The Return of Humor

That reminds me of two I heard awhile back((WARNING,EXPLICIT):What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?Your dick.And I don't know why, but it also reminded me of:What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?One stops fucking you when you're dead. What the hell?! You're vacumming and it's time for lunch!

Recently, a long lost manuscript containing the opening chapters of Genesis was discovered that has shed an entirely new light on the creation event. According to this new-found manuscript, it was Eve that was created first and man was made subsequently from her flesh. The relevant passages:"When God formed Eve from the earth, He fashioned her with three breasts.""Eve, not happy with the asthetics of this arrangement, petitioned God to remove the middle one, and God agreed and granted her request.""Then saith God, 'Now, what am I supposed to make out of this useless boob . .?'"

A long one, but I really need to kill some time...A young, workaholic employee earns a nice vacation for a week. The ticket only accomodates for himself, and so he is reluctant to go and leave his wife behind; she was always telling him how sexy his best friend is.So, he heads to the Adult Toy store to get something to keep her occupied while he's not there. He walks up to the front counter and askes: "You got any dildos?"The sleazy-looking attendant answers: "sure, we got lotsa dildos! We've got Monster Dick, The Big One, Morning Glory, Snapper,The Unabomber... but just for you, I'm offering this!"A small rectangular case made of wood is produced on the table. The skeptic customer salvages from the box what looks like an ordinary fake penis. "What's this?""THIS is Voodoo Dick! Ya tell it ta Voodoo Dick somethin', and it'll Voodoo Dickit!"The customer has to keep from laughing. "okay, fine. Voodoo Dick the counte-"before he even finishes, the artificial moneymaker smashes a hole through the old counter, thrusting with such power that the room begins to shake. The attendant, after chuckling, commands:
"Voodoo Dick Stop!"And it lands back in the case, harmless. The patron was astonished."How much for this?!""70 bucks.""Deal." And so it was.On the day before his vacation, the man hands his wife the box."What is it," she asks while opening it carefully."I got you a Voodoo Dick.""You got me a WHAT?!" The woman dropped the box in surprise and disgust."Honey, watch. Voodoo Dick the table!" The Voodoo Dick launched off the floor and created the same erotic spectacle as it did in the store. After the command to stop, it landed back on the floor.The amazed wife seemed to be more grateful of this exotic present.
"Wow... have fun on your vacation, dear."So a few days later the wife is driving down the road, holding the thing in one hand and eyeing it. "I wonder if this thing will work away from the house?" She thought, and then grinned."Voodoo Dick ME!"Sure enough, it starts railing her against her seat, and the intense pleasure clouds her vision and as such impares her driving. That's when she realizes that she forgot how to make it stop.So, fortunatley, she was low on gas and stopped by the side of the road after about 10 miles(and twice as many orgasms). Still getting prodded, she shakily rolls down the window for the policeman that had been tailing her for the last few minutes. He did NOT look happy."Ma'am, you realize you've ran 6 red lights, hit 3 pedestrians and have been speeding out of control and practicing recklass driving?" He looks down at her violently gyrating hips, noticing that her pants have been torn at the crotch. "Oh, and let's not forget indecent exposure now that you decided to stop."With that the artificial troublemaker popped out of her vagina and into her hand."Officer, you don't understand! It's not my fault! It's this Voodoo Dick!"The officer lost it. "WHAT?! Lady, three people are dead today because of your rediculour driving; there will be NO EXCUSES for this!""No, officer! Please listen!It was the Voodoo Dick!"The officer scoffed. "Voodoo Dick my ass!"

How did chinese learn to speak?
They dropped a spoon and heard, ching, kong, ting, kingHow do you know if you have been robbed by a mexican?
Your dog is pregnant and your bike is gone.Why is life like a bag of jelly-beans?
Everyone hates the black ones.How come black people are so fast?
Cause all the slow ones are in jail.why do black people have to where white gloves when they are eating tootsie rolls?
So they wont mistake them for their fingers and bite them off.Here's one for Lam,
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.Why didn't the redneck catch any fish?
Because his gun jammed.
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Here's a long one:Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes"._______________________________________
Here is another long one:A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?""Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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takes a special sort of stupidity and callousness, a superhuman ignorance, to accuse those of us who tell bad jokes of being in league with those who shove innocent people in cattle cars and ship them off to their extermination by the millions. You seem to possess just that exact measure of stupidity.

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What you are referring to is "realism".

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However, I can't imagine how stunted and bigoted someone has to be if he can't bear to hear views expressed that aren't absolutely identical to his own.

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You mean for example, your reaction to being called on racist jokes?I'm perfectly happy with the fact people disagree with me. I am not happy with the propagation of hate-speech.

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In assuming that the only aim in telling racist or sexist jokes is to dehumanize (and later exterminate) the targets of these jokes, you are making an oversimplification so sweeping it boggles the mind.

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Wrong; I am describing the actual procedural impact rather than the subjective rationalisation to which you resort.

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There are those who aren't equipped to deal with the complexity of human society, and the moral intricacies of freedom of expression.

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Indeed. Scum who tell racist and sexist "jokes", for example, and then patheticvally plead "its just a joke" are claearly failing to deal with the complexity of human society and the moral intricacies of freedom of expression.

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In short, I guess you only support diversity as long as everyone thinks the same as you. How typical

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Typical of what or whom? Yet another meaningless and contentless bash.{Fixed 1 quote box- AM}This message has been edited by Adminnemooseus, 07-30-2004 11:18 AM

The moderators have been contacted but have yet to respond. What is the delay?

contracycle,You're obviously a cookie-cutter version of a petulant busybody. But I had no idea you were so intellectually unequipped to deal with the notion of humor, ambiguity, and freedom of speech.I love how you simply assert that the conflation of stupid-joke-telling with genocide is "realism," and offer nothing other than that bold statement as support. You claim that I resented being called on telling racist jokes, even though I never told any racist jokes. Quite aside from painting us all as genocidal maniacs, you refer to those of us who disagree with you as "scumbags" and "fuckwits," though we don't have the right to use 'hate speech' against others. Then you dismiss my claim that you only respect the free speech of those you agree with as being beside the point, even though it in fact is exactly the point.You're not the first person to become enamored of fashionable nonsense perpetrated by censorship-crazed idealogues. You'll get over it and feel embarrassed someday. Part of growing up.regards,
Esteban Hambre

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Seeing as we have only a few decades ago come through a global war which exhibioted large scale racist dehumanisation, there is a valid view that such systematic denigration is exactly a precursor to actual violence.

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Does this mean that Jeff Foxworthy is going to try and take over Arkansas?

Continuing the theme . . .Q: Why do black men have nightmares?A: Because somebody shot the last black man that "Had a Dream".This message has been edited by Loudmouth, 07-30-2004 01:00 PM

Oh, just thought up a great creationist joke . . .Q: How many creationists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Three, one to hold the lightbulb and three to pump enough water under the earth to make the continent spin around.

Hahahaha. That's pretty funny.Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. Evolutionists just wait to let the leight bulb change itself, and even then it takes millions of years.

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The Laminator
For goodness's sake, please vote Democrat this November!

Caution: Sexually explict joke to follow.
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Just before two young people were to get married, the bride and groom could not be found. Much to everyone’s relief, the groom shows up just in time to walk out with the best man. His best man notices a huge grin on the groom’s face and says, You seem really happy.The groom says, Yes I am. I just got a fantastic blow job and I got it from the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.The bride also shows up just in time to glide gracefully down the aisle with her father. Once she reaches the alter, her maid of honor noticing the bride’s radiant smile says, You seem so happy. The bride replies, Yes I am. I just gave the last blow job of my life.

Another couple, sort of the old-fashioned kind, had gotten married that same afternoon and were finally at the Honeymoon Suite. The bride was in bed in her frilly negligee, and the hubby came in, sat down on a chair, and took off his shoes and socks. The girl took a look and said, "Oh, you poor baby! What's the matter with your toes?"He: "I thought you'd seen my feet before! I had tolio when I was a little boy, and that's why they look twisted like that."
She: "Tolio? Don't you mean polio?"
He: "no, but that does kind of sound similar. No, tolio is a kind of rare disease that only affects your toes."He proceeded to take of his trousers, and she exclaimed: "Darling! What's the matter with your knees?!"
He: "Oh, yeah, that's why I don't wear shorts. I thought I had told you - I had kneezles when I was a kid."
She: "Kneezles? Don't you mean measles?"
He: "No....but that one sounds kind of similar, too. Huh! No, kneezles is another kind of rare disease - all it does is make your knees look like cauliflowers - like mine. I'm sorry they startled you."
Then he dropped his boxers, with a gleam in his eye, and the poor girl wailed,"Oh my Gawd, don't tell me that you had smallcox, too!!!!"

It was Bernard RightOn (based on Berbard
Manning obviously).Something I didn't realise until very recently
when I saw a profile of him was that Bernard was
performed by John Thompson from Cold Feet.The non-Brits are going "huh ?"...

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You're obviously a cookie-cutter version of a petulant busybody.

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And you are the cookie-cutter version of scum.

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You're not the first person to become enamored of fashionable nonsense perpetrated by censorship-crazed idealogues.

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Ideological conservative apologetics for racism and sexism, predictable enough.