its difficult to explain some things. this will be a long post most likely. ok..well..here goes..
when i was a teen, i lived in a fairly rural area next to a small state park. behind the house i lived in was a large hill in a fenced field, and a small grove of trees at its top had a small unkempt family graveyard. i would go their at times to think and reflect. i had been to churches and such, had been in school studying science's and other religions, and was full of doubt. i looked to the sky, looked at the graves, looked around, and realized that something could not come from nothing. that something was first. that the something either didn't care about this world, or no one was listening, or..or i didn't know. but i called anyways saying : i know something is there. but i don't know the truth. how can i know which religion is true? how can i know it comes from you, and not man?
a lot happened along the way of my searching. but i had never found conclusion until recently. i was a searcher. and the truth found me.
here are some of the events, which can be dismissed as chance, but always left me to wonder:
when i was a teen, and working at a kfc, i had been lonely, and said : Lord, if you are there; (who is the God i wasn't sure of which religion, but was leaning towards Christianity, but still had doubts and conflicts and searching for truth) i am lonely, could you send to me a companion, even if it be a dog?
at the kfc that night when i went to work, someone was giving away a full blooded collie pup with a malformed foot. i accepted it. and the Dog later on, would be the "best man" at my wedding, by accompanying my wife from the front steps of the house to the place between to large evergreen ceders of where i stood. the dog was definitely a good companion. oddly, i named him Ozzy Osbourn. (he's been dead for years now of course.)
another instance, i had went to find my biological father, who was in Florida. i was still a wild teen , had been through some bouts with drugs and alcohol, and was just going where the wind takes me. my biological father was a christian. but i still wasn't convinced. i had many doubts. many unanswered questions that had to be resolved.
while i was there, i had walked into his living room. a lone TV was playing the newest metallica video for that time, which was "until it sleeps" i had enjoyed and loved a lot of metallica's works until that CD. as i watched the video and the snake man thing curled and then flashed between the snake and a crucifiction scene i wondered aloud: huh. i wonder what God thinks of that. the screen of the TV mmediately went black after i had finished speaking. there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and it was a beautiful Florida day. so i went out to the back dock to check a crab trap. later that evening my dad had said that the TV repair shop reported that the TV had been struck by lightning. i could only wonder at the significance. but I'm a stubborn type. not because i want to be, but because i refuse to accept what i cannot understand as truth, to be the truth.
later on in years i met my wife only a few months after asking in the same manner as i did as a child for a true companion, since i pretty much just had whatever woman i was attracted to that i could get into bed, and it was always a game. a understood lust acceptance and nothing more. my wife cared about me. not just my body, but me. and what i thought was going to be no different than all the other girls i had been with, was different. and i fell in love. and its been good. its been real, complicated at times, fun many times, pain sometimes. but thats relationships. if your honest with each other, it can sometimes be unpleasant, but also pleasant , because your real with each other. shes a good match for me.
my conversion is very difficult to explain. a few years ago i had been contemplating and wrote what i call "the law of existence". i had shown it around some, but no real reviews. mostly i dunno's or just being skim read and dismissed. i sent out e-mails to some scientists with it, sent it to the science papers, and even a publisher. no replies back. so i just let it sit and went on about my way. when i was asked by a nephew if i thought the world was going to end in 2012, i knew it was a reference to the Aztec calender, but i wasn't sure why it would be on his mind or others to bring it to his attention. the fact that pyramids and the old cultures had the connection of this date was curios to me, and not one to be dismissed in my mind that there was a common relation. so i went to search for the source. exploring old texts and such, i found this site while i was looking and remembered the law of existence. so i threw it out there and the debate was difficult to start..but eventually was started under a misleading topic, because i had already angered many members, including the admins.
during the argument, i had a war in myself. a part that believed, and a part that was just a question. through the course of the argument i realized what i was saying. what they were saying., and i knew God was. not maybe was, not could be, but was. and was real. and that we are like a cell in a body, like cells are in our bodies, and the cell doesn't know your brain, but the cell is a part of your body, with a specific task. and that some cells were sick. and medicine was shot into the body to help the sick cells, but some cells would reject the medicine, and be rejected by the body and die. God came to me when i realized how faith works. but also came another.
it was difficult for my mind to accept. on one side a voice cried for me to do things of myself proclaiming i was God, another voice was asking me things. i heard it ask me do i believe? i felt its pull and that it loved me, yet the other voice was screaming at me. telling me the other voice was frail because of it only being by faith, that the doubt it has allowed live in its body had defiled it. that all that is will cease to exist. there were many other battles, and i could hardly focus on daily tasks, but my heart could not accept the doubt and the lies, but instead kept seeking the truth. that voice of love who came to me. the voice i came to love and fear. the voice i now serve. he is with me always, but not too close as the first time of the war in me, many truths were explained to me, and the work of any good i truly do does not come from me, but from him who works through me. and that glory belongs to God, not man. that i am no better than the worst of other men. the way he talks through me is liken to how a psychic describes paranormal activity. but i know nothing is really "paranormal" now. like nothing is truly supernatural. all things are normal and natural to the one it has all come from. its only that way for those who don't understand. like a magician flying across a room. it appears supernatural, but upon inspection, you see it is normal.
there is another post where i explained the phenomenon better perhaps, it was a post started by larni, concerning the psychology of "watchers" or "judges" that people would try to appease in their minds eye.
many of these things i say here now, i have said before in other posts. but these i say again for you D2D.
i continue to grow in the truth, and to do as God wills of me. for i see many things clearer now. but not all things. i am still a man. and the marriage is soon, but not yet. not yet.
Edited by tesla, : added "to"
keep your mind from this way of enquiry, for never will you show that not-being is
~parmenides
™ Version 4.2
