Jesus, Moses and a little old man go golfing one day. They are on the 8th hole which is a tough little par 3. This particular hole has a water hazard between the tees and the green.
Jesus tees up hits a horrible shot right for the water. Instead of sinking though, the ball kind of "walks" across the water and stops a couple of feet in front of the hole.
Next to tee his ball up is Moses. He pulls out an iron and hit his ball but it too heads straight for the water. This time, the water parts and the ball bounces across the pond bed and lands a couple of feet from the hole.
It is time for the Little Old Man to tee it up.
After much consideration, he pulls out a 5 wood and hits it with all his might. The ball heads straight for the water but lands on the back of a duck that was swimming in the pond. The duck takes off into the air but a gust of wind knocks the ball off his back where it bounces off a tree limb. The ball then hits the pin, bounces off into the sand trap, hitting the rake just at the right angle so the ball then bounces back onto the green with enough backspin to put the ball in the hole!
Jesus looks at the Little Old Man and says, "Good Shot Dad!"
An eccentric billionaire who lived on the seacoast of California had his own huge aquarium rivaling the size of Sea World. This big aquarium was built in the middle of his even bigger game preserve which contained nothing but large African predatory land animals. This guy firmly believed that if one fed nothing but the aquatic birds which he captured on his beach to his aquatic mammals, the aquatic mammals would live forever. During one feeding he was carrying a bucket of aquatic birds while he was climbing the stairs to one of his huge tanks which held some of his aquatic mammals, he encountered a large African predator lying sound asleep on one of the stairs right in the middle of the stairway....he very silently and carefully stepped over the animal, and continued on his way to the top of the tank. When he got to the top of the tank he dumped the aquatic birds into the water, and that's when three FBI agents rushed up the stairs and arrested him! Do you know what the charge was???? (Answer below) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He was arrested for violation of the Mann Act: Taking gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoisesAslan is not a Tame Lion
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver "I'll buy you another drink; I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life. Then you show up and drink the damn poison."
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain.
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Both are at the top of their class at cow school.
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and find you actually have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you actually have.
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send tapes of their moo-ing.
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
A historical note hopefully before the thread gets closed.
Way back during the late sixties or very early seventies, a bunch of us did a public interest survey.
One question asked if the respondent thought we should get out of Vietnam.
A later question stated that the French were fighting the Communists in French Indochina and had asked us for military support and assistance. It went on to ask if we should support our French allies against the Communists.
A large percentage of the respondents said we should get out of Vietnam and support our French Allies.