Humour VII

Two Slovenians walk into a bar. That’s what they get for wearing dark sunglasses indoors.-------------------------------------How do you get a Slovenian into a bathtub? Throw in a Euro.How do you get him back out? Throw in a bar of soap.-------------------------------------A despondent Slovenian tried to commit suicide. He threw himself out his basement window.-------------------------------------A Slovenian farmer lost his entire orchard in the war. Now with a clear field he decided to go into chicken farming and ordered up 200 chickens from the Slovenian National Agricultural Extension Service.In one day he was able to plow his field and plant half his chickens. At the end of the day he stood looking out over his field with pride as a hundred chicken heads clucked and twisted sticking out of the ground.The following morning the farmer was shocked to see that all his newly planted chickens were silent with their little necks slunk over dead.Thinking he had maybe planted them wrong side down he plowed over the field and planted his last 100 chickens heads-down. At the end of the day he stood looking out over his field with pride as 200 little chicken legs squirmed and twisted sticking out of the ground.The following morning the farmer was shocked to see that all his newly planted chickens were not moving with their little legs slunk over dead.He called the Extension Service explaining how he planted the first batch heads-up only to have them all die, then planted the second batch heads-down only to have them also die.After a long pause on the other end of the phone the Extension Agent finally said,You’d better send me a soil sample.----------------------------------And finally Did you hear about the Slovenian who got so mad he threw himself to the ground?He missed.

#10 sounds hilarious but has a very ligitimate reason.A blind person using an ATM is an easy volnerable target. So the American Foundation for the Blind made impassioned pleas to both Diebold, Inc (the major maker of ATMs in the US) and NYCE (New York Cash Exchange: Largest ATM network) to put braille keys on dirve-up units.They were advising their members to hire a cab or have a friend drive them to the ATM, sit in the back seat behind the driver and use the ATM through the car window.Just an FYI.As for #8: Now that hot dog packages are coming in 8s to go with the buns, Hebrew National is packaging their hot dogs in 7s.What can you do.

OK, I haven't been here in a bit but, good god folks, you could have warned me this was a Skinhead site.Put a swastika on the door or something.

The ghost of George Carlin:1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack? How do you refill it?4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
He knows where all of the bad girls live!I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I asked, "Implants?"Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.Q: What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
A: Snowballs!Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.Don't knock on Death's door.
Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that...Take my advice: I don't use it anyway.Short skirts make a man polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for all the folks in my head.A man had his VISA stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife!Eat right. Exercise daily. Die anyway.When everything's coming your way you're on the wrong side of the street.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?My wife thinks I'm too nosy. But she won't face me to tell me that. She writes it in her diary.

3. And scientists are lousy lovers. When they find the position they lose the motion. And when they find the motion they lose the position.

I'm sure to the creationists these are quite funny as well as pointed. So are a lot of the evolutionists entries in this thread.The more the married her, eh, well something.As I'm sure onifre would say, "Humor is humor even if it is pointed in a direction we don't especially like." I think.Anyway, do keep it up. It will at least keep our blood boiling.

What kind of Walmarts do you go to that you need defense from their products? And then why would you go there if the goods are that dangerous?The "Who Farted" t-shirts I can understand but I would think shooting them wouldn't do as much for you as using Lysol.

Humor?Disgust.

No misunderstanding and I appreciate it.I was being deliberately obtuse because I thought it was ... funny.your joke: where you meant they use their money to buy guns, buy walmart goods, buy balls, buy stickers and buy t-shirts,I deliberately misinterpreted to sayto defend themselves against minorities ...
to defend themselves against Walmart goods ...
to defend themselves against balls to hang on their trucks ...
.
.
.See? You need to defend yourself against Walmart goods! Hilarious! OK, you woulda needed to be there. Edited by AZPaul3, : cuzEdited by AZPaul3, : mor

I hope oni can use some of this stuff.

What's worse is it gets watered down yet again on the way out.

No. You have to bring your own cart.

Boo! Hiss! Boo!

I thought the controversy was contaminating their horse meat by putting beef in it, no?