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Author Topic:   Humour VI
fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 196 of 553 (619013)
06-07-2011 2:45 PM


Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only A.

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 197 of 553 (619069)
06-08-2011 4:19 AM


Police officers shoot, what they think, is an alligator. Turns out, it was a lawn ornament.
ROFL
http://www.wkrg.com/...rete-croc/1207340/Jun-02-2011_3-23-pm

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 198 of 553 (619072)
06-08-2011 4:58 AM


To the people who whistle at someone to get their attention like they were dogs, let this be your ONE and ONLY warning..... The next time it is done to me, I will walk right up to you and PISS on your leg.
Haha lol read this on FB lol

New Cat's Eye
Inactive Member


Message 199 of 553 (619096)
06-08-2011 10:07 AM


Evolution/Creation on Family Guy
.
heh, I love Mountain Dew

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 200 of 553 (619103)
06-08-2011 11:53 AM


Random Christian humor
Top Ten Ways You Know You're In a Bad Church
10.The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
7. There's an ATM in the lobby.
6. Choir wears leather robes.
5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Karaoke Worship Time.
2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
"Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church"
10. The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"
9. New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.
8. Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
7. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
6. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.
5. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
4. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.
3. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
2. The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.
1. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she's divorced.
"Noah's Top 10"
10. Strange! We haven't seen another boat for weeks.
9. If only I'd brought along more rhino litter!
8. How many times around this place makes a mile?
7. I never want to sleep in a waterbed again.
6. I wonder what my friends are doing right now.
5. An outboard motor would have made this more exciting!
4. Fish for supper--again?
3. Does anyone have more Dramamine?
2. What? You don't have film to photograph the rainbow?
1. I should have killed those darn mosquitoes when I had the chance!

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Replies to this message:
 Message 201 by Panda, posted 06-08-2011 12:02 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

Panda
Member (Idle past 3713 days)
Posts: 2688
From: UK
Joined: 10-04-2010


Message 201 of 553 (619105)
06-08-2011 12:02 PM
Reply to: Message 200 by fearandloathing
06-08-2011 11:53 AM


Re: Random Christian humor
fearandloathing writes:
4. Fish for supper--again?
Noah: "What's for tea, good wife of mine?"
Emzara: "Lamb stew."
Noah: ".....??"

This message is a reply to:
 Message 200 by fearandloathing, posted 06-08-2011 11:53 AM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 202 of 553 (619201)
06-09-2011 4:47 AM


3 Old ladies talk about how forgetful they have become.
The first says sometimes i go to the fridge and i forget why i went there.
The second says thats nothing sometimes i find myself outside my house and i forget was i going some where or coming back.
The third says i luckily dont have such problems *she knocks on wood* After that she replies: who is it?

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 203 of 553 (619437)
06-09-2011 7:04 PM


A Gorenc
Edited by frako, : No reason given.

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 204 of 553 (619562)
06-10-2011 12:26 PM


V I P
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mpg, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO IN THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 205 of 553 (619566)
06-10-2011 12:42 PM


Shower prank
For those of you in college maybe....
Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given.

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 206 of 553 (619609)
06-10-2011 3:29 PM


Zombie, or...

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Shield
Member (Idle past 2862 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


Message 207 of 553 (619628)
06-10-2011 5:10 PM



Replies to this message:
 Message 217 by hooah212002, posted 06-12-2011 4:46 PM Shield has not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 208 of 553 (619713)
06-11-2011 1:58 PM


More funny laws:
California
Belvedere
City Council order reads: No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.
A very common law but the wording isn't common
25-13-105 - Unlawful acts.
(1) Except as otherwise provided in this article, it is
unlawful for any person:
(d) To willfully mar, mutilate, deface, disfigure, or
injure beyond normal use any rocks, trees, shrubbery, wild
flowers, or other features of the natural environment in
recreation areas of the state;
Dont go mutilating rocks in Colorado State park folks
� 81-3. License required; number restricted.
A. No person shall have in any place within a permanent structure open to the general public or occupied by any club or association any mechanical amusement device without first having obtained a license therefor.
B. Notwithstanding the provisions of Subsection A, no person shall have in any place within a permanent structure open to the general public more than four mechanical amusement devices.
Arcades in Rocky Hill must really be boring only 4 machines allowed.
Southington
In the mid 1990s, a group of children ran up to a police officer and sprayed him with silly string during the Apple Harvest Festival. To prevent such acts from happening again, the ban was passed on the sale of the product.
Silly string is banned poor kids they cant have any fun
The Texas Constitution
Article 1 - BILL OF RIGHTS
Section 4 - RELIGIOUS TESTS
No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being.
They really dont like Atheists in Texas
CHAPTER 43. PUBLIC INDECENCY
SUBCHAPTER B. OBSCENITY
Too long to post basically talks about obscenity and prohibits the ownership of 6 or more dildos or artificial vagina's. Texas where else
Sec. 6-20. Miscellaneous provisions.
(e) Conduct at special events. Offensive language, gestures, reckless driving or unruly conduct will not be tolerated at an event. Applicants are responsible for the actions of all spectators, visitors, guests, participants, or invitees to a special event.
If there is an event you cant give anyone the finger. Galveston
39-3-101 Definitions.
In this part, and in every law relating to or affecting animals, the words animal or dumb animal shall be held to include every living creature;
LOL Tennessee
8-105 Prohibited conduct or activities by beer permit holders
It shall be unlawful for any beer permit holder to:
(1) Allow any loud, unusual, or obnoxious noises to emanate from his premises.
Kimball, LOL what do they expect to have meditation meetings at the local pub.
8.2-361. Crimes against nature.
A. If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute
animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the
anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to
such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class
6 felony, except as provided in subsection B.
No oral sex in Virginia, the classes of the felony go to class 3 felony if grandparents have oral or anal sex with their grandson/daughter who is at the age of 13 to less then 18 years old.
Must have been happening allot to have a special law about it

Replies to this message:
 Message 209 by fearandloathing, posted 06-11-2011 2:23 PM frako has not replied

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 209 of 553 (619716)
06-11-2011 2:23 PM
Reply to: Message 208 by frako
06-11-2011 1:58 PM


Stupid Laws from North Carolina
Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them. However, paying taxes on these items doesnot make them legal.
Organizations may not hold their meetings while the members present are in costume.
No one may be a professional fortune-teller, and if one wishes to pursue the practice as an amateur,
it must be practiced in a school or church.
It's against the law to sing off key.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married
then, according to state law, they are legally married.
All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two
feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.
A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.
Public use of white canes by other than blind persons prohibited.
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. (Barber)
It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. (Chapel Hill)
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. (Charlotte)
It is illegal to drive cars through city cemeteries for pleasure. (Dunn)
No one may visit their departed loved ones late at night. (Dunn)
It is illegal to throw rocks at a city street. (Dunn)
No person shall spit on a city street. (Dunn)
You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will
have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town. (Forest City)
Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from
the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street. (Greensboro)
You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. (Kill Devil Hills)
It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog. (Rocky Mount)
It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway. (Southern Shores)
It is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college. (Winston-Salem)
It is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark. (Zebulon)

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 208 by frako, posted 06-11-2011 1:58 PM frako has not replied

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 210 of 553 (619718)
06-11-2011 2:29 PM


Pay your taxes
All illegal substances are taxable if you’re in possession of them.
105-113.107. Excise tax on unauthorized substances.
(a)Controlled Substances. — An excise tax is levied on controlled substances possessed, either actually or constructively, by dealers at the following rates:
(1) At the rate of forty cents (40) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of harvested marijuana stems and stalks that have been separated from and are not mixed with any other parts of the marijuana plant.
(1a) At the rate of three dollars and fifty cents ($3.50) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of marijuana, other than separated stems and stalks taxed under subdivision (1) of this section.
(1b) At the rate of fifty dollars ($50.00) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of cocaine.
(2) At the rate of two hundred dollars ($200.00) for each gram, or fraction thereof, of any other controlled substance that is sold by weight.
(2a) At the rate of fifty dollars ($50.00) for each 10 dosage units, or fraction thereof, of any low- street-value drug that is not sold by weight.
(3) At the rate of two hundred dollars ($200.00) for each 10 dosage units, or fraction thereof, of any other controlled substance that is not sold by weight.
(a1) Weight. — A quantity of marijuana or other controlled substance is measured by the weight of the substance whether pure or impure or dilute, or by dosage units when the substance is not sold by weight, in the dealer’s possession. A quantity of a controlled substance is dilute if it consists of a detectable quantity of pure controlled substance and any excipients or fillers.
(b) Illicit Spirituous Liquor. — An excise tax is levied on illicit spirituous liquor possessed by a dealer at the following rates:
(1) At the rate of thirty-one dollars and seventy cents ($31.70) for each gallon, or fraction thereof, of illicit spirituous liquor sold by the drink.
(2) At the rate of twelve dollars and eighty cents ($12.80) for each gallon, or fraction thereof, of illicit spirituous liquor not sold by the drink.
(c) Mash. — An excise tax is levied on mash possessed by a dealer at the rate of one dollar and twenty-eight cents ($1.28) for each gallon or fraction thereof.
(d) Illicit Mixed Beverages. — A tax is levied on illicit mixed beverages sold by a dealer at the rate of twenty dollars ($20.00) on each four liters and a proportional sum on lesser quantities.
(1989, c. 772, s. 1; 1995, c. 340, s. 1; 1997-292, s. 1; 1998-218, s. 1.)

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Replies to this message:
 Message 211 by frako, posted 06-11-2011 2:50 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied
 Message 212 by frako, posted 06-11-2011 3:20 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

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