This little ol texan man saves his money up till he can afford these fancy new cowboy boots. When he finally buys them he is so excited to show them off to his wife. He puts them on and walks out to the living room and says "See anything different?" Wife looks up at him and says "Nope". Perplexed he goes back in the bedroom and take all his clothes off except the new boots. Returning in the living room he states:" See anything new?" she says "Nope" Aggrevated he says.."look at my johnson, it is pointing down to something!!" To which she responds, "Should of bought a hat." Little Texan humor.
Jesus, Moses and a little old man go golfing one day. They are on the 8th hole which is a tough little par 3. This particular hole has a water hazard between the tees and the green.
Jesus tees up hits a horrible shot right for the water. Instead of sinking though, the ball kind of "walks" across the water and stops a couple of feet in front of the hole.
Next to tee his ball up is Moses. He pulls out an iron and hit his ball but it too heads straight for the water. This time, the water parts and the ball bounces across the pond bed and lands a couple of feet from the hole.
It is time for the Little Old Man to tee it up.
After much consideration, he pulls out a 5 wood and hits it with all his might. The ball heads straight for the water but lands on the back of a duck that was swimming in the pond. The duck takes off into the air but a gust of wind knocks the ball off his back where it bounces off a tree limb. The ball then hits the pin, bounces off into the sand trap, hitting the rake just at the right angle so the ball then bounces back onto the green with enough backspin to put the ball in the hole!
Jesus looks at the Little Old Man and says, "Good Shot Dad!"
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to been riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Anti-Semitism in Europe, terrorism in Israel, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!".
A penguin is driving his car while eating a vanilla ice cream cone. Vanilla ice cream is dripping from the corners of his mouth to his chin. Suddenly he hears a terrible knocking noise. He turns his car around and gets it to a mechanic shop. There he describes the problem to the mechanic. The mechanic crawls under the car and after a few minutes emerges, looks at the penguin and says, â€œLooks like you blew a sealâ€. The penguin replies, â€œNo I was just eating ice creamâ€.
I, for one, would love the idea of an "Absolute Fucking Lunatics" conspiracy-theorist/apocalypse-worshipper/beyond-pseudo-science section at EvC.
"We had survived to turn on the History Channel And ask our esteemed panel, Why are we alive? And here's how they replied: You're what happens when two substances collide And by all accounts you really should have died." -Andrew Bird