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Author Topic:   The Return of Humor
ohnhai
Member (Idle past 5162 days)
Posts: 649
From: Melbourne, Australia
Joined: 11-17-2004


Message 211 of 302 (183728)
02-07-2005 2:33 PM


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of the constant bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They spreadsheeted.
They reported.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They created labels and cards.
They did every known job.
And More.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
---------------------------
found here

Replies to this message:
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Coragyps
Member (Idle past 734 days)
Posts: 5553
From: Snyder, Texas, USA
Joined: 11-12-2002


Message 212 of 302 (183752)
02-07-2005 3:39 PM


The Cuddly Menace is rather nice.....
Rachat de voiture HS Vendre voiture accidente

Replies to this message:
 Message 215 by Quetzal, posted 02-07-2005 9:31 PM Coragyps has not replied

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 213 of 302 (183787)
02-07-2005 5:30 PM
Reply to: Message 205 by Silent H
02-05-2005 2:20 PM


Re: Ann Coulter
You'd think that she'd check out her facts first before making such statements on tv.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 205 by Silent H, posted 02-05-2005 2:20 PM Silent H has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 214 by jar, posted 02-07-2005 6:10 PM coffee_addict has not replied

jar
Member (Idle past 394 days)
Posts: 34026
From: Texas!!
Joined: 04-20-2004


Message 214 of 302 (183796)
02-07-2005 6:10 PM
Reply to: Message 213 by coffee_addict
02-07-2005 5:30 PM


Re: Ann Coulter
It's entertainment, not news.

Aslan is not a Tame Lion

This message is a reply to:
 Message 213 by coffee_addict, posted 02-07-2005 5:30 PM coffee_addict has not replied

Quetzal
Member (Idle past 5872 days)
Posts: 3228
Joined: 01-09-2002


Message 215 of 302 (183827)
02-07-2005 9:31 PM
Reply to: Message 212 by Coragyps
02-07-2005 3:39 PM


All I can say is that crystalized alpaca urine must have a serious negative effect on cognition when inhaled...

This message is a reply to:
 Message 212 by Coragyps, posted 02-07-2005 3:39 PM Coragyps has not replied

berberry
Inactive Member


Message 216 of 302 (184032)
02-08-2005 11:52 PM


Move over Spongebob; Fred Flintstone's the new gay icon
From the crazy folks at MSNBC.

Keep America Safe AND Free!

Replies to this message:
 Message 217 by coffee_addict, posted 02-09-2005 1:34 AM berberry has not replied

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 217 of 302 (184041)
02-09-2005 1:34 AM
Reply to: Message 216 by berberry
02-08-2005 11:52 PM


One skin, two skin, three skin, four....
Site Disabled - FreeServers
quote:
Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four.... "
George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, let's try it round the other way around. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit
Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,
Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"
George: "Yesterday we played with our balls.
Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?"
Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera): Have you seen Bungles twanger?
Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle
Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"
Zippy: "Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle (excited): "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all paint our twangers couldn't we?"
George: "Let's sing that plucking song."
Bungle: "Rod and Roger can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
Singers Rod, Roger and Jane enter.
Rod: "We could hear you all banging away."
Roger: "Banging can be fun."
Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Roger."
Roger (looking sad): "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey: "Never mind Roger, let sing the plucking song, come on
everybody get your instruments out."
Rod (to Jane): "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: "Oh no Rod, I was blowing a lot with Roger last night. But would you
like to play with my maracas?"
Zippy: "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
Bungle: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size your twanger is."
Zippy: "I've got a big red one."
George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey (to viewers): "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember,
you can bounce your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any balls,
ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all sing the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck away, we're going to pluck all day today."
"Pluck, pluck, pluck away, we're going to pluck all day."
Geoffrey (to viewers): " It's time for us all to go now, but don't forget to
get your twangers out and play with your balls." "See you soon. Bye."


This message is a reply to:
 Message 216 by berberry, posted 02-08-2005 11:52 PM berberry has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 226 by Scaryfish, posted 02-27-2005 2:36 AM coffee_addict has not replied

berberry
Inactive Member


Message 218 of 302 (184340)
02-10-2005 3:33 AM


ghetto mama

Keep America Safe AND Free!

Dan Carroll
Inactive Member


Message 219 of 302 (184618)
02-11-2005 3:33 PM


I love this site:
Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Division - dihydrogen monoxide info

"Egos drone and pose alone, Like black balloons, all banged and blown
On a backwards river, infidels shiver In the stench of belief
And tell my mama I'm a hundred years late
I'm over the rails and out of the race
The crippled psalms of an age that won't thaw ringing in my ears"
-Beck

Replies to this message:
 Message 220 by Parasomnium, posted 02-11-2005 5:53 PM Dan Carroll has not replied

Parasomnium
Member
Posts: 2224
Joined: 07-15-2003


Message 220 of 302 (184638)
02-11-2005 5:53 PM
Reply to: Message 219 by Dan Carroll
02-11-2005 3:33 PM


DHMO
That's very disturbing news, Dan, about that DHMO stuff. I had no idea. Do you think it is as dangerous in diluted form?

This message is a reply to:
 Message 219 by Dan Carroll, posted 02-11-2005 3:33 PM Dan Carroll has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 221 by New Cat's Eye, posted 02-11-2005 7:29 PM Parasomnium has not replied

New Cat's Eye
Inactive Member


Message 221 of 302 (184650)
02-11-2005 7:29 PM
Reply to: Message 220 by Parasomnium
02-11-2005 5:53 PM


Jesus Joke
Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's?
...because they fall throught the holes in his hands.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 220 by Parasomnium, posted 02-11-2005 5:53 PM Parasomnium has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 222 by Brad McFall, posted 02-11-2005 7:32 PM New Cat's Eye has not replied

Brad McFall
Member (Idle past 5033 days)
Posts: 3428
From: Ithaca,NY, USA
Joined: 12-20-2001


Message 222 of 302 (184651)
02-11-2005 7:32 PM
Reply to: Message 221 by New Cat's Eye
02-11-2005 7:29 PM


Re: Jesus Joke
I guess I lied. I could see the difference of MnM and twopac.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 221 by New Cat's Eye, posted 02-11-2005 7:29 PM New Cat's Eye has not replied

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 223 of 302 (188398)
02-25-2005 6:05 AM


I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.
She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."
"$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced.
Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago. I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax!
When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?"
She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?"
She gave me my change and called the manager.
So the manager comes over.
I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent.
I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.
She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5).
She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."
I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.

coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 224 of 302 (188399)
02-25-2005 6:06 AM


How many Bush administrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
1. One to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are "either for changing the light bulb or living in darkness."
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book detailing how the Bush Administration is literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear number 7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies that George Bush has had a strong light-bulb changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

Minnemooseus
Member
Posts: 3941
From: Duluth, Minnesota, U.S. (West end of Lake Superior)
Joined: 11-11-2001
Member Rating: 10.0


Message 225 of 302 (188832)
02-27-2005 12:58 AM


In the mail, from a friend
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
Moose

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