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Author Topic:   The Return of Humor
contracycle
Inactive Member


Message 31 of 302 (128304)
07-28-2004 6:02 AM
Reply to: Message 20 by One_Charred_Wing
07-27-2004 8:02 PM


Re: Here we go...
quote:
Being half latino I'll start by bashing myself to be fair.
That doesn't let you off the hook, Uncle Tome. Pandering to racism is pandering to racism.
This message has been edited by contracycle, 07-28-2004 05:05 AM

This message is a reply to:
 Message 20 by One_Charred_Wing, posted 07-27-2004 8:02 PM One_Charred_Wing has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 32 by Joe T, posted 07-28-2004 11:26 AM contracycle has not replied
 Message 36 by macaroniandcheese, posted 07-28-2004 5:34 PM contracycle has not replied
 Message 38 by coffee_addict, posted 07-28-2004 6:02 PM contracycle has replied
 Message 43 by MrHambre, posted 07-28-2004 6:43 PM contracycle has replied

Joe T
Member (Idle past 2170 days)
Posts: 41
From: Virginia
Joined: 01-10-2002


Message 32 of 302 (128363)
07-28-2004 11:26 AM
Reply to: Message 31 by contracycle
07-28-2004 6:02 AM


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to screw it in and three to discuss the degradation experienced by the socket.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 31 by contracycle, posted 07-28-2004 6:02 AM contracycle has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 33 by One_Charred_Wing, posted 07-28-2004 4:23 PM Joe T has not replied
 Message 50 by nator, posted 07-29-2004 11:01 AM Joe T has not replied

One_Charred_Wing
Member (Idle past 6156 days)
Posts: 690
From: USA West Coast
Joined: 11-21-2003


Message 33 of 302 (128425)
07-28-2004 4:23 PM
Reply to: Message 32 by Joe T
07-28-2004 11:26 AM


High five!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 32 by Joe T, posted 07-28-2004 11:26 AM Joe T has not replied

jar
Member (Idle past 394 days)
Posts: 34026
From: Texas!!
Joined: 04-20-2004


Message 34 of 302 (128427)
07-28-2004 4:39 PM


Oh for a return to Burlesque, when no one was sacred and we all took our lumps. Where the judge on the bench, the millionaire in his club were as fair game as the policeman or the prostitute.
What the world needs now is more stereotypical humor.
A father watched his five year old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
He watched her picking through the flowers when suddenly she just stopped and stared intently at something on the ground. Curious, he went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
Unsure how to handle this delicate subject he decided a direct approach would be best.
Besides, she was too young to really understand and would probably forget about it anyway.
"Uh...They're mating," her father replied.
She quietly watched the spiders then asked, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?".
He looked, recognized the spider and answered "That's a Daddy Longlegs."
"So, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"Well no." her father replied. "It's a Daddy Longlegs too."
The little girl thought for a moment, stood up, took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said, "that might be OK in California and Massachusetts but we ain't having any of that sh%# here in Nevada!!
*************************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."
******************************
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Sheep herder?
Mick sings "Hey, You...Get off of my Cloud!"
The sheep herder sings "Hey McCloud! Get off of my Ewe!"
This message has been edited by jar, 07-28-2004 03:41 PM

Aslan is not a Tame Lion

jar
Member (Idle past 394 days)
Posts: 34026
From: Texas!!
Joined: 04-20-2004


Message 35 of 302 (128429)
07-28-2004 5:00 PM


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were ready taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Aslan is not a Tame Lion

macaroniandcheese 
Suspended Member (Idle past 3928 days)
Posts: 4258
Joined: 05-24-2004


Message 36 of 302 (128434)
07-28-2004 5:34 PM
Reply to: Message 31 by contracycle
07-28-2004 6:02 AM


Re: Here we go...
how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
we'll never know... they'll just sit in the dark and cry.
how many mosquitos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two
how many people does it take to get the stick out of contracyle's ass?
no, really.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 31 by contracycle, posted 07-28-2004 6:02 AM contracycle has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 39 by coffee_addict, posted 07-28-2004 6:06 PM macaroniandcheese has replied

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 37 of 302 (128440)
07-28-2004 5:59 PM
Reply to: Message 29 by contracycle
07-28-2004 6:01 AM


Re: Here we go...
contracycle writes:
And thus they are mainly funny to bigots who share those stereotypes.
Not necessarily. to bigots, stereotypes are supposed to be truths. So, by recognizing that they're stereotypes, you recognize that they're not true.

The Laminator
For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 29 by contracycle, posted 07-28-2004 6:01 AM contracycle has not replied

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 38 of 302 (128441)
07-28-2004 6:02 PM
Reply to: Message 31 by contracycle
07-28-2004 6:02 AM


Re: Here we go...
contracycle writes:
That doesn't let you off the hook, Uncle Tome. Pandering to racism is pandering to racism.
By recognizing that it's racism, you recognize that there's no such thing as a superior race over another or an inferior race under another.

The Laminator
For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 31 by contracycle, posted 07-28-2004 6:02 AM contracycle has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 46 by contracycle, posted 07-29-2004 6:49 AM coffee_addict has not replied

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 39 of 302 (128442)
07-28-2004 6:06 PM
Reply to: Message 36 by macaroniandcheese
07-28-2004 5:34 PM


Re: Here we go...
I posted this joke in this thread a while ago. Notice that it's the only non-admin topic in the announcement forum . You may now bow down to me, your better.
This was posted on arachnoboards.com a while back. Just thought something you guys would enjoy.
How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a ‘light bulb forum’
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

The Laminator
For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 36 by macaroniandcheese, posted 07-28-2004 5:34 PM macaroniandcheese has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 41 by macaroniandcheese, posted 07-28-2004 6:27 PM coffee_addict has not replied

One_Charred_Wing
Member (Idle past 6156 days)
Posts: 690
From: USA West Coast
Joined: 11-21-2003


Message 40 of 302 (128445)
07-28-2004 6:24 PM


Bonjour!
How many French does it take to defend paris?
I dunno, they never tried.
Why were there so many trees in Paris?
Cause the Germans like to march in the shade.
Why'd they chop the trees down in Paris?
They figured the Iraqis would rather march in the heat.
And now to offend another ethnic group just because Contracycle called me uncle:
How do you get a black guy to go away?
Throw a basketball.

macaroniandcheese 
Suspended Member (Idle past 3928 days)
Posts: 4258
Joined: 05-24-2004


Message 41 of 302 (128447)
07-28-2004 6:27 PM
Reply to: Message 39 by coffee_addict
07-28-2004 6:06 PM


Re: Here we go...
nice.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 39 by coffee_addict, posted 07-28-2004 6:06 PM coffee_addict has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 42 by SRO2, posted 07-28-2004 6:29 PM macaroniandcheese has not replied

SRO2 
Inactive Member


Message 42 of 302 (128448)
07-28-2004 6:29 PM
Reply to: Message 41 by macaroniandcheese
07-28-2004 6:27 PM


Re: Here we go...
It's the thought that counts.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 41 by macaroniandcheese, posted 07-28-2004 6:27 PM macaroniandcheese has not replied

MrHambre
Member (Idle past 1393 days)
Posts: 1495
From: Framingham, MA, USA
Joined: 06-23-2003


Message 43 of 302 (128451)
07-28-2004 6:43 PM
Reply to: Message 31 by contracycle
07-28-2004 6:02 AM


Pandering to Political Correctness
I'm so glad there are people like contracycle to protect us from the specter of bad humor. It says in the Constitution (somewhere in the back) that people have free speech unless they might say something that will offend someone. After all, being offended is the same as being physically attacked, except for the physical part. And the attack. Everyone knows that gays, women, and members of various ethnic minorities would gladly continue to suffer violence and discrimination as long as people would stop telling jokes about them.
So please, people, enough of this joke-violence. The words you say can hurt people. You think it's funny that there's not one black person in the US Senate? That won't change if you keep telling racist jokes, you genocidal maniacs.
regards,
Esteban "Snow White" Hambre

This message is a reply to:
 Message 31 by contracycle, posted 07-28-2004 6:02 AM contracycle has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 44 by SRO2, posted 07-28-2004 7:50 PM MrHambre has not replied
 Message 45 by contracycle, posted 07-29-2004 6:48 AM MrHambre has replied

SRO2 
Inactive Member


Message 44 of 302 (128466)
07-28-2004 7:50 PM
Reply to: Message 43 by MrHambre
07-28-2004 6:43 PM


Re: Pandering to Political Correctness
I think the REAL problem is with people that take it seriously. A joke is just a joke, what makes it racist or offensive is that fact that someone points it out...that would be the guilty party.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 43 by MrHambre, posted 07-28-2004 6:43 PM MrHambre has not replied

contracycle
Inactive Member


Message 45 of 302 (128560)
07-29-2004 6:48 AM
Reply to: Message 43 by MrHambre
07-28-2004 6:43 PM


Re: Pandering to Political Correctness
quote:
I'm so glad there are people like contracycle to protect us from the specter of bad humor. It says in the Constitution (somewhere in the back) that people have free speech unless they might say something that will offend someone. After all, being offended is the same as being physically attacked, except for the physical part. And the attack. Everyone knows that gays, women, and members of various ethnic minorities would gladly continue to suffer violence and discrimination as long as people would stop telling jokes about them.
Systematically dehgumanising poeple is a necessar prerequisite to the exercise of violence of against them. Seeing as we have only a few decades ago come through a global war which exhibioted large scale racist dehumanisation, there is a valid view that such systematic denigration is exactly a precursor to actual violence. The same applies to sexist discrimination.
But you are free to live in the swamp, Mr. Hambre. I will envertheless be requesting the moderators stop this board being used as a vehicle for hate speech.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 43 by MrHambre, posted 07-28-2004 6:43 PM MrHambre has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 48 by MrHambre, posted 07-29-2004 8:53 AM contracycle has replied
 Message 51 by coffee_addict, posted 07-29-2004 12:34 PM contracycle has not replied
 Message 54 by mark24, posted 07-29-2004 3:06 PM contracycle has not replied
 Message 68 by Loudmouth, posted 07-30-2004 1:58 PM contracycle has not replied

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