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Author Topic:   Humour VI
frako
Member (Idle past 306 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 211 of 553 (619719)
06-11-2011 2:50 PM
Reply to: Message 210 by fearandloathing
06-11-2011 2:29 PM


Re: Pay your taxes
16-12-100.1.
(6) 'Sadomasochistic abuse' means flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or clad in undergarments or in revealing or bizarre costume or the condition of being fettered, bound, or otherwise physically restrained on the part of one so clothed.
Georgia.
Dont go around handcuffing clowns.
The value of Pi is 3.
*Not an actual law*
Was proposed in the 1897 session of the Indiana General Assembly. Engrossed Bill No. 246. The bill was passed in the house of representatives, but it was indefinately postponed in the Senate. That status remains today.
LOL someone hat math trouble.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 210 by fearandloathing, posted 06-11-2011 2:29 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 306 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 212 of 553 (619721)
06-11-2011 3:20 PM
Reply to: Message 210 by fearandloathing
06-11-2011 2:29 PM


Re: Pay your taxes
fearandloathing
Only 2 things in life are cretin
Death
And
Taxes

This message is a reply to:
 Message 210 by fearandloathing, posted 06-11-2011 2:29 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 306 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 213 of 553 (619774)
06-12-2011 8:38 AM


Some funny warnings
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Rowenta Iron
The following is found on page 4 of the instruction book:
To place or answer a call, lift the handset.
To place a call, dial the desired number.
To end the call, hang up the handset.
To put a call on Hold: Press Hold.
Lucent Technologies Model 6210 Telephone
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Child-Sized Superman Costume
Suitable for vegetarians.
Sainsburys Mineral Water
Bottle exclusively designed for the use of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Do not refill.
Volvic Natural Mineral Water
Warning: Remove label before placing in microwave.
Moet White Star Champagne
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
American Airlines Peanuts
Warning: This product contains nuts.
Sainsbury Peanuts
Ingredient: Sugar
Domino Pire Cane Granulated Sugar
Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains Saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals.
Carefree Gum
This formula may cause drowsiness, if affected do not operate heavy machinery or drive a vehicle.
Demazin Infant Drops
Do not drive a car or run machinery.
Boot’s Childrens Cough Medicine
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Zantac 75
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Komatsu Floodlight
Not Dishwasher Safe
RCA Television Remote Control
To prevent possible injury, do not apply the hose or the lid sealer to any part of the body while vacuum pump is in operation.
Foodsealer (Vacuum seals foods)
Warning to tourists: don’t laugh at the natives.
Highway 26, Idaho Falls, Idaho
WARNING: This bag is not a toy.
McDonald’s Power Rangers Toy
Some assembly required.
500-piece puzzle
Warning: Do not attempt to remove blade while lawnmower is running or plugged into an outlet.
Craftsman Push Mower
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Jonsreds Chainsaw

Shield
Member (Idle past 2863 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


Message 214 of 553 (619804)
06-12-2011 2:04 PM



frako
Member (Idle past 306 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 215 of 553 (619818)
06-12-2011 3:14 PM


Add Fails

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 216 of 553 (619830)
06-12-2011 3:50 PM


The Woodpecker Might Have to Go

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

hooah212002
Member (Idle past 802 days)
Posts: 3193
Joined: 08-12-2009


Message 217 of 553 (619842)
06-12-2011 4:46 PM
Reply to: Message 207 by Shield
06-10-2011 5:10 PM


S.E. Cupp on a rage comic? Ready yer harpoons!

"Why don't you call upon your God to strike me? Oh, I forgot it's because he's fake like Thor, so bite me" -Greydon Square

This message is a reply to:
 Message 207 by Shield, posted 06-10-2011 5:10 PM Shield has not replied

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 218 of 553 (619852)
06-12-2011 5:51 PM


Pay Attention

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Taz
Member (Idle past 3292 days)
Posts: 5069
From: Zerus
Joined: 07-18-2006


Message 219 of 553 (619864)
06-12-2011 8:04 PM


Dramatic Reading Of Weiner's Messages - Bill Maher & Jane Lynch
Dramatic Reading Of Weiner's Messages - Bill Maher & Jane Lynch

frako
Member (Idle past 306 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 220 of 553 (619919)
06-13-2011 8:55 AM


Lol goto love futurama

hooah212002
Member (Idle past 802 days)
Posts: 3193
Joined: 08-12-2009


Message 221 of 553 (619930)
06-13-2011 10:39 AM



"Why don't you call upon your God to strike me? Oh, I forgot it's because he's fake like Thor, so bite me" -Greydon Square

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 222 of 553 (619936)
06-13-2011 11:10 AM


Jesus Stick
quote:
Overview
A "Jesus stick" can be any blunt instrument capable of inflicting severe head trauma. They are mostly used to aid in convincing non-believers to accept Jesus as their savior. They are also occasionally used for general ass beating, killing small animals, and bondage play.
History
Contrary to popular belief, the Jesus stick is not named after Jesus Christ, but rather Jesus Christ is named after the Jesus stick. The stick's name actually comes from Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd, a legendary Aztec warrior renowned for his ass-beating skills. Emanuel never killed his challengers; instead, he would leave them with severe brain damage and convince them to do his bidding, which usually involved creating giant piles of rocks for no particular reason. When Emanuel passed away at the age of 364, he left his stick to his first-born son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd, whom he named after his father. Emanuel the 2nd carried the stick for several years, but after a rather unsettling encounter with six midgets and a Guatemalan hooker, he vowed never to use the stick again. Witnesses overheard him call it "a worthless god-damned Jesus stick" as he tossed it aside, thus coining the term.
Afterwards, the original Jesus stick passed out of history, but the practice of beating ass with Jesus sticks lived on. Some six million years later, a Middle Eastern kid by the name of Josh Carpenter took a trip to Columbia to get some blow. While he was there, he got into an argument with a drug lord by the name of Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzales the Nth and was beaten with a Jesus stick to within an inch of his life. When he emerged from a three year coma, he returned to the Columbian drug cartel and asked to be trained in the ancient art of Jesus stick ass beating. The drug lord Emanuel, who was so impressed that Josh still had an IQ above 17, offered to train him personally. After several long, grueling minutes, his training was complete, and Josh Carpenter took on the name Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ (often abbreviated as simply Jesus H. Christ.) Emanuel then fashioned for him a Jesus stick the likes of which had never been seen, and bid him farewell in the manner of his people: "Pinche gringo culero ve a chingar a tu reputisima madre!"
Upon returning to Middle Earth, he swiftly began beating ass at random with his Jesus stick. Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ and his escapades have been described in over 8 trillion different, conflicting documents worldwide, which invariably makes the study of this subject quite difficult.
Technique
Jesus sticks are usually inscribed with cryptic messages which can be used to confuse and distract the person to be saved. Once distracted, there are two ways to save your target. The first involves significant damage to the cranium, and the second involves sodomy. These are referred to as the "top-down" and "bottom-up" approaches (respectively.) The proper "top-down" technique was first discussed in Stone Cold Steve Austin's biography, "How to Kick Ass and Convert Sinners":
Well, first, you swing really hard at the back of the head. If that don't take 'em down you might have to hit 'em agian. When you see blood coming out of their ears, that's when you know it's workin'.
~ Stone Cold Steve Austin on Jesus sticks
The bottom-up technique has never been fully documented, primarily because it is much messier and less desirable than the top-down technique. It has, however, shown much promise. Famed actor Andy Dick was supposedly saved by this technique when he ran into a homeless missionary in a back alley in New York. In fact, New York seems to be experiencing an upsurge in the bottom-up technique; despite the allegations, it now appears that Ashley Dupre was using Eliot Spitzer's own Jesus stick to try and save him with this method.
It is important to note that some groups may not respond to one, or either, of the techniques. For example, it has been demonstrated that the Irish (or anyone with a consistent BAC of 0.5% or greater) are resistant to the top-down approach. Homosexuals have been known to seek out Jesus stick holders and ask for the "bottom-up." Do not be fooled; if this happens to you, begin the top-down treatment immediately. Also, neither method will work on politicians, Muslims, blond women, midgets, or Guatemalan hookers.
Edit Controversy sectionEdit Controversy
The use of Jesus sticks has led to some controversy, but because the victim almost always accepts Jesus once the brain or rectal hemorrhaging stops, arguments against the practice are usually dismissed as anti-Christian. It has been said that almost every overseas missionary carries their own Jesus stick, in the very likely event that they are not immediately accepted by their target group. Widespread use of Jesus sticks has resulted in thousands of conversions worldwide.
This ancient rendering is thought to be Jesus' own Jesus stick. It could also possibly be an ancient sex toy.
Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given.

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 223 of 553 (619952)
06-13-2011 1:26 PM


One Nation Under God

"I hate to advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

rueh
Member (Idle past 3662 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 224 of 553 (620340)
06-15-2011 3:57 PM


God and Adam
God
said, "Adam, I
want you to do
something for
Me."
Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"
God
said, "Go down
into that valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."
Adam said, "What's a
river?"
God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."
Adam said, "What is a
hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the
other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'
After God explained,
He said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a
woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you to
reproduce."
Adam said, "How do
I do that?"
God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."
And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,
across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.
Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"
And Adam said....
What's a headache?

'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX

rueh
Member (Idle past 3662 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


(1)
Message 225 of 553 (620341)
06-15-2011 4:00 PM


A real woman
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry. I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit . . . Never mind.

'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX

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