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Member (Idle past 1413 days) Posts: 1495 From: Framingham, MA, USA Joined: |
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Author | Topic: Who's the Class Clown? | |||||||||||||||||||||||
Dan Carroll Inactive Member |
quote: If you'd heard the hobos' plans, you'd be afraid too. You haven't seen the blueprints, Hambre. You don't know about the endless flesh-pits, or the many-angled death factories, shining tall and proud under a mewling, squirming, black beating heart where the sun used to be. Fuckin' hobos. Buncha assholes.
quote: I'm tempted to go forward with it. I've heard you college boys get into some hilarious sissy-boy slap fights when somebody insults your dear sweet mothers. But in all seriousness, I have nothing but respect for your mother. Anyone who can pull off a DVDA on her son's bed without waking him up gets the thumbs up from me.
quote: It would be like telling fruits from oranges, Hambre. Fruits from oranges.
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MrHambre Member (Idle past 1413 days) Posts: 1495 From: Framingham, MA, USA Joined: |
Dan,
You’re unbelievable. Literally. The insane conspiracy theories that fire the imaginations of you cartoon people, I swear. Your fellow animated character Fred Williams is behind all this, as I found out one day when Fred and I were walking through Kenmore Square. We were looking for boys who---well, let’s just say we were walking through Kenmore Square. A young homeless fella comes up and bums a buck off me (I somehow resisted the urge to set him alight, you sick bastard). Fred watches him walk off and says, I mean asserts, These bums are getting younger all the time. That’s where it started. Yeah, you’ve read all his Homeless People Are Aliens and Winos Disprove the Evolution Fairy Tale! threads, and I think something just snapped in him that day in Boston’s Back Bay. I want to make it clear to you people: the bums are NOT getting younger. They are DIFFERENT bums, just younger ones. If you’d stop listening to Syamsu’s nonsense about ‘not comparing the winos, just gauging their reproductive success,’ your time would be a lot better spent, believe me. I know Fred has gone to great lengths to convince people that there’s a big cover up, and he seems to have convinced you too, Dan. The truth is that there is no reason to bludgeon hobos or set homeless people on fire. There is no fountain-of-youth conspiracy (the ‘studies’ Fred quoted to Mammuthus turned out to be bogus) and I want to register my disdain for anyone gullible enough to have fallen for such a transparent hoax. Of course, you’ll just reply that I’m in on the conspiracy. That would be, well, nonsense.
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Dan Carroll Inactive Member |
The hobo's greatest power is to convince the world he poses no threat.
I don't think you're in on the conspiracy, Mr. Hambre. It would be like suggesting that the cow conspires with the man who eats the steak. Fred Williams did indeed introduce me to the concept of the hobo master plan, but even he didn't know the full scope of the Hobo World-That-Is-To-Come. His limited vision allowed only for reflection, and what he saw was just his own mad paranoia, finally turned back upon its master. When I finally found him again, he was in an alleyway, with his spine broken and twisted into spirals. He had been... tangled through a garbage can, with a mouth full of pickle brine, and a note pinned to his forehead, written on violet paper with soiled lipstick. It read "The mouth ain't s'posed to scream like that. There are no masks on anymore, and may God have mercy on us all." Off to the side, three hobos shifted nervously and looked away. There is a war coming, Mr. Hambre. And if you can't fight it, be glad there are brave soldier who are willing.
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Dr_Tazimus_maximus Member (Idle past 3237 days) Posts: 402 From: Gaithersburg, MD, USA Joined: |
Only the true conspirator denies his own conspiracy.
Enough, I am off to eat some Juniper berries and sleep with a Welsh tart. Too tired to be funny. ------------------"Chance favors the prepared mind." L. Pasteur and my family motto Transfixus sed non mortis Taz
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Trump won  Suspended Member (Idle past 1260 days) Posts: 1928 Joined: |
Have either of you ever done any real "stand-up" comedy or is your true form "sit down" where you sit in front of the computer creating the best punchline?
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Cthulhu Member (Idle past 5872 days) Posts: 273 From: Roe Dyelin Joined: |
Shut up. This is hilarious.
Luckily they haven't associated me with the hobo conspiracy. Oops. Did I say that out loud? ------------------Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
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MrHambre Member (Idle past 1413 days) Posts: 1495 From: Framingham, MA, USA Joined: |
According to FOX News, this weekend was an eventful one:
-In Indonesia, a fat student was dragged from the computer room of the East Nganjuk library and severely beaten in the street while several bystanders, including police officers and members of the victim's family, cheered on the savage attack. The thugs considered responsible for the assault ignored the young victim's cries for them to just go away and are expected to be charged with littering. -In Munich, a man was arrested for running through the beer stalls at Oktoberfest naked except for copious body hair and a wooly elephant mask, making lewd requests of female patrons for a testable hypothesis concerning his private parts. Since he did not interrupt mass transit schedules, he was de-loused and released. -In San Diego, a protest against the heterocentric white capitalist patriarchy ended in tragedy as a participant fell from the podium after leading the crowd in a rousing rendition of that song from 'Annie Get Your Gun.' The victim was treated for minor injuries and lost his adhesive goatee in the fall. He was released on bail after being charged with second-degree irrelevance and conspiracy to annoy. Females in the audience reported that he finished way too soon. -In Chicago, a man in a soiled clown suit was treated for burns after attacking and setting fire to himself in a South Side alleyway. He showed all indications of being inebriated and only able to remember one joke. Doctors described the victim as a hopeless nutjob. When pressed for a second opinion, they said he smelled. He was released into the care of his imaginary girlfriend. [This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]
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Mammuthus Member (Idle past 6495 days) Posts: 3085 From: Munich, Germany Joined: |
quote: Is this supposed to be me as it aptly describes just about all australians who come to Oktoberfest (at least in the Hofbrau tent)...and I resent the implication that I did not interupt mass transit schedules.
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Dan Carroll Inactive Member |
quote: Well, that should be your first tip-off right there. Rupert Murdoch? Total hobo. I know, I know, you'll ask me what I'm basing that on. But all I can say is that I can tell if a guy is a hobo or not just by looking. It's like a radar or something.
quote: What can I say? Like anyone who wants to give something back to the community, I've taken on students. Damn amateurs, gumming up the works. But they're eager to learn, and... well, Hell... you try looking into those happy, toothless smiles and telling them to go get real jobs and families. If it wasn't for me, these guys would probably be still living with their moms, practicing fake news reports in front of the mirror, while fondly reminiscing about the headmaster's cane. And such a living Hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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MrHambre Member (Idle past 1413 days) Posts: 1495 From: Framingham, MA, USA Joined: |
The scourge of pan-hoboism is threatening to cheapen this debate, which has until now maintained a sophisticated tone and centered on pertinent subjects such as monkey feces and nonexistent gash. It’s clear that the conspiracy theorists here at EvCvH have monopolized the dialogue, by making every thread conform to their bizarre world view.
For instance, a heartwarming thread called Did My Bunny Go To Heaven? was started by a very sincere new poster named PapaSmurf (though the thread was later relocated by Percy from the Big Bang and Cosmology forum). Soon, however, the hoboists had their seamy way with the thread, treating it like a weak boy during his first shower in the joint. No less than ten pages of posts were submitted by rude louts such as ScrotumBolt and fistmelikeapro arguing that hoboism was the only viable scientific model, ignoring the topic rather egregiously. Rei posted several dozen replies in the course of an hour, but to no avail. Fred Williams has begun nearly a hundred threads like Wino Stench is Irreducibly Complex and The Bums who Destroyed the Darwinist Illusion, in which he expounds upon his half-assed theories. I can’t help but blame Crashfrog and holmes for encouraging him, spending too much time pointing out patiently the holes in his inane assertions that hobos 1) control the scientific establishment, 2) direct funding away from programs that might shed light on the hoboist conspiracy, and 3) support a vast media cover-up to portray hobos as pathetic, harmless losers with substance abuse issues. The latest entry is Brother, Can You Spare a Paradigm Shift?, currently at 191 posts over in the Is it Science? forum. {Added by edit:} Sorry, 192. Crashfrog strikes again. {Added by edit:} Sorry, 193. Dan Carroll has taken responsibility for this totally groundless paranoia. I think he owes us an explanation, delivered by alleged comedian Adam Sandler. How ‘bout it, Dan?
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Dan Carroll Inactive Member |
quote: What's wrong, Hambre? Gettin' nervous? Feeling the sweat drip down the back of your neck? Muscles starting to clench? It's probably just a class reunion. Lie back and think of England, you should be fine. As for the hobos, however, I will happily settle the matter once and for all with indisputable PROOF.
NOW do you see how groundless your assertions are? Will the anti-hoboists finally acknowledge the PROOF of Hobonic intervention?
quote: This only illustrates the clear anti-hoboist bias on this forum. If I had known this was a place where people would "question my views," and "respond to what I say," I would stuck to Terry's talkorigins community, where the moderators maintain basic levels of civility by accepting Hoboist Theories, and deleting opposing viewpoints. With the exception of my following year's worth of posts, I'm done here.
quote: I thought we were moving away from screaming and throwing feces.
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MrHambre Member (Idle past 1413 days) Posts: 1495 From: Framingham, MA, USA Joined: |
Dear Dan,
This is wicked hard for me. I wanted to say this when we were at the track on Saturday but I guess I just couldnt bring myself to. No matter what, I still have feelings for you and Id hate to see you upset ever again like that time I mentioned condoms when you took your pants off in the cab. Im sorry this has to be done through e-mail, but Im scared of what you’ll do if I say it in person. When we first met I thought you were wicked nice. I never knew a cartoonist before and I always thought they, like, drew cartoons and stuff. I was surprised that you never really worked. I dont know how you got my bank card but I dont think it was cool that you spent all the money I made at the A&W on pot and glue. I guess my mom and dad and sister and best friend and therapist and neighbor and driving instructor were right about you. I didnt mind going to that first comics convention with you, but dont you remember me asking why cant we go to fun places that I like too? Then it was cartoon movie festivals and more comic book stuff and the Shellac concert and comics stores and other really boring stuff. Dont you ever read like, a real book with words or see a movie with real people? I think you never had all those other girlfriends you said really liked comic books. There, I said it. And they probably never drove all the way to Cicero or Oak Lawn to bail you out, either, you liar. And I dont think those other girlfriends would of let you do the stuff you did to me, you know what I mean. You think just because your not big it doesnt hurt the other way, but thats all youll ever do. Why cant you ever do it normal, without hockey masks and pictures of amputees and Pee Wee’s Playhouse playing all the time? Im sorry, but I think I deserve better than you. I have sixteen years of life experience behind me and Im a wiser person then when I met you. Sarah [This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]
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Dan Carroll Inactive Member |
Non-Sequiter Theatre presents...
The Ex-GirlfriendStarring Mr. Hambre quote: Man, Hambre. What is it with you and talking about taking off and soiling my clothes? I was willing to dismiss it as good-natured ribbing at first, but it's getting a little creepy. The phone calls aren't helping matters, either. For the last time, I am not interested in hearing about what you're wearing, no matter how sheer it is.
quote: I thought you were the one who wanted to leave your Mom out of this. Make up your mind, guy! Now on a serious note... I understand the need for roleplaying, Hambre. Sometimes, when we want something badly enough, we make up identities like "Sarah" to cope with our feelings. But for the last time, I don't care if you're willing to wear a wig and a dress. I don't care how much more practice you've had than the other girls. And it makes no difference to me whatsoever how far through the hose you can get the golf ball. It is not. going. to happen. The phone calls have to stop. The letters have to stop. And you have to stop showing up under my window, playing Peter Gabriel on your boom box. Now let's put this ugliness behind us, and return to the important subject of hobos. (Which I notice you abandoned the second your anti-hoboist LIES were exposed.) [This message has been edited by Dan Carroll, 09-29-2003]
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MrHambre Member (Idle past 1413 days) Posts: 1495 From: Framingham, MA, USA Joined: |
Dan,
This is the second post today in which you've alluded to John Cusack. How many times are you going to inflame my jealousy with your fave Hollywood hunk? We had to see that wretched movie "Serendipity" like five times. I'm glad you had briefly left me for that burly cop when "Identity" came out. I won't share your heart with anyone, like I've told your answering machine a million times. Quit playing with me, Dan. Your lips say "restraining order" but your eyes say "come and get it!"
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Dan Carroll Inactive Member |
Hambre... gay jokes are a privelidge. Not a right.
Go back. Think your post over carefully, and then accuse me of man-love desires. I'll wait. No, seriously, I'll sit here and read the newspaper.
*flips pages, mutters* Damn, I wish Nomar'd get his act together. The Red Sox can do better than this...
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