Marriage – What is it and what’s the point?

I find the whole concept of marriage utterly bizarre.I’m not really talking about marriage as a religious institution. If you think there’s a man with a big stick looking over you and he needs to approve everything you do in your life, then within that rationale I guess it makes sense that he has to approve your relationship. Good luck with that.But what does marriage mean outside of a religious context?It still seems to be normal even for non-religious people to get married. There is still a huge social pressure on people to do so. Why? What does it actually mean to be married?The strangest thing of all is that marriage is often proposed as the ultimate attainment in life, and yet there’s normally no explanation given as to exactly what it is or why it’s so important. We’re just supposed to take it for granted that we have to aim to get married; like it’s of the utmost importance.Are you still single?Why have you never got married?It’s such a waste that you never got married!A waste???!!!???A waste for whom, exactly?Here’s how I look at it. If I am ever fortunate enough to meet someone with whom I wish to share my life, and they feel the same about me (may any god help them ), then it will be a no-brainer. We will share our lives together.But I cannot imagine that I would ever feel that I would need to get such a relationship approved and formally rubber-stamped by anyone else. And even if I did consider that I ought to seek approval for some peculiar reason, not only would I not consider consulting some nutter in a frock who believes in an invisible man in the sky, I would be even more unlikely to seek the approval of some bumptious government official! Why would anyone do that? It's the strangest thing. What the fuck has it got to do with them?And what’s the legal contract all about? If 2 people seek to sign a contract binding them together, is it not a sign that they don’t really trust each other? Doesn’t it defeat the whole idea that they are truly loving, faithful and committed?And then there's this whole Ooh, look at us! Look we’re getting married! Look how successful our lives are! Buy us presents! bullshit. No I don’t want to go to your fucking engagement party or your wedding reception or hang about in a church or some dreary municipal building all day in a ridiculous suit. That’s a waste of a perfectly good weekend. If you want to live together forever then just live together forever. Stop making such a bleeding fuss about it! It’s your business and nobody else’s.Don’t get me wrong; I am happy for you. But a firm handshake is all that’s required.

Thread copied here from the Marriage — What is it and what’s the point? thread in the Proposed New Topics forum.

Then it would be best that you not get married. It is people making a cooperative living arrangement for various purposes. You can think of it as something like a symbiosis, where the two mutually cooperate in order to more readily achieve what either would find difficult to achieve alone. I never found much social pressure toward marriage. Perhaps I am not very sensitive to social pressure. I guess I avoided that kind of party, probably because I found it boring. There are historical reasons. And then there is a need for society to have some say, since society usually has to pay to pick up the pieces when a marriage falls apart. You can always elope to avoid that part.

And what if she wants to get married?Edited by Catholic Scientist, : No reason given.

It appears that it is an archaic institution that is losing its relevance for all the reasons you outlined. It began as a union before God, then evolved in to a social contract likely for reasons of indemnity, and now seems almost unecessary to me.I'm married and even I don't see the need beyond a way to protect my wife.

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"Political correctness is tyranny with manners." -- Charlton Heston

I'd say the purpose to me is to make certain legal aspects of sharing your life with someone easier to manage.Other than that, I really don't have a clue.I also don't understand what the big deal about marriage is, and the aspect of "together forever" of it gets laughed at by me if someone ever dares to bring it up. Like people need to get married to be able to do that, or that everybody who is married stays together forever.

Don't forget there are legal aspects of marriage, such as inheritance, on behalf decision making, hospital visitation, mutual taxation, etc., that need some kind of legal contract to maintain and uphold.

I don't like the idea of promising that I will love and be with this one person for the rest of my life. How the hell am I supposed to be able to know that!? I can't predict the future.And then to go further with the religious ceremony and make that promise to god... yikes!

I completely agree with you. Although I don't believe in god, I understand your position.

I guess I'll cross that bridge when, if ever, I come to it. Most importantly, I'd ask her what she meant by marriage.One of the reasons why I've raised this topic is because my best friend is going through a divorce. It's quite a messy affair, as they often are. He and his wife are fighting over money, rights to access to the children, and paying large amounts of money to lawyers of course.They are both suffering from depression and a general feeling of failure. They both seem bewildered and dazed by the whole thing. Neither of them are religious and it seems to me that they never really thought about or understood why they "got married" or what it meant to "be married". It seems that they were pushed into it by society's expectations, signed a pre-fabricated legal agreement that neither of them had any hand in, and they are now being dictated to by people and a system that doesn't care for them at all. It's just not right!

I guess I'm not so sensitive either, which is why I'm questioning the attitude. But I am sensitive to the fact that so many people seem to sign up mindlessly to an agreement that they didn't devise. That sounds like a bit of a circular argument. My advice to society would be, if you don't like the consequences of an institution breaking down, don't devise such an institution in the first place.

I see a few different aspects for having marriage. (Insert huge IMHO here)The personal aspect comes from the degree of commitment you are expressing in going through the whole process. Your spouse can risk the emotional, financial, etc. resources into the relationship since you have made a huge public deal of being married. Now both of you know that someone will always be there to nurse you back to health or support you financially when you lose your job, etc.From my experience, your spouse also knows that you will be around after a big argument because divorce is such a huge pain. You can be honest because you both know you'll work it out somehow. You both can sacrifice your positions somewhat to find a solution to avoid divorce. Even if you want to leave in the heat of the moment, you don't since you still have get lawyers, divide resources & debts, and (the biggest one for me) deal with children.That brings up some of the society aspects. The big one is the commitment implied in marriage also implies stability for raising children. If you just live together, it is legally & socially easier for you to walk away when life gets tough or someone more interesting (however temporarily) comes along. A minor aspect is the relationships your spouse has & how they relate to you. If I'm a boyfriend, how seriously do my girlfriend's family & friends take me? Do they try to know me & get along with me if I may be gone next week?Getting to the legal aspects, marriage is a good indicator of intent. I may live with you for a couple years but I don't want you to have my grandfather's tools if I die. If I marry you, I am saying I want you to share everything that's mine. So hospitals, financial institutions, etc. know that your spouse can act as your spokesperson. (Aside - if you get married, make sure you tell your wife if some of your "junk" has sentimental value. I lost way too many mementos to spring cleaning.)

That marriage certificate gives her the legal rights to your balls, and that's all woman want. A neutered bobble-head that simply agrees with her. Enjoy!I'm with you, marriage is not for me. Marriage is for people without options.- Oni

I got married last year and I can honestly say I did not feel any social pressure to get married.I knew my then girl friend wanted to get married as we had talked about it several times over the years. I have to admit I was not too keen at first but only because it meant we would have to spend lots.We are both not religious or spiritual in any sense.Only speaking from my own experience I find being married no different from not being married. My wife and I adopted a double barrelled last name so I was quite excited about that as I have a double barrelled first name, too.Marriage for us is a declaration to the world that we are a team (we are 'Team Paws')- we even have a team shout.The whole "look at us, look how successful we are" never entered our heads. Many of our friends are in long term relationship with no intention of marriage and they are doing about as well, if not 'better' than us.The presents were nice but we stumped up for the grub and the booze on the big day.As for a waste of a weekend I've had the best (non-drug induced) piss ups at weddings as everyone is in really good spirits and has a great time.Getting married for religious reasons is bogus, in my opinion but if you want to make a culturally recognised statement and have a great piss up I recommend it.

There is no assurance in that. Just ask Newt Gingrich and John Edwards, both who dumped their wives when they got sick with cancers to nurture an affair. Perhaps that is a bad thing. I know people that have no business being married to one another but stay together for some ambiguous reason. Some have specific reasons like, "for the sake of the children," but often it is more detrimental to stay together just because you are married. But you can have a stable life together with children without tying the knot too. Marriage has nothing to do with that aspect. If two people are the parents of children, they'll still be the parents. The parents may feel an added pressure to stay together for the sake of the children, but again, that is not always a good thing and moreover, that can happen completely independent of marriage. These seem like silly reasons to get married. It is a cultural phenomenon that seems to be less relevant now more than ever. You can appoint whomever you want Power of Attorney to handle legal affairs.I am not against marriage. I'm married. I understand what you are saying, but there is a retort for each and every aspect that nullifies it. If you personally find great importance in the institution of marriage, and feel that there is a sanctity in it, by all means I encourage you.But as per the spirit of the thread, I see few actual benefits in it that you couldn't otherwise have through different avenues that essentialyl mean the same thing.Because there are bad things about marriage too. Like working your whole life, but your significant other cheats on you every day. He or she contributes nothing financially, yet they are entitled to alimony. There are drawbacks too.

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"Political correctness is tyranny with manners." -- Charlton Heston