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Author Topic:   Humour VI
fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4145 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


Message 256 of 553 (622824)
07-06-2011 4:25 PM


Post July 4th report
Emergency room bill = $1200.00
Stomach pumped, misc. burns/abrasions
On the plus side...all fingers intact...3rd degree burns on hands and forearms only...most of the hair on my head is still intact, eyebrows and mustache suffered worst damage...no police charges, they were too busy laughing as I rode away in the ambulance.
AMERICA... FUCK YEA....LAND OF THE FREE

"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten."
Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Replies to this message:
 Message 257 by New Cat's Eye, posted 07-06-2011 5:07 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied
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New Cat's Eye
Inactive Member


Message 257 of 553 (622835)
07-06-2011 5:07 PM
Reply to: Message 256 by fearandloathing
07-06-2011 4:25 PM


Re: Post July 4th report
They got you on video:
Can't tell if embedding is working, here's a link:
Bottle Rocket Lands In Pocket - Video | eBaum's World
Edited by Catholic Scientist, : No reason given.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 256 by fearandloathing, posted 07-06-2011 4:25 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 258 of 553 (622836)
07-06-2011 5:08 PM
Reply to: Message 256 by fearandloathing
07-06-2011 4:25 PM


Re: Post July 4th report
Haha you should have done what my friend has done he ran out of the hospital after waking up he had no id on him so no bill was sent, though i think the first stomach pumping because of alcohol abuse is free in my country.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 256 by fearandloathing, posted 07-06-2011 4:25 PM fearandloathing has seen this message but not replied

bluegenes
Member (Idle past 2477 days)
Posts: 3119
From: U.K.
Joined: 01-24-2007


Message 259 of 553 (623384)
07-09-2011 9:28 PM


Kids' exam answers
Children's Answers to Science Exam Questions
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
http://www.funny-haha.co.uk/Joke.asp?J=391
History + Bible
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, Am I my brother’s son?
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus.
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah.
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand.. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
33 Funny ExamAnswers - Listverse

Replies to this message:
 Message 260 by frako, posted 07-09-2011 9:59 PM bluegenes has not replied
 Message 261 by bluescat48, posted 07-09-2011 11:13 PM bluegenes has not replied
 Message 263 by New Cat's Eye, posted 07-11-2011 4:48 PM bluegenes has not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 260 of 553 (623387)
07-09-2011 9:59 PM
Reply to: Message 259 by bluegenes
07-09-2011 9:28 PM


Re: Kids' exam answers
Hahahaha its 4 in the morning and im laughing my ass off, had to stop reading before i wake everybody up.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 259 by bluegenes, posted 07-09-2011 9:28 PM bluegenes has not replied

bluescat48
Member (Idle past 4189 days)
Posts: 2347
From: United States
Joined: 10-06-2007


Message 261 of 553 (623390)
07-09-2011 11:13 PM
Reply to: Message 259 by bluegenes
07-09-2011 9:28 PM


Re: Kids' exam answers
What is weird, a lot of adults would answer many of these questions the same way.

There is no better love between 2 people than mutual respect for each other WT Young, 2002
Who gave anyone the authority to call me an authority on anything. WT Young, 1969
Since Evolution is only ~90% correct it should be thrown out and replaced by Creation which has even a lower % of correctness. W T Young, 2008

This message is a reply to:
 Message 259 by bluegenes, posted 07-09-2011 9:28 PM bluegenes has not replied

bluegenes
Member (Idle past 2477 days)
Posts: 3119
From: U.K.
Joined: 01-24-2007


Message 262 of 553 (623426)
07-10-2011 10:10 AM


Remember this?*
*I put this up a couple of years ago, but saw it again today and thought it worth a rerun.

New Cat's Eye
Inactive Member


Message 263 of 553 (623577)
07-11-2011 4:48 PM
Reply to: Message 259 by bluegenes
07-09-2011 9:28 PM


Re: Kids' exam answers
Reminds me of the old "a frickin' elephant" joke that's been on the web...
quote:
Five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "

This message is a reply to:
 Message 259 by bluegenes, posted 07-09-2011 9:28 PM bluegenes has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 264 by AZPaul3, posted 07-11-2011 7:51 PM New Cat's Eye has not replied

AZPaul3
Member
Posts: 8513
From: Phoenix
Joined: 11-06-2006
Member Rating: 5.3


Message 264 of 553 (623597)
07-11-2011 7:51 PM
Reply to: Message 263 by New Cat's Eye
07-11-2011 4:48 PM


Re: Kids' exam answers
No! No! No! That just is not right!
Gotta love it. Thanks CS.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 263 by New Cat's Eye, posted 07-11-2011 4:48 PM New Cat's Eye has not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 265 of 553 (623658)
07-12-2011 11:13 AM


hahahahahaha
Even though we speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and English-English:
They say "sidewalk"
We say "pavement"
They say "pants"
We say "trousers"
They say "buried at sea"
We say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his private parts, whilst being beaten for answers!"

Replies to this message:
 Message 266 by frako, posted 07-12-2011 2:05 PM frako has replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


(1)
Message 266 of 553 (623680)
07-12-2011 2:05 PM
Reply to: Message 265 by frako
07-12-2011 11:13 AM


[QS]God questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, [S]He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Told Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Allah
__ Krishna
__ Buddha
__ Father, Son, & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Brahma, Vishnu, & Siva [Trimurti Pak]
__ Mawu/Olorun & Obatala [Vodun Loa Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Needed focus in whom to love
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Wanted to please parents
__ Needed a day away from school or work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
__ Sh_t was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Amon Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Force
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Elvis
__ A burning shrub
__ Psychiatry
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Marijuana
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ Amway
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None
7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know.
e. What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny town & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)[/QS]

This message is a reply to:
 Message 265 by frako, posted 07-12-2011 11:13 AM frako has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 267 by frako, posted 07-13-2011 5:32 AM frako has not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


(1)
Message 267 of 553 (623751)
07-13-2011 5:32 AM
Reply to: Message 266 by frako
07-12-2011 2:05 PM


49 Actual Newspaper Headlines
collected by journalists...
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
10. Eye Drops off Shelf
11. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
12. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
13. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
14. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
21. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
22. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
23. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
24. War Dims Hope for Peace
25. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
26. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Deer Kill 17,000
30. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
31. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
32. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
33. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
34. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
35. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
36. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
37. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
38. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
39. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
40. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
41. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
42. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
43. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
44. Air Head Fired
45. Steals Clock, Faces Time
46. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
47. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
48. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
49. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

This message is a reply to:
 Message 266 by frako, posted 07-12-2011 2:05 PM frako has not replied

bluegenes
Member (Idle past 2477 days)
Posts: 3119
From: U.K.
Joined: 01-24-2007


Message 268 of 553 (623868)
07-14-2011 5:15 AM


Pastafarian rights.
A Pastafarian finally gains a religious "right" in Austria.
Austrian driver allowed 'pastafarian' headgear photo - BBC News

Shield
Member (Idle past 2862 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


Message 269 of 553 (623944)
07-14-2011 4:13 PM



RAZD
Member (Idle past 1405 days)
Posts: 20714
From: the other end of the sidewalk
Joined: 03-14-2004


Message 270 of 553 (624099)
07-15-2011 11:20 PM


one of the problems with inductive thinking . . . ?
xkcd: Cell Phones
LOL.
Enjoy.

we are limited in our ability to understand
by our ability to understand
Rebel American Zen Deist
... to learn ... to think ... to live ... to laugh ...
to share.


Join the effort to solve medical problems, AIDS/HIV, Cancer and more with Team EvC! (click)

Replies to this message:
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