Humor IV

wow. Just....wow. Surely it has to be satire..???? Are people really THAT loony? Is Buz the site admin?

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"Some people think God is an outsized, light-skinned male with a long white beard, sitting on a throne somewhere up there in the sky, busily tallying the fall of every sparrow. Othersfor example Baruch Spinoza and Albert Einsteinconsidered God to be essentially the sum total of the physical laws which describe the universe. I do not know of any compelling evidence for anthropomorphic patriarchs controlling human destiny from some hidden celestial vantage point, but it would be madness to deny the existence of physical laws."-Carl Sagan

I can't immagince why anyone would want to do that much effort in the name of satire (and I pretty much just looked at the home page). Is the Landover Baptist site that massive?Moose

Not quite. However, jesus-is-savior seems to be just a bunch of links. Anything you click goes to a wholly different site: new tabs and all. It still is alot of work, if in the name of satire.

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"Some people think God is an outsized, light-skinned male with a long white beard, sitting on a throne somewhere up there in the sky, busily tallying the fall of every sparrow. Othersfor example Baruch Spinoza and Albert Einsteinconsidered God to be essentially the sum total of the physical laws which describe the universe. I do not know of any compelling evidence for anthropomorphic patriarchs controlling human destiny from some hidden celestial vantage point, but it would be madness to deny the existence of physical laws."-Carl Sagan

To those of us who have children in our lives. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was DON'T!Don't what? Adam replied.Don't eat the forbidden fruit. God said.Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!No Way!Yes way!Do NOT eat the fruit! Said God.Why?Because I am your Father and I said so! God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? God asked.Uh huh, Adam replied.Then why did you? Said the Father.I don't know, said Eve.She started it! Adam said.Did not!Did too!DID NOT!Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

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'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX

There is no way that is parody.Okay, I'll take that back. What I should have said is that there is no way that was intended as parody. That might make it unintended parody.I found some related sites:
Challenge to David J. Stewart.
David J. Stewart Exposed!
David J. Stewart is NOT the way to Heaven!!!
David J. Stewart Indicted for Sex with Minor
NIV EXPOSED! (by David J. Stewart) (a youtube video, with links to many similar videos).I concur that this is parody, though unintended parody.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts..
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.AL-QAEDA CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one..
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all..
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX

I don't watch American Idol, but I hear about it all the time, mostly about Simon and Paula and so forth. This isn't actually American Idol but Britains Got Talent, but anyway, I heard an indirect reference to this incredible and surprising performance by a Susan Boyle and so I looked it up. Maybe everyone has already heard about this, but it was news to me.This doesn't really belong in humor, but it's pretty incredible and unexpected. Embedding is disabled for this video, but here's the link: --Percy

And in follow-up news, Eddison has just invented the light-bulb, Newton publishes his Third Law, and wheels apparently are better when they are round...

It was pretty hard to miss over on this side of the pond. Here's her wiki pageAnd if you liked her, check out Paul Potts a contestant from the year before, kinda the same thing as Susan. His performance can also be found on Youtube.

Isn't Susan Boyle like year old news.Popular culture has no place in your life does it Percy.

Classic M&W, Dr A, but here's possibly my favourite ever sketch:Edited by cavediver, : No reason given.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T iPhone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his locationwhich he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man tries to stuff it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie Congressman, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...Now give me back my dog!

Speaks for itself. Mutate and Survive

I'm sorry, my dear. I must have missed something.Would you explain, please?In detail.Intricate, minute detail, please.