Soap was one of my favorite shows in the late '70s, and I still think it was one of the most clever sitcoms ever conceived. It was abruptly cancelled after four seasons due to complaints from people who were offended by scenes like this one, wherein four of the main female characters discuss sex as they devour an apple cake. It might seem tame in terms of content, but the humor hasn't lost one bit of its currency. This is absolutely hilarious!
It shook me like a thunderbolt; it shocked me to the very core. I felt my mind and frame revolt, and fell, half-fainting, to the floor; and there, in prayer and sorrow bent I whispered one word only --- "Kent!"
He told me of a talking snake, of magic fruit on magic trees, how half of science is a fake, and other certain facts like these. Words cannot speak of my surprise to learn that such a man tells lies.
He told me how, disdaining blood before the Fall, the carnivores cropped grass, and of a magic flood, how Noah saved the dinosaurs; he proved, with math, the Earth was youthful; who'd guess he'd ever be untruthful?
Explain this riddle if you will: he spoke of dragons breathing fire and how they live among us still --- is that the action of a liar? --- the kind of person who'd regale the taxman with a fairy tale?
Sin, Hovind said, made God quite vexed in Eden, where the magic trees are, But Genesis was all his text, neglecting "Render unto Caesar". Seems all the Bible Hovind knew was chapter one and chapter two.
That faithful servant of the Lord, that meek, that humble, honest guy, the last man you'd suspect of fraud, was one, I thought, who couldn't lie. But written on the wall, I guess, is "Tekel, Upharsin --- IRS".
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain.
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Both are at the top of their class at cow school.
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and find you actually have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you actually have.
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send tapes of their moo-ing.
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Which of these items are the only two allowed past a TSA security checkpoint at an airport?Those who would sacrifice an essential liberty for a temporary security will lose both, and deserve neither. -- Benjamin Franklin