Who's the Class Clown?

Dan, I apologize for trying to remind you of what we shared. Okay, call me a crazy bean-counter, call me a psycho, call me a "disturbed individual against whose constant unwelcome attentions the plaintiff seeks the protection afforded him by the 14th amendment as well as common human decency." But say it with your heart, Dan.I have to go, Dan. I have a bus to catch and you know how long it takes me to get the prostheses hooked up right when I've been drinking all day. If instead of the bus to Chillcothe I end up sprawled and groaning on the sidewalk off Lake Meadows Park, I hope the thought of your beloved John Cusack will soothe your conscience.

Mm... Better, but still not quite there. I mean... the prostheses was a step in the right direction, but the Cusak thing is still a reach. Repeating jokes beneath us both.It's possible that gay jokes just aren't your forte, Hambre. *flip* Tsk... looks like Bush is at it again...

Hey Dan,Since we all know what a pathetic hand you are at mimicry, you can drop the audition-judge routine before you make yourself seem even more mediocre and sad than you already do. Your frat-boy imagination is in no way worthy to judge anyone else's level of wit, okay, Mean Simon?As soon as you're done with your undeserved condescension, you can take your own advice and think real hard yourself. Maybe you'll be able to come up with something that smacks of effort and/or originality. Of course, my prediction is that you'll produce the slacker get-out-of-trying-free card like you always do, and then you'll pretend the shit is gold. Prove me wrong. Or something.[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]

Cool... I always wanted to be a judge/frat boy/slacker. I'll pass a death sentence on some guy, pound a twelver of MGD and date rape a girl, then smoke up and play X-Box until four am, when I'll finally pass out while watching Tron.I wonder if flannel judicial robes would go well with a white UNH hat... Hey, my gavel could even double as a bong!I just don't know how all this ties in with that business about me passing out in gutters covered in puke earlier. Consistency, Hambre. We have to maintain consistency.Or if you want, you can always go back to your little John Cusak jokes. I've got a brand new newspaper today, so I'm taken care of. Mm... nothing on TV tonight. Think I'll watch those 24 DVDs...[This message has been edited by Dan Carroll, 09-30-2003]

Wow, great effort, Dan. I'll wait for a real response, if your heart's in it. But I won't hold my breath.

Wow, two posts in a row of pouting. I guess I've gone and upset you. I have this terrible image of you, with your face pressed against the monitor, tears streaming down the screen. "Why? Why won't Dan give me the posts I want? I will rend my garment and curse the very heavens!"There there, Mr. Hambre. Buck up. Who's my little soldier?You want some ice cream? Yeah? Come on, we'll go get some ice cream. It's okay. Shhh. *picks li'l hambre up, pats him on the head, carries him off* Quiet, everyone. He's overdue for a nap, and he's gotten all fussy.

Hey, comic book guy here. Got that newspaper, gonna slack a little. Little tapped out on the humor these days. Can't keep it up all the time, folks. Reading, slacking. Slacking, reading. There’s two things you have to know about comedy, folks. Monkey shit and small print. Classic stuff. Ain’t I a wise guy?Grew up in Providence. Smoke a lot. Comic book guy. No verbs. Hmm. Red Sox starting pennant race against Oakland. Sports talk. Classic stuff, folks. Three things you gotta know about comedy. Baseball, midgets, and beer. Small print, knocks 'em dead. Real wise guy here.Don’t get a lot of Hambre jokes. Writes letters, girl named Sandy? Sarah? Let that one slide. Weird guy. I’m not gay, folks. Three things you gotta know about comedy. Gays, hobos, robots. Gotta earn that. I earned it. Beer guy. A little bored. Slacking, just slacking. Smokin’ guy.That Hambre. Too much effort, sentences, weird guy. Too much. Not funny. I’m funny. Not gay. I earned it. Still earning it. Hobos, cats, and hobos. Tapped out, not funny, but a real wise guy. Ain’t I a wise guy? Neurons sparking now. John Cusak, great actor. Not gay, folks. Huh? Cusack? Can’t read, folks. Keepin’ it real.

Oh crap, I broke him.*whacks side of Hambre's head*HAMBRE! COME BACK TO US, MAN! COME ON!Don't worry, folks. The same thing happened to my CD player last week... this is what I get for throwing out the warranty...

Incidentally, Hambre... all this "slacker" business...For a guy who (if I remember right) has gotta be pushing forty, how do you manage to stay so hip? I mean... it's like you're right on the cutting edge of 1992.

Don't miss these upcoming episodes, only on FOX!The standoff:Come on kid, you may just be a loser cartoonist but it's no reason to take hostages. Look. Plenty of guys like you. Right, never got laid and can't hold a job. Let the orphans go and we---hello? He hung up, Commissioner. What an asshole. I say fire away.The eulogy:Is this mike working? Can you hear me? Ahem. If Dan were here today, he'd want us to be crying and sniveling that he's gone. It's a good thing he can't hear us, 'cause he was basically a really selfish prick and he'd be pissed that we don't really miss him. I'm trying to remember something funny he might have said. Could you just bow your heads for a minute? Nah, I got nothin'.The afterlife:Hey, Dan the Man! Don't you recognize me? Adam Sandler! Let's talk forever!

Good gracious! Now you're even using numbers against me! Am I ever on the ropes! And sorry about the 'slacker' epithet, I had no idea you were so sensitive. Would you rather I call you a cunt bubble like all your other friends do?

quote:

---

Don't miss these upcoming episodes, only on FOX!

---

Uch. Fox. Let's see what else is on.Ooh, one of those old B Sci-fi movies! Excellent! Hahm-Brey, the Ass That Walked Like a Man.Eh. Pretty stock plot. The army wants to use the A-bomb on Hahm-Brey, but the scientist knows that's what started Hahm-Brey's crazed, non-linear obsessive ramblings in the first place.

quote:

---

Good gracious! Now you're even using numbers against me!

---

What can I say... you didn't seem to be understanding words. It was either go to numbers, or incoherent pre-verbal growling.

Which words of yours were those: Uch, Ooh or Eh? I'm pretty good in a couple of languages, but you're definitely more fluent in Dumbfuck than I am.Save the incoherent pre-verbal growling for your next trip to the rest area anyway. The guy dressed up like Sasquatch has got dibs on your dance card.So how many more limp two-sentence posts are you going to sneeze out today? I've seen mosquitoes with more staying power. If you make this much effort in the sack, it's no wonder the missus keeps her Jack the Ripper dildo in the nightstand next to your spare colostomy bag.But hey, run at your own pace. I don't expect you to keep up.

Never play an ace when a two will get the job done, Hambre. When I run into something more threatening than "dumbfuck" and "cunt bubble," I'll be sure to pay it the respect it's due.Until then... jeez, again with my sex life. I realize you need to fantasize, Hambre. But please... keep it to your private spank-sessions. This is the EVC Forum, not slashfiction.com.