Humour VII

A cop in a police station answers the station phoneVoice on the phone: Is anyone there
Cop: Yea we are all here
Voice: Glad to hear that, you just stay there
Cop: Why?
Voice: otherwise i might loose my drivers licence

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age. We were the same size as kids.
I just don't get it.""Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?""Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc."Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?""Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.""Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?""Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!""Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar...
It was tense.

TRILOGY:
What hat do you wear to a sad funeral? Somberero.
To a happy funeral? Awesomebrero.
To 1st World War commemoration? The Sommebrero

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No idea.Q: What do you call a dead blind deer?
A: Still no idea.

Q. What do call a dinosaur with one eye?
A. A Doyouthinkhesaurus

what's blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff.

Did you hear the one about the blacksmith's dog?
He made a bolt for the door...

Q. What do you call a dinosaur with a fondness for vindaloo?
A. Megasorearse

I live in the land of "if it ends with a soft 'a' sound then add an 'r'", and it still took me a while.--Percy

Jonny was a good boy sitting at his classroom table and one day someone passed a note to him, the teacher saw johny had a note grabbed it opened it and yelled at poor old johnny telling him to go to the principle and show him the note, johnny arrived at the principles office the principle saw him and said johnny what are you doing here you are such a good boy, well johnny said i was sitting in the classroom minding my own business and someone passed me this note the teacher saw it then yelled ad me and sent me to you. Well the note cant be that bad said the principle let me see it the principle looks at the note starts yelling ad poor old johnny and tells him to go home and never come back. Jonny came home and his dad saw him he asked him what are you doing home so early? well johnny said i was sitting in the classroom minding my own business when someone passed me a note the teacher saw the note yelled me and sent me to the principle, the principle looked at the note and sent me home never to come back, the father laughed and said it cant be that bad let me see the note, johnny gave the note with a trembling hand to his father who immediately upon looking the note started yelling at him and telling him to go live with his mother on the other side of town. Johnny packed up his bags and left to his mothers house when he arrived his mother asked him Johnny what are you doing here you are supposed to live at your fathers house by court order. Well johnny said i was sitting in the class room minding my own business when someone passed me a note, the teacher saw i had a note and she had a look at it she yelled at me then sent me to the principles office who in turn yelled at me again and sent me home where my father asked me what i was doing home i explained about the note he looked at it and then yelled ad me and sent me to you. Well the mother said it cant be that bad let me see the note johnny. Johnny gave her the note she read it started yelling at him and told him to go fare away from her never to come back. Johnny left the house and realised that the bus could take him to his uncles house by the coast, when he arrived at the uncles house the uncle asked him Johnny what are you doing here without your parents?. well johnny said It started in the classroom where i minded my own business and someone passed me a note, the teacher saw i had i note and took a look at it she yelled at me and sent me to the principle who yelled me and sent me home to my father who asked what happened looked at the note yelled at me and sent me to my mother, who also wanted to know what happened looked at the note, and kicked me out, i then came here. Well the uncle said it cant be that bad let me see the note. The uncle saw the note started yelling and cursing and told johnny take my boat and go away i never want to see you again. So johnny took his boat and started sailing he became hungry so he started to fish, then he realised he never saw what was on the note. He decided to take a look he checked his pockets and found it while taking it out of his pocket the wind blew it away.

Wall of Text crits your for over 9000!

Years later, Johnny dies. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter looks him up in the Book of Life, "Johnny... Johnny... Johnny.... Ah.... There's a message for you," and he gives him the note.

Thing is its better when you tell it to someone and you have to make it interesting as hell, so the listener goes wtf at the end or what was in the damn note.Back to humourA cow was sitting in a tree, then the wind shifted.What do a car and a wheelbarrow have in common?
You cant spread either on a piece of toast.What if blue and flying around?
A fly smuggling jeansWhat is precision?
Shooting of a mosquitoes balls with a bb gun at 100 yards.What is speed?
Taking a dump of the Eiffel tower then running down fast enough to see your ass hole closing.Who is a true artist?
the one who manages to take a dump in the corner of a round room.What is rude?
A: pissing trough the mail slot then ringing and asking how fare it went.
B: taking a dump infront of the door then ringing and asking for toilet paper.
C: pushing your grandma down the stairs then yelling:" as long as your down there bring me a beer when you get back up"What is black?When you ride on a train cart, ith no windows, and you are in the middle of a tunnel at a cloudy night when there is no moon, and you put your sunglasses on and look at a black mans ass.