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Author Topic:   Humour VII
AZPaul3
Member
Posts: 8513
From: Phoenix
Joined: 11-06-2006
Member Rating: 5.3


Message 211 of 1042 (659389)
04-15-2012 6:49 PM


Slovenian Brunt
Two Slovenians walk into a bar. That’s what they get for wearing dark sunglasses indoors.
-------------------------------------
How do you get a Slovenian into a bathtub? Throw in a Euro.
How do you get him back out? Throw in a bar of soap.
-------------------------------------
A despondent Slovenian tried to commit suicide. He threw himself out his basement window.
-------------------------------------
A Slovenian farmer lost his entire orchard in the war. Now with a clear field he decided to go into chicken farming and ordered up 200 chickens from the Slovenian National Agricultural Extension Service.
In one day he was able to plow his field and plant half his chickens. At the end of the day he stood looking out over his field with pride as a hundred chicken heads clucked and twisted sticking out of the ground.
The following morning the farmer was shocked to see that all his newly planted chickens were silent with their little necks slunk over dead.
Thinking he had maybe planted them wrong side down he plowed over the field and planted his last 100 chickens heads-down. At the end of the day he stood looking out over his field with pride as 200 little chicken legs squirmed and twisted sticking out of the ground.
The following morning the farmer was shocked to see that all his newly planted chickens were not moving with their little legs slunk over dead.
He called the Extension Service explaining how he planted the first batch heads-up only to have them all die, then planted the second batch heads-down only to have them also die.
After a long pause on the other end of the phone the Extension Agent finally said,
You’d better send me a soil sample.
----------------------------------
And finally
Did you hear about the Slovenian who got so mad he threw himself to the ground?
He missed.

Replies to this message:
 Message 212 by frako, posted 04-15-2012 6:55 PM AZPaul3 has replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 212 of 1042 (659391)
04-15-2012 6:55 PM
Reply to: Message 211 by AZPaul3
04-15-2012 6:49 PM


Re: Slovenian Brunt
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
And this one is so true it makes me weep
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Ok one about how small Slovenia is or how dumb Americans are
Slovenians decide that enough is enough so we send our 2 planes to bomb new York, gathering the 20 soldiers we have and wait for a counter-attack, the planes come back from the suicide mission explaining how new York is now burning, a weak passed and still no counter attack so the president sends a another wave to attack Washington, the planes come back and report that Washington awaiting a counter attack in the trenches for another weak and nothing happens so they send a third wave on Chicago the planes come back reporting Chicago in ruins and still no counter attack from the Americans, so the president decides to call you president. He asks what the hell is wrong with you are you going to let us bomb the hell out of you and not retaliate.
The American president answers:
A) mark my words when we find your country itl turn to glass
B) How can anyone in Slovakia still be alive?
Edited by frako, : No reason given.

Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand
Click if you dare!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 211 by AZPaul3, posted 04-15-2012 6:49 PM AZPaul3 has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 213 by AZPaul3, posted 04-15-2012 7:32 PM frako has replied

AZPaul3
Member
Posts: 8513
From: Phoenix
Joined: 11-06-2006
Member Rating: 5.3


Message 213 of 1042 (659396)
04-15-2012 7:32 PM
Reply to: Message 212 by frako
04-15-2012 6:55 PM


Is that the "Withdrawal" key?
#10 sounds hilarious but has a very ligitimate reason.
A blind person using an ATM is an easy volnerable target. So the American Foundation for the Blind made impassioned pleas to both Diebold, Inc (the major maker of ATMs in the US) and NYCE (New York Cash Exchange: Largest ATM network) to put braille keys on dirve-up units.
They were advising their members to hire a cab or have a friend drive them to the ATM, sit in the back seat behind the driver and use the ATM through the car window.
Just an FYI.
As for #8: Now that hot dog packages are coming in 8s to go with the buns, Hebrew National is packaging their hot dogs in 7s.
What can you do.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 212 by frako, posted 04-15-2012 6:55 PM frako has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 215 by frako, posted 04-16-2012 3:19 AM AZPaul3 has seen this message but not replied

Percy
Member
Posts: 22391
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 5.2


Message 214 of 1042 (659409)
04-15-2012 8:10 PM
Reply to: Message 210 by Coragyps
04-15-2012 6:26 PM


New Hampshire - that's a county in Pennsylvania, isn't it?
--Percy

This message is a reply to:
 Message 210 by Coragyps, posted 04-15-2012 6:26 PM Coragyps has not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 215 of 1042 (659456)
04-16-2012 3:19 AM
Reply to: Message 213 by AZPaul3
04-15-2012 7:32 PM


Re: Is that the "Withdrawal" key?
#10 sounds hilarious but has a very ligitimate reason.
A blind person using an ATM is an easy volnerable target. So the American Foundation for the Blind made impassioned pleas to both Diebold, Inc (the major maker of ATMs in the US) and NYCE (New York Cash Exchange: Largest ATM network) to put braille keys on dirve-up units.
They were advising their members to hire a cab or have a friend drive them to the ATM, sit in the back seat behind the driver and use the ATM through the car window.
Hehe i think the Germans have a better one, the law for the traffic sign you cant stop or park here has an exemption, People exempt paying a fine are those who for legitimate reasons could not see the sign such as a blind person.

Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand
Click if you dare!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 213 by AZPaul3, posted 04-15-2012 7:32 PM AZPaul3 has seen this message but not replied

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 216 of 1042 (659590)
04-17-2012 6:40 AM


Hehe Dawkins hate mail lol
Edited by frako, : No reason given.
Edited by frako, : No reason given.

Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand
Click if you dare!

Shield
Member (Idle past 2862 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


Message 217 of 1042 (659665)
04-17-2012 10:24 PM



Shield
Member (Idle past 2862 days)
Posts: 482
Joined: 01-29-2008


(1)
Message 218 of 1042 (659666)
04-17-2012 10:31 PM


Oh weed..

frako
Member (Idle past 305 days)
Posts: 2932
From: slovenija
Joined: 09-04-2010


Message 219 of 1042 (659696)
04-18-2012 7:14 AM


2 planets meet one says whats wrong with you? You look sick.
Oh i have homo sapience. Dont worry i had that too once itl pass quickly.

Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand
Click if you dare!

Tangle
Member
Posts: 9489
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 4.9


Message 220 of 1042 (660015)
04-20-2012 11:19 AM



Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

fearandloathing
Member (Idle past 4144 days)
Posts: 990
From: Burlington, NC, USA
Joined: 02-24-2011


(1)
Message 221 of 1042 (660089)
04-20-2012 8:30 PM


The truth about the end of the world...

"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten."
Hunter S. Thompson
Ad astra per aspera
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Minnemooseus
Member
Posts: 3941
From: Duluth, Minnesota, U.S. (West end of Lake Superior)
Joined: 11-11-2001
Member Rating: 10.0


Message 222 of 1042 (660293)
04-23-2012 8:51 PM


Simpsons snark on Fox News / MN GOP can't pay the rent
quote:
Spotted at the end of Sunday's "Simpsons" broadcast:

Source (via DailyKos)
Also:
quote:
The Minnesota Republican Party’s financial woes continue with the filing last week of eviction papers that could oust the party from its headquarters in a St. Paul building.
Much more at Source
Moose

Professor, geology, Whatsamatta U
Evolution - Changes in the environment, caused by the interactions of the components of the environment.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness." - John Kenneth Galbraith
"Yesterday on Fox News, commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. To be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." - Conan O'Brien
"I know a little about a lot of things, and a lot about a few things, but I'm highly ignorant about everything." - Moose

rueh
Member (Idle past 3661 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


(3)
Message 223 of 1042 (660306)
04-24-2012 8:43 AM


Smart Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
It takes all kinds to make a mess- Benjamin Hoff

rueh
Member (Idle past 3661 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


(2)
Message 224 of 1042 (660415)
04-25-2012 1:00 PM


British Al Qaeda
Al Qaeda to go on strike!!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after this death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a
chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Representatives for the union in, Essex, Glasgow, Bilston and also in Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has largely been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
It takes all kinds to make a mess- Benjamin Hoff

Replies to this message:
 Message 225 by Modulous, posted 04-25-2012 1:38 PM rueh has not replied
 Message 227 by New Cat's Eye, posted 04-25-2012 3:05 PM rueh has not replied

Modulous
Member
Posts: 7801
From: Manchester, UK
Joined: 05-01-2005


(3)
Message 225 of 1042 (660421)
04-25-2012 1:38 PM
Reply to: Message 224 by rueh
04-25-2012 1:00 PM


Re: British Al Qaeda

This message is a reply to:
 Message 224 by rueh, posted 04-25-2012 1:00 PM rueh has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 226 by onifre, posted 04-25-2012 2:57 PM Modulous has seen this message but not replied
 Message 230 by Trixie, posted 04-25-2012 5:09 PM Modulous has seen this message but not replied

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