The Return of Humor

1. One to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are "either for changing the light bulb or living in darkness."
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book detailing how the Bush Administration is literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear number 7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies that George Bush has had a strong light-bulb changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

Um... what's a tsetse fly?

12 or 13?

WASHINGTON, DCAlmost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush unveiled the coalition forces' strategy for exiting Iraq.
Bush announces the pullout of Iraq through Iran.
Above: Bush announces the pullout of Iraq through Iran."I'm pleased to announce that the Department of Defense and I have formulated a plan for a speedy withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq," Bush announced Monday morning. "We'll just go through Iran."Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran's longtime enemy Saddam Hussein, should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state."And Iran's so nearby," Bush said. "It's only a hop, skip, and a jump to the east."According to White House officials, coalition air units will leave forward air bases in Iraq and transport munitions to undisclosed locations in Iran. After 72 to 96 hours of aerial-bomb retreats, armored-cavalry units will retreat across the Zagros mountains in tanks, armored personnel carriers, and strike helicopters. The balance of the 120,000 troops will exit into the oil-rich borderlands around the Shatt-al-Arab region within 30 days.Pentagon sources said U.S. Central Command has been formulating the exit plan under guidelines set by Bush.
Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran'"The fact is, we've accomplished our goals in Iraq," said General George Casey, the commander of coalition forces in the Iraqi theater. "Now, it's time to bring our men and women homevia Iran."Questions have been raised about the unprecedented size of the withdrawal budget."I'm asking Congress to approve a $187-billion budget to enable us to exit as smoothly as possible," said Casey, whose budget request includes several hundred additional M1A1 Abrams battle tanks, 72 new C-130 cargo planes, and two brigades of artillery. "We're concerned about the safety of our troops, so we need to have the capacity to deal with insurgent forces all the way from the Iraqi border through to Tehran."Casey has requested a budget increase for the Pentagon, so that the government can reward recruits who serve in the U.S. mission to exit Iraq.
Some of the Iranian citizens U.S. troops will meet as they pass through Iran.
Above: Some of the Iranian citizens U.S. troops will meet as they pass through Iran."The plan also includes a minor stopover for refueling and provisional replenishment in Syria," Casey said. "But I don't expect we'll need more than 50,000 additional troops for that stretch of the Iraq pullout."Bush's plan has met with widespread support."The people who said Iraq was a quagmire and that the president would never get our troops out are now eating crow," said Sean Hannity on his popular radio show Tuesday. "Of course, I don't expect anyone will have the honor to come forward and actually admit that they were wrong to question our commander-in-chief."Sioux Falls, SD's Dianne Haverbuck, who has two sons in the military, said she was pleased to hear of the impending exit."Don and Kenneth have already been in Iraq an extra four months, so it's so good to hear that they'll finally be leaving that dangerous place," Haverbuck said. "I can't tell you how happy I was when the president saidwhat was it? I wrote it down. 'Getting our troops out of the Middle East and back home to their families is a viable long-term goal.'""I can't wait to see the boys," Haverbuck added.Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei welcomed the exit plan."Let the Allied armies come to Iran," Khamenei said. "I believe I can assure you that, if they do withdraw here, their brothers-in-arms in the Islamic Republican Army, the Revolutionary Guards Corps, the Quds special forces units, and the Basij Popular Mobilization Army will no doubt do everything they can to make the troops' trip back home memorable." {Rescaled headline image to "100%", to restore page width to normal. - Adminnemooseus}This message has been edited by Adminnemooseus, 04-03-2005 02:34 AMThis message has been edited by AdminPhat, 04-08-2005 12:02 PM

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won,
they would have to leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent
them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke
no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full
minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe
looked back and raised one finger.Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the
ground where he sat.The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe
pulled out an apple.With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe
was too clever and that the Jews could stay.Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said,
"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding
up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our
beliefs."Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He
pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could
not continue."Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What
happened?" they asked."Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of
Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.'"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to
him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.' ""And then what?" asked a woman."Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

MonkeyI love commercials like this.Here are a few more funny ones.Kill Bill DVDSuck It InHow to Fold a ShirtSteve Ballmer Sells Windows 1.0

Someone just linked me to this. New SAT questions.