Humour VII

Piano Tuna: fish 'n' musician

Years later, Johnny dies. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter looks him up in the Book of Life, "Johnny... Johnny... Johnny.... Ah.... There's a message for you," and he gives him the note.

Once upon a time there was a grad student who was given the opportunity to speak before a symposium of the nation's most prominent physicists. His assigned topic was, "What is an electron?"He composed his speech carefully, "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time. Electrons were once thought to be distributed evenly throughout the atom like currants in a plum pudding. Later, they were believed to orbit the nucleus like tiny planets. Later still, they were understood to occupy discrete regions of space called orbitals," and so on.He was nervous about the prospect so he rehearsed his speech thoroughly. As he looked in the mirror while shaving, he repeated, "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time...." As he ate breakfast, he repeated "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time," which annoyed his girlfriend. On the bus he repeated, "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time," which guaranteed him a seat by himself.Finally, the big day arrived. He stood up before his august audience and began, "An electron is a concept...." and his mind went completely blank. He couldn't remember another word.He was about to break out in a cold sweat when one distinguished old scientist in the audience began to applaud. One by one, the others joined him until finally they all rose in a standing ovation.An electron is a concept. Stop there and you avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

That's easy. Just disagree with foreveryoung and Rahvin.

Doctor: You're too fat.Patient: I want a second opinion.Doctor: You're ugly too.

Nice use of rhyming slang. I'd have given full points if he'd left off the rhyming part and just called it, "my Samantha."Also, nice references to Usain Bolt and (I presume) Linford Christie.

It should be, "Dat's racist!"

Nobody has a sense of humour when their own ox is gored, unless the ox is insured ^*.^*Disclaimer: some policies exclude acts of gored.

​

Edited by ringo, : Added disclaimer.

I like the subtitles. Dutch is just like misspelled and mispronounced English.

We have a cliche around here about "government jobs": six guys standing around a hole, all leaning on shovels.I saw the updated version out my window the other day. The backhoe was idle and its operator was talking on his cellphone. The one guy beside the hole (cutbacks, I guess) was talking on his cellphone. I don't know if they were talking to each other. I could't see anybody in the hole but if there was somebody, I can only presume that he was on his cellphone too.Then I got a call on my cellphone.

There is a joke in there somewhere - something about a fire hose in Hell....

It's indisputable proof that Karl Marx was an American - he has his hand on his gun.

A young Mexican boy went to the U.S. to visit relatives and then, contrary to stereotype, he promptly went home.When asked how he had enjoyed his trip, he replied, "Everybody was so friendly. We went to a baseball game and before they started playing, everybody in the whole stadium stood up and asked me, "Jose, can you see?"

Years ago, I read an anecdote in Readers Digest about a woman's trip to Switzerland. French and German were the dominant languages and English was also prevalent because of the tourists.She noticed a sign in those three languages. In English, it was a straightforward, "Please don't pick the flowers." In German, it was a more authoritarian, "It is VERBOTEN to pick the flowers!" In French, there was an added explanation, "People who enjoy the flowers leave them for others to enjoy too."(Anybody who lives in Canada, whether they speak French or not, can confirm that French signs are always twice as long as the English equivalent. I tell people it's because the second half of every French word is silent.)

I thought it was funny. I think most of the politically correct responses are dishonest.Humour is a natural reaction, not necessarily a "good" one. What separates us from the apes is our attempt to feel "right" instead of just feeling what we feel.Don't choke on your laughter. Laugh and then feel bad about it.