hide Let here be recorded those exploits and endeavours of The 'Tard of the Hun, and how through his dealings with The Ultimate Authority The Lord Chimp, Great is His anger, he went and conquered a little patch of land known as the Jenssen's place.
For 'twas upon a day that was sunny and warm, with the golden sun, set in the sky by the greatest of authorities, The Lord Chimp, short is His fuse, I, 'Tard of the Hun, was upon the green meadow before my estate. And yonder did I look, and behold such a sight that I had not seen in days. 'Twas the neighbours daughter, known as Violet to some, and pumpkin to others, who, upon this hot and heavy day, did frolic to and fro. Her robes of colourful flowers did a-flutter in the wind. Ah yes, the wind, blown around the Earth by none other than that most authoritative figures of all, The Lord Chimp, his temper be terrible, and doubtless, it blew to reveal to mine eyes the wonderful stilts that did bear aloft this creature of wonderful visage. For this I gave praise to Him, and hoped he would bless me more, for one thing was clear to, as cleasr as the purest water, giving praise to some being so much elevated above us as to be Ultimate in authority, must be pleasing to Him. And He, being pleased, would shower me with the most radiant of blessings, for He is a just authority, though he angers swiftly, 'tis always righteous fury. For a few days did the sun burn my features, and red did I become. Red be the favourite colour of The Lord Chimp, for why else turn his devoted follower so? I undertook on oath to him, saying, "Lord Chimp, If I forswear the use of water as drink for three more days, wouldst thou grant me my desires?" And 'lo! So did he answer with an evaporating puddle, for did not the puddle represent my sin, being taken by his glorious authority? Then one cooling night, when the inner fire of His blessing burned so much I could not sleep, 'twas as if my skin was alight like a thousand candles, I had a vision. A vision of flowers turning red, of flame consuming wood, of love finally recognized and of respect finally won! I knew what The Lord Chimp, his rage be consuming, wanted me to do! I did waste not a drop of sand from my hourglass and did hurry as the wind towards the land I was to conquer. With a ferocious shout I broke down their most foul barrier, it had protected them for long, but against the blessings of an authority such as The Lord Chimp, furious is his mood, there is no safe haven. Upwards my feet carried me ever higher, I was being held aloft by His great want. For wanting this he did, he told me so in every fiber of my body, and I did tingle with excitement. Shouts, the man looked surprised, and that look forever holds his visage, for he liveth no longer, the axe was too sharp. His wife did a-shriek, but silence soon filled this dark cool house, already, the great rage The Lord Chimp had filled me with was subsiding, I was ever closer to what he wished me to do. Entering the final room, my goal lay in sight, I took her up in my arms, still dripping with the life of her captors, and set her free, to be my wife. Now, she lives in m basement, and is happy and content that the great authority did select her to be the start of his new commune of most loyal followers.
So I say unto thee all, do not doubt that there is but one authority, the ultimate authority, The Lord Chimp, berserking ever on.
Well, that should settle this debate over who is the ultimate authority once and for all. And don't criticize this, it only took me about ten minutes to write, so no quality is guaranteed. Oh, and The Lord Chimp will curse you if you speak ill of his followers. /hide
Ah, the Dutch language. It sounds like the bastard offspring of English, German and every other language in the area. I'm sure it would be interesting and amusing to hear a Dutch rendition of the "Ballad of Tard".
But I digress. We were talking about suspensions. Haven't I seen you suspended before? I mean, aside from Dr Adequate (all hail His High Passive-Aggressiveness), aren't you one of the meanest, most sarcastic, and realistic posters on EvC? I'm sure I've seen you suspended a few times.
I find it hard to believe that someone who (presumably) doesn't speak English as a first language could wax so poetically (and in 10 minutes!).
Why thank you kind sir. No, English is not my first language, but really, I haven't encountered a Dutchman yet who doesn't speak it to some degree. Although, admittedly, not as well, as I do. (god, I sound so arrogant now. ). Of course, watching nothing but English cartoons subbed in Dutch (like Transformers, GI Joe, MASK, and probably some other stuff too) in my youth was a great contributor to that (on a side note, most series now are dubbed, they're dumbing down our kids!)
A sub topic of this thread could be "My first post that got me suspended"
I of course have never (yet) been suspended.
I have only received 2, and banned from the Big Bang/Cosmology thread once, even though I felt being a prick was needed in that thread. And I say only 'cause there were cases where I expected to get peeled but, as luck should have it, I didn't.
I almost had a first recently; being suspended for not being upto the comedic standards of a pro. And I would have gladly accepted that one, having shat the bed with jokes in that post.
You haven't been suspended yet? Get the fuck out of here! I'm with bluegenes, pusssssyyyyy, or...maybe you're just really good at hiding the mean spirit with dem fancy college-type words. I go right for the curse words.
(**Straggler gazes angelically at the halo suspended over his head**)
Cuz you're a bit of a dick... in a good way, don't get me wrong.
It is better to have been a dick "in a good way" than to have never been a dick at all. This is my motto in life. It has served me well thus far.
And this post has now brought you and your lyrics to their attention. Way to go!
SSSSHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!! Don't make a song and dance about it. They'll catch on!!
(**Oni stands back up with a sick grin on his face and asks, "Can we do that again?"**)
You are never one to be pusillanimous when it comes to dick based experiences huh?
Straggler: "OK boys. Harder and faster this time. Oni wants da juice"
(**RAZD and Bluejay look up wearily from the exercise bikes to which they are eternally strapped. As they begin to peddle the jump leads to power Strags Halo hum with high voltage electric current. The look of excitement on Oni's face is slightly disturbing**)