Humour VI

In Honor of Alan Sues, who just passed away

And the Barman says "ain't I seen you already?"A neutrino walks into a bar.Courtesy of Arthur Smith BBC 4Extra.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, I think I’ve lost an electron.
The other says, Are you sure?
The first replies, Yes, I’m positive(a variation: A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, For you? No charge.)Can't remember where i got those from, but its saved in my jokes textfile.

Well I suppose if you insist:Last week in the sleepy little west Texas town of Gentry, just northwest of Amarillo, a cowboy walked into town wearing nothing but his hat and his boots. This created a bit of a stir since there was a Christian Youth Association group comprised mostly of 12 to 14 year-old girls going shop to shop distributing Abstinence pamphlets, but this has nothing to do with what happened next so we'll just ignore that.The Sheriff approached the cowboy and, after looking him up and down drawled out a Tsk, tsk. Not in my town, and led the cowboy off to jail. After the usual writing of the reports and the paperwork, the mug shots, neck up only, the Sheriff sat the cowboy down in the Talkin' Room and said, OK, Leroy. That was the cowboy's name and the Sheriff deemed it appropriate to call him that.OK, Leroy. Go and explain for me what's going on here. Why you come into my town dressed eh not dressed the way you was? Sheriff had given Leroy one of them black and white striped jail-house jump suits so he wasn't so offensive now, but this has nothing to do with what happened next either so we'll just ignore that, too.Well, said Leroy knowing the Sheriff was talking to him since he called him by his name, was looking right at him and there wasn't anyone else in the room.Well, I was at Crystal's Saloon few hours ago and met me a cute little filly named Betsy. We had a few and talked awhile then she asked me to take her home. When we got into her house she took off her shirt and said,'OK, Cowboy. Take off your shirt.' So I did.Then she took off her pants and said,'OK, Cowboy. Take off your pants.' So I did.Then she laid out on the couch and said,'OK, Cowboy. Go to town.' So here I am."Edited by AZPaul3, : No reason given.

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.You're not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a partyFive days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROLMoney isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for youReality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.Red meat is not bad for you;
fuzzy green meat is bad for you.Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.Alabama state motto:At least we're not MississippiARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the populationYou know why a banana is like a politician? He comes in and first he's green, then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten.I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors.The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
Is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

lol i think its funny

Louis Ck on evolution:The next big thing, keep an eye out for this guy, Hannibal Buress. Developing a show with Jonah Hill:OWS's own, Ted Alexandro:One of the best ever, Maria Bamfooooo (Bamford):- Oni

So I'm going somewhere with my wife I don't want to go, but I said I'd go.She says I don't have to go if I don't want to go.I say. I said I'd go, I'll go.We go. I'm bitching from the moment we get in the car.Finally, she slams on the brakes and screams, "Why are you acting like an asshole?!"I scream back, "I'M NOT ACTING!"We sat there and laughed for five minutes. Had a great night.

From an email;Hi Sweetheart,I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the golf course.Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.I'll be home later.Love you
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. Edited by AdminAsgara, : fixed img link issue

From deadspin

LOL that was funnier than when you try and make a point.