I have one locked in my closet.
I'd show it to you, but it's invisible.
And silent.
And no, you can't just throw flour on it to see it - it's permeable to flour.
Yes, and your hand.
Yes, that too. You know what? It's intangible.
But it's there. I know it's there because it perfectly matches my own concept of what a god should be. And it totally helped me with my server upgrade over the weekend, which was totally due to the assistance of my pet god, and had nothing to do with the hours of preparation and planning I spent beforehand. That totally proves that it's there. I can
feel its love for me and its intent to help me, and I totally said "thank you" and everything.
Besides, almost everybody in the world believes in some kind of god, so obviously my pet closet-bound god must exist.
I'm absolutely certain that its still in my closet, waiting to imperceptibly alter reality such that things go my way at my request. Well, okay, so sometimes it says "no," and things don;t go my way. And sometimes its nemesis, the deity Murphy, just makes things not go my way too. I mean, my pet god could totally beat Murphy in a fight, but sometimes he lets Murphy take a swing at me, just to test my faith. No, I totally don't think that's absurd, insane, or cruel. I mean, he has to do the reality-warping imperceptibly, and that means he HAS to sometimes
not warp reality just to keep up appearances - it would be too obvious is everything
always went my way. The world has to totally look exactly the way it would look if he wasn't there, otherwise he wouldn't be able to require faith!
See? Definitely a god in my closet. After all, you can't prove it's
not there, and logically self-consistent ideas that have not been falsified are
possibly true and therefore it's
totally rational to be confident that they
are in fact true simply due to personal preference. I know, 'cause RAZD told me so.
And the Christians all tell me that faith is the evidence of things unseen, and the proof of things hoped for. I totally hope there's a god in my closet who warps reality in respose to my eager prayers, so my faith is actually evidence that it's there! See? I really do have a god in my closet!
He totally wants to let all of us live in Disney World forever after we die, too (Disney World is way better than Disney Land), all you have to do is acknowledge that he's really in my closet. But don't let him catch you suggesting that he might
not exist. I already proved it, and deep down you know he's there, so doubt is really just letting Murphy deceive you from the truth. And if Murphy can deceive you like that, then you get trapped in a Teletubbies episode for all eternity. Not even different ones - it's the same episode, forever. Like Groundhog Day, except less funny, with fewer ground-swelling future-telling mammals and more weird toddler-things with bizarre antennas on their heads and TVs in their abdomens. And wouldn't you much rather bet on my closet god and maybe get into eternal Disney World than risk getting stuck in Teletubby-hell?
See? My closet got
totally exists. I proved it! I mean, not conclusively or anything, you still need faith. But even though my evidence doesn't
compel you to believe in my deity, it does
allow you to believe, and don't you really want to, anyway? Reality-warping in response to prayer, somebody who cares, and a free ticket to eternal Disney World, remember! I'm going to ride "It's a Small World"
infinity times!
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