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Author Topic:   Humor IV
Percy
Member
Posts: 18377
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 4.9


Message 16 of 540 (467669)
05-23-2008 9:05 AM
Reply to: Message 13 by cavediver
05-22-2008 1:50 PM


Re: Star Wars - Join the Rebellion
cavediver writes:

Yeah, we don't make our good stuff available to rogue states. Pay the 200 years of back-tax owed, and we'll send you a working link.

This already happened around the turn of the millennium. This has probably been posted before, but in case anyone missed it:

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

  2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

  3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

  4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

  5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

  6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

  7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

  8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

  9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

  11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

  13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

  14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

  15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

  16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

  17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

  18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

  19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

  20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776. Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA, in line with the policy: "No representation without taxation".

  21. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

  22. Some tea has gone missing, and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

So cough up the video!

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by cavediver, posted 05-22-2008 1:50 PM cavediver has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 17 by Larni, posted 05-23-2008 10:05 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Larni
Member
Posts: 3976
From: Liverpool
Joined: 09-16-2005


Message 17 of 540 (467677)
05-23-2008 10:05 AM
Reply to: Message 16 by Percy
05-23-2008 9:05 AM


Come upence day.
Wonderfull! Apart from the bit about therapist :(
This message is a reply to:
 Message 16 by Percy, posted 05-23-2008 9:05 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Shield
Member (Idle past 972 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


Message 18 of 540 (467802)
05-24-2008 4:08 PM


I Will Derive!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9dpTTpjymE&eurl=http://idle.slashdot.org/idle/08/05/24/1335258.shtml

The funniest video i ever saw.

A song about math problems.

Cameo appearence by TI-83


Replies to this message:
 Message 20 by Taz, posted 05-25-2008 2:51 AM Shield has responded

  
RAZD
Member
Posts: 19819
From: the other end of the sidewalk
Joined: 03-14-2004
Member Rating: 10.0


Message 19 of 540 (467831)
05-24-2008 7:40 PM
Reply to: Message 15 by The Matt
05-23-2008 5:25 AM


especially if you lived in Toronto ...
This message is a reply to:
 Message 15 by The Matt, posted 05-23-2008 5:25 AM The Matt has not yet responded

Taz
Member (Idle past 1402 days)
Posts: 5069
From: Zerus
Joined: 07-18-2006


Message 20 of 540 (467863)
05-25-2008 2:51 AM
Reply to: Message 18 by Shield
05-24-2008 4:08 PM


First of all, I'd like to thank you for that link to that vid. Because that link led me to the best youtube vid I've ever seen in my life.

My Humps about Calculus

I'd also like to make clear about something. Those two geeks in your vid there do not represent all us physics majors. When I was in college, half of us in the physics department played some kind of sports. Some of us would meet each other at the student rec at least 3 times a week to workout. As a matter of fact, at least at the school where I went, physics students were a lot more physically fit than any other science student body.

Not all of us were nerds! In fact, my philosophy is if you're going to major in physics you have to be able to chest bench at least 120% of your body weight and run a mile in 5 minutes. If you can't do either of those, you might as well go for a math or biology degree. Now, those are real nerds.


I'm trying to see things your way, but I can't put my head that far up my ass.
This message is a reply to:
 Message 18 by Shield, posted 05-24-2008 4:08 PM Shield has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 23 by Shield, posted 05-26-2008 3:34 AM Taz has not yet responded
 Message 152 by monkey boy, posted 01-23-2009 6:56 PM Taz has not yet responded

Rrhain
Member
Posts: 6349
From: San Diego, CA, USA
Joined: 05-03-2003


Message 21 of 540 (467877)
05-25-2008 7:20 AM


Just to throw water:

Baseball is played in Canada. Now, I know that the Brits don't quite own as much of the world as they used to, but Canada is still part of the Commonwealth and is not just "North North Dakota" or "Southern Alaska."

And a five-minute mile is Olympic marathon pace. That's a bit much to ask of anyone.

And while Tom Lehrer is god, Stanislaw Lem is at least an avatar. From Cyberiad (originally written in Polish...his translator, Michael Kandel, is owed a tremendous debt to capture the intent so perfectly, which only goes to show that yes, anything can be translated), a poem on love and tensor algebra:

Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!

Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.

In Riemann, Hilbert, or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove,
And in our bound partition never part.

For what did Cauchy know, or Christoffel,
Or Fourier, or any Boole or Euler,
Wielding their compasses, their pens and rulers,
Of thy supernal sinusoidal spell?

Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

Ellipse of bliss, converge, O lips divine!
The product of our scalars is defined!
Cyberiad draws nigh, and the skew mind
Cuts capers like a happy haversine.

I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die,
Had he but known such a2cos2f!

And then there was the following equation that used to be on my business cards:

(∫1sqrt(3)z dz) cos(3p/9) = ln(sqrt(e))

Or in words:

The integral of z dz
From 1 to the square root of 3
Times the cosine
Of 3 pi over 9
Equals natural log square root of e


Rrhain

Thank you for your submission to Science. Your paper was reviewed by a jury of seventh graders so that they could look for balance and to allow them to make up their own minds. We are sorry to say that they found your paper "bogus," specifically describing the section on the laboratory work "boring." We regret that we will be unable to publish your work at this time.
  
Rrhain
Member
Posts: 6349
From: San Diego, CA, USA
Joined: 05-03-2003


Message 22 of 540 (467948)
05-25-2008 9:48 PM


Some finds
I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC:

The Potter Puppet Pals:


Rrhain

Thank you for your submission to Science. Your paper was reviewed by a jury of seventh graders so that they could look for balance and to allow them to make up their own minds. We are sorry to say that they found your paper "bogus," specifically describing the section on the laboratory work "boring." We regret that we will be unable to publish your work at this time.
  
Shield
Member (Idle past 972 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


Message 23 of 540 (467979)
05-26-2008 3:34 AM
Reply to: Message 20 by Taz
05-25-2008 2:51 AM


You almost make it sounds like those two guys appearance is a bad thing?

personally, i think, that guys like those two, who do not care about physical appearance, sports and other distractions from their primary interest, are the future rulers of this world.

Dont get me wrong, social life, sports and so forth, can be an important part of life, but if youre geeky enough to not care about those things, chances are, you'll become greater than those who did care.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 20 by Taz, posted 05-25-2008 2:51 AM Taz has not yet responded

  
Granny Magda
Member (Idle past 1 days)
Posts: 2380
From: UK
Joined: 11-12-2007


Message 24 of 540 (468917)
06-02-2008 12:01 PM


Songs of Praise (Subtitled)
Couldn't resist posting this...

For more such nonsense, I heartily recommend www.adam-buxton.co.uk and also the Adam and Joe show on BBC 6Music, Saturday mornings.


Mutate and Survive
Replies to this message:
 Message 25 by bluescat48, posted 06-02-2008 10:37 PM Granny Magda has not yet responded

  
bluescat48
Member (Idle past 2300 days)
Posts: 2347
From: United States
Joined: 10-06-2007


Message 25 of 540 (469012)
06-02-2008 10:37 PM
Reply to: Message 24 by Granny Magda
06-02-2008 12:01 PM


Re: Songs of Praise (Subtitled)
utterly hilarious


There is no better love between 2 people than mutual respect for each other WT Young, 2002

Who gave anyone the authority to call me an authority on anything. WT Young, 1969


This message is a reply to:
 Message 24 by Granny Magda, posted 06-02-2008 12:01 PM Granny Magda has not yet responded

  
bluegenes
Member (Idle past 587 days)
Posts: 3119
From: U.K.
Joined: 01-24-2007


Message 26 of 540 (469967)
06-08-2008 6:44 PM


Izzard on dinosaur creation.

Taz
Member (Idle past 1402 days)
Posts: 5069
From: Zerus
Joined: 07-18-2006


Message 27 of 540 (469999)
06-08-2008 8:56 PM


Absolutely no news


I'm trying to see things your way, but I can't put my head that far up my ass.
Replies to this message:
 Message 28 by Granny Magda, posted 06-09-2008 8:26 AM Taz has not yet responded

Granny Magda
Member (Idle past 1 days)
Posts: 2380
From: UK
Joined: 11-12-2007


Message 28 of 540 (470065)
06-09-2008 8:26 AM
Reply to: Message 27 by Taz
06-08-2008 8:56 PM


Re: Absolutely no news
Funny old world. Right after watching your "no news" video, in the wee small hours of this morning, I watched an old episode of the splendid TV show QI and one of the quite interesting facts up for discussion was that on the 18th of April 1930 there really was no news.

The BBC radio service couldn't find anything to report, so they simply announced "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no news this evening, so here is some music."! It seems that nothing much happened that day. There was the "Chittagong Rebellion" in India, but that didn't happen until 10pm, too late for the UK news.

If you've not come across QI before, I recommend giving it a watch. It's a comedy panel game, where the questions are fiendishly difficult, the contestants are awarded points for being quite interesting and penalised for being unoriginal or for uttering popular misconceptions. You can watch them here.


Mutate and Survive
This message is a reply to:
 Message 27 by Taz, posted 06-08-2008 8:56 PM Taz has not yet responded

  
Taz
Member (Idle past 1402 days)
Posts: 5069
From: Zerus
Joined: 07-18-2006


Message 29 of 540 (470281)
06-10-2008 2:18 PM


Serial killer!


I'm trying to see things your way, but I can't put my head that far up my ass.
Stephen
Junior Member (Idle past 3879 days)
Posts: 7
From: Charleston, SC, USA
Joined: 06-11-2008


Message 30 of 540 (470423)
06-11-2008 5:55 AM


The My humps for calculus was hilarious. :D
  
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