever trying to write anything (other then for school like 15 years ago) and I think it will help me out alot to get pointers from impartial people.

And as for the pointers I'll see if I can clear some things up.

Eric's being a night owl will become more apparent as the story progresses.

And I'm not TRYING to have the story shown from Eric's POV, he is more of the focus instead of the camera. I think the only thing that imply its from his POV is seeing his thoughts, but I don't plan on that being something you only see from him.

I also have Chapter 2 almost finished if people want to read through that too.

Edited by nlerd, : Added chapter 2 part.

Edited by nlerd, : No reason given.


You can't spell "believe" without "lie".

Reality trumps logic.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 2 by crashfrog, posted 09-30-2011 8:46 AM crashfrog has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 6 by crashfrog, posted 10-01-2011 1:22 PM nlerd has responded

    
nlerd
Member
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 4 of 24 (635636)
09-30-2011 9:15 AM


Chapter 2
Alright here is Chapter 2, which has a bit more information on the characters.

Chapter Two

Eric pulled off his shirt intending to wrap his new buddie's arm to prevent him from bleeding to death even. Seeing no blood he grabbed the arm to wrap it anyway just in case. When he picked the arm up off the ground and started to wrap it he hit his arm on something that wasn't there. Startled he dropped the arm only for it to land as though the hand was resting on the stoner's stomach with the elbow on the ground, where it stayed which didn't make any sense. "I have got to be dreaming this whole night or something." he muttered.

He cautiously reached his hand toward where a hand would be if the hand wasn't obviously gone. When he touched what felt like the back of a hand about an inch above the stoner's stomach his jaw dropped and he sat back staring at the "hand" that wasn't there.

He suddenly leaned forward shaking the stoner "Hey wake up, hey man, HEY WAKE UP!"

The stoner mumbled something groggily before his eyes flashed open and bolted upright eyes wide with terror. Eric grabbed his face in both hands and turned it to face him, "Hey your allright, your all good right now."

Stoner raised his hands and rested them on Eric's forearms "Oh god dude what the hell is going on here?" He looked at where his right hand should be "Why can't I see my hand?" he asked looking at Eric with hopeful eyes.

Eric let go of Stoner's face and shrugged "How the hell would I know man? What happened after I got knocked out?" He asked as he pulled his shirt back on.

"Hottiezilla charged me like 5 seconds after she kicked your ass, I crossed my arms in front of my face to try and give it some cover if she decided to try to tear it off." Stoner said raising his arms to show what he did. "Right before she got to me there was a bright ass flash of blue light and then, next thing I know she was like 75 feet away not moving."

Eric looked down the street to see if he could see her, he couldn't due to the shadows. He looked back, "Where your arms crossed like that?" he asked pointing to the arm with the missing hand which was on the outside. "The weird arm is on the outside, maybe that had something to do with it."

"Yeah my right arm was on the outside, that BITCH made my hand disappear!" Stoner sat pondering for a few moments. "By the way, I never got your name. I'm Andy Sawyer."

"Nice to meet you man, I'm Eric Hughes. You wouldn't happen to
have a smoke I could get would you? I was on my way to get some when insanity struck."

"Sorry dude, I don't smoke cigarettes." Andy said as a pulled a joint out of the pocket in his hoodie and lit it up. "Those things will kill you you know."

"Yeeaahh...You sure you should be smoking that out in the open like this? And are you sure now is the best time to get high?" Eric asked as he looked around to see if anyone noticed.

"I'm not to worried about someone freaking out over a little pot when shit is exploding and hot chicks are Hulking out dude. And every time is the best time to get high. What are you looking at?" Andy followed Eric's gaze to see a flaming transformer on top of a utility pole in the middle of the block to their north. "Oh, well that explains the explosion I guess."

"Yeah but I'm worried about what CAUSED it to explode, some weird crap going on tonight man." Eric headed for the street where they were attacked by "Hottiezilla" as Andy called her. "I'm just gonna make sure that 'Hottiezilla' isn't coming back for more fun."

Eric stopped when he came the stop sign that he hit during his short flight as a human missile. The post of the stop sign was bent 90 degrees about 8 inches from the ground and the metal had actually torn on one side due to the impact. The post bent with so much force that the top of the post deformed and dented the pavement when it hit the street "Holy crap man. I did that to it when I hit it?"

"Yeah dude, that what I was saying. You should have like broken bones or something." Andy coughed out after taking a big hit of his joint. "Aren't you like in pain or anything?" Asked before wandering toward where he last seen Hottiezilla.

Eric pulled up his shirt to look for any bruising that he wasn't feeling, but there were no obvious bruises or red marks to be seen. "I dunno man, must be like those stories you hear of people falling out of buildings or getting hit by cars but not getting a single scratch on them."

"She's not on the street anymore dude, I don't like that" Andy called from halfway up the block, "Lets go find a cop or something, shit is way too weird tonight. Do you have a cell?"

"No I've never had one and probably never will, I don't believe in them." Eric said still patting himself down to feel for any painfull spots. Finding none he headed back to main street again and called back to Andy, "Lets just head to the gas station and see if we can use their phone."

The gas station that Eric had been heading to before they were attacked was on the other side of Broadway two blocks to their south. The two men quickly jogged across Broadway and headed down the street to the gas station.

"What the fuck was up with Hottiezilla anyway dude? How did she get like that? Did you notice she was wearing clothes that a normal sized chick would be wearing? Its almost like she just BOOM grew to the size of a gorilla linebacker instantly or something." Andy was starting to sound nervous again "Maybe someone was doing like science stuff to her or something to make a super soldier or something."

Eric shook his head "C'mon man this is Alexandria we're talking about, where would someone have the equipment to handle something like that? The only places I could think of are the hospital and the 3M plant, I doubt the hospital would have the right stuff and 3M makes duct tape...Who knows what was wrong with her, maybe some weird rare diesease no one ever hears about."

Andy tried to stick his hand in front of Eric's face forgetting it was invisible, so he stuck the ragged stump out insted. "Yeah? How do you explain this dude? What the fuck could make someone's hand become invisible like this?" Rotating his arm side to side to show how everything became invisable if seen from "inside" the invisible parts of the arm, the skin was only visible from the outside so you couldn't see things like bone, muscles, and blood vessels through the invisible part.

Eric shrugged, "I have no idea man, maybe you should go to the hospital after we call the police?" Eric looked over at Andy as they stepped up onto the curb at the end of the block with the gas station on it. "You know you swear alot Andy."

Andy looked chagrined "Yeah sorry dude, I don't always think about what I'm saying." Andy looked at Eric with a raised eyebrow "Are you super religious or something? You seem to say "god" and "christ" alot. Not that there is anything wrong with being religious." He thought for a few seconds "And there is no way I'm going anywhere alone tonight, so the hospital is out unless I can get a ride from a cop or something."

Eric shook his head "Quite the opposite in fact, don't believe in god. I try not to swear too much in public, I tend to use "god" and "Jesus" and the like in the place of curse words. Not to be disrespectful or anything, its just something I do. Maybe some kind of subconscious thing." Eric clapped a hand on Andy's shoulder "I'll stick around with you for a while until we figure out what the hell is going on."

As the two stepped into the gas station parking lot Andy said "You know, I don't think I've seen a single car in like 45 minutes. Where is everyone? The parking lot is empty too."

Eric looked around the parking lot and up and down Broadway "Hmm, that IS kinda a weird. I mean its almost 4 am on a Tuesday but you'd think we would see at least ONE car."

"Yeah dude this is starting to feel like a movie about the apocalypse," Andy said as he pulled open the door to the gas station "I'm half expecting to start seeing zombies and meteors and shit."

Eric chuckled as he follow Andy through the door "Haha man I sure hope thats not the case. Zombies are a pain in the ass." He grinned at Andy and then looked around the store, his grin turning into a look of worry. "Wheres the cashier? HELLO ANYONE HERE?" He shouted hoping someone was maybe in the back stocking the refridgerators or busy with something else. He headed toward the back of the store where the bathrooms and office were calling out to see if anyone else was in the store.

While Eric was walking to the back of the store Andy headed around a shelf covered in bags of chips and candy to see if there was a phone near the check out counter. He leaned over the counter searching for a phone only to stumble backward with a scream into the shelf of junk food.

Eric came running back out into the store after hearing the yell and crash of the shelf "Andy are you okay?!" he asked after seeing Andy sprawled in a mess of wrappers and crushed potato chips.

Andy pointed a waivering finger and said "What the fuck is that on the floor behind the counter?"


You can't spell "believe" without "lie".

Reality trumps logic.


    
IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 42 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 5 of 24 (635772)
10-01-2011 10:15 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by nlerd
09-30-2011 8:27 AM


quote:
Chapter One

Eric Hughes, a perennial night owl, was walking to the gas station at 3:30 am to spend most of his last five dollars on a pack of cigarettes when he noticed a man in dirty jeans and a paint spattered hoodie walking toward him on the sidewalk. "Hello" he said hoping to get nothing more then a "Hello" in return.


The first sentence is too long and looses impact as it creaks along. I would stop after cigarettes.

quote:
Haha good thing that dude was stoned out of his mind. Eric thought as he passed the other man. He let his mind drift back to whether a goose or a squirrel would win in a no holds barred deathmatch that he he had been thinking about before he was interrupted by the stoner. When not twenty feet after they passed each other the night was lit by an explosion to the west of them. Eric dove for cover under some bushes lining the lawn of a nearby house.

Good. Creates curiosity to read on very soon. Your on your way!


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by nlerd, posted 09-30-2011 8:27 AM nlerd has not yet responded

    
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 6 of 24 (635782)
10-01-2011 1:22 PM
Reply to: Message 3 by nlerd
09-30-2011 8:53 AM


I don't feel like I know Eric at all, he seems to come into existence only as the story begins. If he's old enough to be out on his own at night, he's old enough to have a job, have some training, maybe gone to college or the army or something, maybe he had some life experiences, and all that stuff may not matter in a world with magic and gorilla girls, but it's still going to matter to Eric and so it should matter to the people Eric is supposed to matter to - us, the readers. Why does he recognize that the guy is stoned? Is that because Eric is a cop? Or a stoner himself? Why is he a night owl? Because of his job at a video store or as a self-employed graphic artist?

Picking stuff like that at the beginning can be random, but trust me, it'll help you out in act four when Eric is in some kind of bind and you can't figure out how he figures it out. And then it comes to you - "Oh, right - Eric works at Blockbuster, so of course he's seen Buffy like a hundred times; obviously, he knows that you can defeat a lamia with construction adhesive and kerosene."

I know you want to get to the good parts, but fleshing out a character so that he feels real to the audience is a good part. We should see a little more of Eric's normal behavior in a normal night than the thirty seconds or so you show us before the plot starts. Also it's going to help you find a unique voice for Eric, which is something your characters currently lack. Your dialogue doesn't give any clues as to who is actually saying what aside from the usual "said Eric" type indicators. In good writing, those should be unnecessary for the most part - a character's unique voice will be all the indication anyone needs of who said what.

Also, you've missed a lot of opportunities to foreshadow. Your chapter one should really be chapter three, at the earliest. Even in disaster movies where the apocalypse takes all of our characters completely by surprise, they foreshadow the cataclysm. A story about a New Yorker swept up without warning into the events of 9/11 would most certainly start with an intelligence briefing about Bin Laden determined to strike inside the US. Chapter two would be the start of a regular day for our POV character, and it would end with "And so I need those reports by - oh, fuck, did you just see that plane?"


This message is a reply to:
 Message 3 by nlerd, posted 09-30-2011 8:53 AM nlerd has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 7 by nlerd, posted 10-01-2011 5:59 PM crashfrog has responded

  
nlerd
Member
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 7 of 24 (635797)
10-01-2011 5:59 PM
Reply to: Message 6 by crashfrog
10-01-2011 1:22 PM


First off, thanks for all the feedback Crash.

As for Eric's ambiguity, that is kind of what I was going for. Like the story is from the point of view of "someone else" who just happened to be on the street at the moment Eric and Andy passed each other, that person wouldn't know anything about either man unless they told that "someone else" about themselves.

And as for the dialogue being kind of...bland. I'm trying to give the characters more unique voices, I think Andy does "sound" a bit different then Eric at this point though. Dunno if his dropping "dude" and "fuck" left and right is enough though.

I haven't started chapter 3 yet. I'll probably start it later tonight, can't leave my adoring fans in the dark!

Edited by nlerd, : Added junk about chapter 3 and lied about fans.


You can't spell "believe" without "lie".

Reality trumps logic.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 6 by crashfrog, posted 10-01-2011 1:22 PM crashfrog has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 8 by crashfrog, posted 10-01-2011 7:15 PM nlerd has not yet responded
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crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 8 of 24 (635801)
10-01-2011 7:15 PM
Reply to: Message 7 by nlerd
10-01-2011 5:59 PM


Like the story is from the point of view of "someone else" who just happened to be on the street at the moment Eric and Andy passed each other, that person wouldn't know anything about either man unless they told that "someone else" about themselves.

Except that he can hear their thoughts, too? It's your story, I hope you'll continue to write it as you see fit. Regardless there's a number of common "best practices" for fiction writers, and they're not adopted because fiction writers want to be exactly like each other, they're adopted because, in practice, they've emerged as generally the best way to tell a story such that audiences are engaged and entertained. But, your first go-round doesn't have to be perfect. Like I said I hope you'll keep using your own best judgement. I just wanted that out there.

Audiences don't want to read about heroes, they want to be the hero. The most engaging writing gives the audience somebody to be. If all your characters are basically a mystery, or are no more fleshed out than a random person you might meet on the street, the audience doesn't know who to "be."

I think Andy does "sound" a bit different then Eric at this point though. Dunno if his dropping "dude" and "fuck" left and right is enough though.

For my own part, I think you can learn everything there possibly is to know about writing by reading William Gibson's Neuromancer. Here's an example from that novel of what it means to me for two characters to have different voices:

quote:
"I'm doing just fine," said Case, and grinned like a skull. "Super fine." He sagged into the chair opposite Ratz, hands still in his pockets.

"And you wander back and forth in this portable bombshelter built out of booze and ups, sure. Proof against the grosser emotions, yes?"

"Why don't you get off my case, Ratz? You seen Wage?"

"Proof against fear and being alone," the bartender continued. "Listen to the fear. Maybe it's your friend."


You can see how Case and Wage don't just talk differently - they see differently. They're looking through different eyes and looking at different things. Case is all business, he wants to keep up appearances. He's looking at someone who maybe knows something he wants to know. Ratz has a philosophical bent - he's looking at a case study in medicated self-deception. They don't just use different words, they talk past each other because even though they're seated at the same table, in the same novel, they perceive two dramatically different situations. (And, of course, part of the irony is that Case is the novel's POV character and Ratz is a bartender who is in, like, two chapters.)

But, of course, doing that requires having a pretty good idea of who your characters are. Case, as it turns out, has a pretty good reason to keep a laser-beam focus on his "biz". If he tries to take in the bigger picture after what happened to him, he's just going to fall apart at the seams. (No spoilers, though.)

If you post chapter three, I'll change up my posts and tell you what I liked. I've probably been critical enough.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 7 by nlerd, posted 10-01-2011 5:59 PM nlerd has not yet responded

  
IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 42 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 9 of 24 (635833)
10-02-2011 4:41 AM
Reply to: Message 2 by crashfrog
09-30-2011 8:46 AM


quote:
Show, don't tell. If Eric is a "perennial night owl", show that he's a night owl - don't just say he is.

Doesn't this depend if its a movie screenplay [show, don't tell applies] - or a novel? In the latter one can write in the third person.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 2 by crashfrog, posted 09-30-2011 8:46 AM crashfrog has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 10 by crashfrog, posted 10-02-2011 11:04 AM IamJoseph has responded

    
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 10 of 24 (635862)
10-02-2011 11:04 AM
Reply to: Message 9 by IamJoseph
10-02-2011 4:41 AM


Doesn't this depend if its a movie screenplay [show, don't tell applies] - or a novel?

No, not at all. The difference between showing and telling is this:

quote:
1) Eric was a night owl.

2) Eric managed to flag down Mac just as he was about to lock up the Kwiq Stoppe. "Hey, Eric. The usual, I presume?"

"Yeah, Mac, the usual." Marlboros and a Four-Loko. It was going to be another long night.


In the first we're told that Eric stays up late. In the second we're shown that he stays up late; it's a conclusion we draw from the fact that Eric is out and about while other people are closing up; that he buys cigarettes and an alcoholic energy drink; and that these are things he does fairly frequently. The audience concludes that he's a night owl in a much more authentic way than if they were simply told that.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 9 by IamJoseph, posted 10-02-2011 4:41 AM IamJoseph has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 11 by IamJoseph, posted 10-02-2011 2:46 PM crashfrog has responded
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IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 42 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 11 of 24 (635871)
10-02-2011 2:46 PM
Reply to: Message 10 by crashfrog
10-02-2011 11:04 AM


Don't you think your example is of a movie, where the 'show don't say' is mandatory. But this is not so in a third person telling in a novel, e.g Shakespeare. The third person writer can add embellishments independent of the dialogue as deeper cadence of the action.
This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by crashfrog, posted 10-02-2011 11:04 AM crashfrog has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 13 by crashfrog, posted 10-02-2011 8:40 PM IamJoseph has responded

    
IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 42 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 12 of 24 (635873)
10-02-2011 2:51 PM


IMHO, OI is a good writer with an engaging style. One relates to his earthy imagery, which does not lack instances of contemporary literary brilliance. I am looking forward to the next chapter - I hope the story matches the great writing style.

Edited by IamJoseph, : No reason given.


    
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 13 of 24 (635904)
10-02-2011 8:40 PM
Reply to: Message 11 by IamJoseph
10-02-2011 2:46 PM


Don't you think your example is of a movie, where the 'show don't say' is mandatory.

How could my example have been of a movie, when it was words?

The third person writer can add embellishments independent of the dialogue as deeper cadence of the action.

I think I've failed to communicate my point, I guess. Embellishment is ok. It's not that writers have to show, its that a good writer shows rather than tells because it makes for much more engaging writing. If you feel that (1) is somehow a more engaging excerpt than (2), then I've completely failed because my intent was for it to be the opposite. I think (2) is the much more engaging piece of writing.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 11 by IamJoseph, posted 10-02-2011 2:46 PM IamJoseph has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 14 by IamJoseph, posted 10-02-2011 9:54 PM crashfrog has responded

  
IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 42 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 14 of 24 (635910)
10-02-2011 9:54 PM
Reply to: Message 13 by crashfrog
10-02-2011 8:40 PM


I guess a writer's spin rules, it is transcendent of the rules, whether this is pitched in show, tell or as V/O or flashback. At the same time, leaving bits and bytes to the imagination is the most powerful: we hardly saw the jaws in Jaws, the music spoke loads of what we 'imagined' was coming but never did. At this point of the story, I am wondering what an invisible hand downtown signifies - we are at the writer's mercy.
This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by crashfrog, posted 10-02-2011 8:40 PM crashfrog has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 15 by crashfrog, posted 10-03-2011 12:17 AM IamJoseph has responded

    
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 15 of 24 (635916)
10-03-2011 12:17 AM
Reply to: Message 14 by IamJoseph
10-02-2011 9:54 PM


At the same time, leaving bits and bytes to the imagination is the most powerful

Well, yeah, which is why "show, don't tell" is such a powerful technique.

It's like a kind of "inception", you know, that movie? "Show, don't tell" is a way of... incepting?... the characterization you want into your audience's heads. You make them think your character has a certain quality, but better yet, you make them think they're the ones who figured it out.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 14 by IamJoseph, posted 10-02-2011 9:54 PM IamJoseph has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 16 by IamJoseph, posted 10-03-2011 1:13 AM crashfrog has not yet responded

  
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