Obituaries

Mammuthus, a poster on EvC Forum and survivor of the Ice Age (the movie, not the time period), was found dead in his Manhattan hayloft on Thursday. While the cause is still unclear, it appears that a bacteria developed the ability to break down tusks, and the infection spread to his brain. The coroner has assured us that the agonizing portion of the death was probably "relatively short", and the convultions were probably over in "minutes".Pastor Fred, of the New Revelation Baptist Church, performed a moving ceremony for his burial - most of which consisted of moving the 8 1/2 ton proboscid to the cemetary. His stirring sermon included a 30 minute soliloquy on how the bacteria have de-evolved, a brief rap about the wages of sin, and a moving rendition of Luciano Pavarotti's "Tu Che M'Hai Preso Il Cor".Mammothus was survived by his trainer Quetzal, his parrot Brad, and two species in the genus Elephas.------------------
"Illuminant light,
illuminate me."

Cthulhu was found dead in his/her/its/fhtagn's dwelling place at R'lyeh tomorrow. At yesterday's funeral Rev. Abbie Alhazred treated the moment with these poignant words:"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
and with strange aeons even death may die."------------------
Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn![This message has been edited by Cthulhu, 10-13-2003]

Sadly, EvC regular Rei passed away in what doctors say was a case of posting induced Turette's Syndrome. In her last message of 500 (in just two minutes) responding to Fred Williams, she ended with "truncation, GA, logic, selection, F&%k, S?%t, program, whoop whoop whoop"
To which Fred responded "I am watching Caddyshack until next April so I will get back to you then" which may have ultimately lead to Rei's head exploding. It took some time for doctors to piece together the cause of this tragedy as an overwhelmed Moose had to sift through thousands of posts to supply investigators with, though he found time to post a thread called "EvC posting quality sucks in October, everybody stop".Pastor Brad McFall gave a stirring homage to Rei closing with "Rei's vector and Provines nipples were no chicken on the Ph.D. highway when the hospital served donutes Einsteins condensation." Syamsu closed the ceremony by telling everyone to go away.

Dan Carroll and Mr. Hambre were found dead in an apparent double-homicide Monday morning, somewhere in the region of the betelgeuse system. While Carroll seems to have finally defeated Hambre, by mastering his rage and reaching 'super-cartoonist' level 1, Hambre managed to set off a chain reaction in the planetary core with his death-throes, destroying all life for light years around.Spokesmen for the Capsule Corporation and the planet Namek could not be reached for commment.

Wise was found dead today, after posting yet another picture of a nebula and claiming that it was proof of the existance of God. Someone had apparently shoved a stack of pictures of nebulas down his throat. Police are searching for the culprit, so that the President may award him or her a Medal of Honor.------------------
Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Humble and unassuming, Druid maiden, Asgara Sheeshalot was laid to rest for the 537th and final time this past week. Captain Percy, High Wizard of the Tunarian Police Force, told reports that though details are sketchy at this time, evidence has been found that points to Asgara's alter-ego, AdminAsgara, aka Queen of the Universe.Department psychiatrist Dr. Zhimbo speculated that AdminAsgara, on a manic powertrip, killed Asgara to stop her from using her druidic powers of good to curb the self-proclaimed "Queen's" attempt to take over the world. (or at least the forum) No charges have been pressed due to fear of retribution.Rumor has it that Asgara's power had been lessened lately by the Tunarian antlered wildlife's change of allegience to the new "Queen".As Asgara's body hasn't returned to its bind point, there is no burial planned. A memorial service is planned for the second Tuesday after the first new moon after the Winter Solstice.------------------
Asgara
"An unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates via Plato

The cause of the sudden death of Ned has yet to be determined. However, investigators suspect it is the same malady that has killed so many cats.The investigation is moving slowly since none of the forensic team wants to ask any searching questions for fear of bringing on themselves the same fate. This reporter is, himself, not feeling all that well after trying to learn more.

Parasomnium, bespectacled evolutionist debater and ardent animal rights champion (evidenced by his unreserved support for the campaigns "Subsidized Aspirin for Woodpeckers" and "Artificial Insemination of Prey Mantisses Now!"), also inventor of a nutcracker for squirrels, the velcro prosthesis for marsupials with pouch problems and underwater ink stain remover for octopi, is dead.He was found hanging motionless at the end of several strings, with no puppeteer in sight. His last words were found on a note, clutched in his hand. It read: "Tell NosyNed: curiouser and curiouser..."His body will be donated to science, which will donate it right back. After that it will be put on display in the Museum of Creationist Design, where it will be the only exhibit. Parasomnium will be remembered as an exceptional ... well, he will be remembered, anyway. His motto was Wittgenstein's: "whereof we cannot speak, thereof we must be silent." Having died has made it a lot easier for Parasomnium to put this into practice.

A QBN Entertainment Exclusive
Katima Mulillo, Caprivi Free State
15 Oct 03The world famous media mogul, pet sex toy manufacturer and amateur neotropical ornithologist Quetzal was killed today in a freak sporting accident at the never-completed, long-abandoned Africa Games sports complex here. Mr. Quetzal was apparently engaged in a solo version of the team sport of Caprivian Ox Baiting when the animal in question ran amok and stomped Mr. Q into a thin paste. Just before the contest, Mr. Quetzal is reported as saying, "I'm gonna make some bloody money off this stupid sport if it's the last thing I do." Apparently, it was.After a difficult tussle involving Caprivian Air Force AC-130 gunships, 1500 liters of liquid nitrogen, and 30 darts filled with distilled rinderpest virus, stadium officials were finally able to subdue the beast. Blood tests showed that the animal wasn't an ox at all, but a long-thought-extinct giant ground sloth. Director Percy, Caprivian State Minister for Really Weird Things, was overheard to opine, "Well, that explains why it was so hard to stop. Overkill, overchill and overill is the only way to get rid of 'em." Local officials suspect foul play, as sloths, giant or otherwise, don't much resemble Caprivian oxen.Representatives of HAX News Service and Megafaunal Emporia, GmBH, the world's foremost and only purveyors of extinct ground sloths, were unavailable for comment.Caprivian Ox Baiting has now been officially banned by the IUCN, IOC and the World Wrestling Federation. "After all, I mean, it's a really stupid sport, ya know? Someone could get hurt, or something." said Kathleen Mostly, spokesperson for the WWF in commenting on the incident.Mr. Quetzal is expected to be interred in his home town of Cerro Kilambe, Nicaragua, if sufficient bits and pieces of him can be found or soaked up with sponges.This has been a QBN Entertainment Exclusive

Poor Brian has gone.Last seen heading into a time machine with a hammer and three nails!Brian.

Not surprisingly, John followed closely behind with a crown of thorns stolen from a "build-your-own-crucifiction-scene" kit at a shopping mall in Texas and a cheap blanket that he had drawn an outline of a man on using spam so that nobody could identify the substance...he also brought several hammers and a bucket of nails...in case Brian missed.[This message has been edited by Mammuthus, 10-15-2003]

Spam!! My god, man, you've got it! No test in the world will ever deconstruct that stuff. And dating it-- forget it!

The EvC poster known as Joralex was struck and killed by a speeding car, while attempting to walk across a busy freeway. An eyewitness reported "He said that traffic was only a metaphysical assumption and then stepped out without looking, He didn't stand a chance".Paramedics were hampered in their efforts to retrieve the body by angry relatives. Paramedic N. B. Parrot informed us: "They said that he was only resting. In the middle of the freeway !? I told them that I knew a dead body when I saw one, but they just called me 'invincibly ignorant' and started ranting about a 'fanatical devotion to materialism'. It was like something out of Monty Python."

The Jerusalem Post
October 15, 2003Due to a time travel incident of bible advocate TrueCreation, we are forced to retract our obituary for Jesus Christ of Bethlehem (mistakenly referred to as "of Nazareth"). The Christ was found alive and well after surviving a crucifixion ordeal thanks to TrueCreation's introduction of Macrotermitinae macrotermes to the Jerusalem warehouse of Lucius's Cross Emporium. As a consequence, the religion known as Christianity has ceased to exist.In related news, Joralex - an EvC poster and author of "Yellow: The Color of Love" and "Quotations Are For Everyone Else" - has released his ninth book on the evolution of the species in the family Equidae. In its foreward by Stephen J. Gould, Gould praises the author for his tireless work in demonstration of the function of the natural world.Buzsaw, Ancient Literature professor at Harvard, will be in town to give his world-famous lecture, "Talking Donkeys and Fire-Breathing Crocodiles: Were Ancient Societies Unintelligent or Just Creative?" Also speaking will be biblical archaeologist Dan Carroll, who will propose the possibility that the donkey, like himself, was perhaps just an exceptional example of a smart ass.Fred Williams, however, is still just an electrical engineer.------------------
"Illuminant light,
illuminate me."[This message has been edited by Rei, 10-15-2003]

At the funeral of the esteemed philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche today, which went uncovered by radio and television news on account of anchorpeople being unable to pronounce his name, the departed's old colleague God was called to deliver the eulogy: "Nietzsche is dead. Nietzsche remains dead."