The EvC Rock Band

I'd like to continue the conversation started hereabouts . I want to make it clear that I'm not looking to open up old wounds. I've already forgiven Dan and Rei for moving me from drums to glockenspiel, and I think Syamsu is a far superior drummer anyway. He's completely deaf, it's true, and often keeps playing long after the rest of the band has stopped, but his beat is so damn insistent I can't fault his drive.I still say the decision to change the name of the band from "The Babylon Lottery" to "Heritability of Zero" wasn't completely Rei's idea. But, coming as it did so soon before our crucial headline gig at Bob's Country Bunker, it did confuse some of our fans (who are legion) and didn't boost attendance any. Our manager Brad tried his best with the usual advance job maneuvers: he tried to call Maximum Rock and Roll, but ended up talking to the subscription line at Maxim instead. Dan got a lot of mileage from his longtime pledge to kill me onstage, but it's starting to sound like a ploy. The failure of the opening act "ID Testable Hypothesis" to show up was a bad sign, and our performance was hampered by Rei's constant breaks to go online and post replies.If anyone would like to audition for the band or suggest new names, feel free. If you want a refund from your purchase of our "Live at the Library of Babel" CD, contact Matador. I can't be held responsible for that.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

Rrhain writes:

quote:

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Band name?
Katie Couric's Colonoscopy

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That would be funnier if it didn't come from someone who led a demonstration outside our performance at Big Daddy's Bar and Grill in San Diego. It was easy to place the voice responsible for those shrill barks of "irrelevant!" crackling through that bullhorn on that hot Wednesday evening as we parked our van in front of the appliance store next to Big Daddy's. I'll have you know your charges of "racist and sexist insensitivity" led to the removal of Black Magic Woman from our set list. And that was the only number that featured anything resembling an extended solo for me on glockenspiel. Thanks again, you meddling PC busybody. Isn't there some groping gubernatorial candidate out your way who better deserves your wrath?------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 10-06-2003]

I always wondered what purpose that Bosstone was supposed to serve, since even hardcore Bosstone fans agree his live performances lacked the spark of his studio moves.Fred's involvement in "Heritability of Zero" predates mine, so maybe Dan or Rei could offer further comment. His inability to play his instrument is usually cited as the reason behind his dismissal, though it hardly excuses Dan's attempt to dump Fred off the Mackinac Bridge in a burlap sack. I remember reading a band interview in Flipside wherein Fred was asked to defend his policy of never actually plugging his bass into a live amp. He called the accusation a 'just-so story' despite photographic evidence.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

Rrhain,Try to be a little more considerate, okay? If you like baby chickens, don't go around calling them chicks. And cats don't like being called pussies, either. Don't you know the words you say can hurt others?------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

I've wondered what Warren was up to since HoZ opened up for his Steve Miller cover band last year in Hamtramck, MI. I begged Dan (our in-house explosives expert) to close the curtain with a few well-aimed M-80's, but he was too busy 'unwinding' at the bar (drinking Maker's Mark straight from the bottle) and declared the plan a waste of good quartersticks. In retrospect I suppose he was right. Warren's bands usually do four sets a day for a couple of weeks, then don't tour again for six months.Fred's unfortunate affection for that 'Caddyshack' movie was also mentioned as a source of friction in the band. Saying anything in that slurred Bill Murray voice is still a sure way to get Rei to leave the room. Fueling up (literally, not with distilled liquor) in a rainstorm in Gainsville once, I remarked, "I don't think the real heavy stuff is going to come down for another couple of hours." Dan stabbed me with the fuel nozzle and the band drove off without me. I didn't catch up with them again until Atlanta and tempers had cooled.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 10-07-2003]

Fred's skyrocketing porn addiction is never mentioned by the band. There are still crates behind HoZ's practice studio full of videotapes with no boxes and soggy magazines.Truth to tell, I'm starting to wonder about my future with Heritability of Zero. Onstage, my glockenspiel is never so much as miked, and I always have to lug everybody's equipment while Dan and his carny buddies all sit around and smoke. The shows are no picnic either. I dunno who started the revolting tradition of throwing beluga fetuses at the band while we're playing, but it's led to the cancellation of dozens of gigs. Three guesses who gets stuck cleaning that mess up after every show. I think initially I was hired so I could translate for the band at certain venues in the Southwest, and translate for Brad virtually everywhere. Whenever I ask for my share of the proceeds, Rei laughs and says it's been donated to a "real, real good cause."------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

Brad refers here to the time Heritability of Zero missed an important gig at some college in Ithaca whose name escapes me. I'm not convinced Syamsu had nothing to do with the little mix-up, averse as he is to the institutions of learning that teach Darwinism and algebra the same way the Nazi schools used to. He claimed there was no valid reason for comparing two routes to the college and selecting the shorter of the two. As one route went through New Hampshire (we were driving from Ohio), certain objections were raised, but to little avail. We showed up at the gig two days late. Rei decided to sue the school administration, charging that they discriminated against us for being 'locationally challenged.' We got paid, and Dan got a degree in something, I forget what.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

You should have asked for one in electrical engineering so you could be an expert on biology like Fred.He's going to rake it in once his red herring farm gets up and running, you just wait and see.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 10-07-2003]

The following interview (transcribed from a Munich radio boadcast) originally appeared in Bild Zeitung a while back:Mammuthus: I’m here in the studio with Heritability of Hero---Dan: Zero.Mammuthus: ---a band that---excuse me?Dan: Tusk in your ear? Zero. The name---Rei: You called us Heritability of Hero.Dan: I told you we should have stuck with Snuggle Bear’s Continuity.Rei: Maybe you should go solo. You could call yourself the Assistant Groundskeepers.Mammuthus: Easy, folksDan: What would you do without a musician in the band? Turn tricks for beer?Esteban (enters with food): Excuse me. Who had the Wienerschnitzel?Rei: That Thai wrap better not have peanut sauce.Esteban: UhhDan (slaps the bag out of Esteban’s hand): You could fuck up a wet dream, you know that? What’s this shit?Mammuthus: You guys are playing at Tod Stool tonight---Esteban: You asked for sauerkraut.Dan: You’re lucky I’m stoned. Get out of my sight.Esteban: Is that---Rei: What do I hear? Are you still in the room?Mammuthus: We have a caller on the line. Messenjah? Are you still there? Guten morgen?Esteban: I’ll be right outside(door slams)Mammuthus: I guess our caller's gone. How do you find German audiences?Dan: I just spit off the edge of the stage and there they are.Mammuthus: How do they compare to American audiences?Rei: Now you’ve done it.Dan: Oh Christ.Syamsu: There’s no valid reason for including comparison in the discussion. How many times have I said this?Mammuthus: I’m trying to get this interview started, that’s all.Syamsu: You should just go away.Mammuthus: I should kick your ass.Dan: Take a number.Rei: I never did get my potato salad.Mammuthus: Out in the parking lot, now!Syamsu: You lost the argument, so---(sound of bone snapping) OW! AAAAAAHHH! My high-hat arm!Dan: Guess Hambre's on drums again tonight. Keep him sober.Rei: This wrap is terrible. Do you want the last pretzel?Dan: I didn't even want the first one.Syamsu: Help me!! (sound of skull striking console) AAAH!!Rei: We forgot to bail out Brad in Leipzig.Dan: I think heroin's cheap over here. What time is the gig?Reprinted courtesy of QBN Publications LLC. All Rights Reserved.[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 10-08-2003]

I can’t believe everyone is so stoked about that Harun Yahya touring again. Okay, we all liked that punk-ska stuff when it first hit, but how many trombone solos can you take?I want to mention that Mammuthus is only concentrating on the negative in his update of the Heritability of Zero story. Yes, our European tour ended in arrests and extradition. However, our fan base among Eurocarnies is burgeoning. No one ever mentions the good things.Will you folks please cut us some slack? I understand, I know now, I realize, it’s absolutely crystal clear to me now that I made a mistake in having Fred Williams represent us at our trial. His credentials seemed iron-clad. Okay, I had never seen a ‘Genuine Ph.D Degree in Biology, Finance, Law, Electrical Engineering, and Customer Service’ before, and the proud name of Sandy’s Bowling Alley, Artesian Well Maintenance, and Accredited University in Boulder, CO was not immediately familiar to me, but Fred talks a good game. Too bad the jury didn’t agree. Note to prospective lawyers: you can’t call something an ‘unsupported assertion’ if they’ve got video.I can’t say the stint in Sing-Sing was a hoot, but I learned how to do tattoos, so it wasn’t wasted time. And did Brad visit us from nearby Ithaca even once? At our trial Dan claimed to have undergone a religious conversion (how do you ‘become a Quaker,’ anyway?) , but his pledge to change his ways didn’t last long. Two weeks into our stint he was already running the insanely profitable smack traffic, eliminating his competition with ruthless efficiency. A jailer named Moose admitted to me that my daily beatings by the skinhead gang were being subsidized by Dan with payments of potent-but-lethal homebrew. When I asked Moose why he didn’t stop the violence, he showed me the shopping cart full of Pall Malls donated by the new kingpin. When our sentence was commuted to ninety days, Dan appealed the ruling.It has not gone unnoticed that Rei somehow escaped the claws of justice. I’m starting to wonder if her ‘preliminary discussions’ with the Munich cops didn’t end with a cozy deal of some kind. I’d like to know why the courts approved the seizure of even my uncle’s snowplow and my mom’s azaleas, but Rei got a week-long ‘house arrest’ in Nice while the rest of us were extradited in a cargo jet and locked up in Riker’s pending trial. Perhaps she has some explanation that will put my suspicions to rest.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

Quetzal,You, sir, can go to hell. I might not have had to retain counsel with Fred if the law offices of Quetzal, Crashfrog & Holmes would return a phone message every so often. Gracias otra vez.------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall