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Author Topic:   Let's Analyze Me
Mission for Truth
Inactive Member


Message 1 of 28 (221381)
07-02-2005 7:28 PM


For starters, let me say that I'm actually a decent person, a thoughtful and playful male and I get along great with people. The problem? I'm weird in social groups, I don't ever know what to say or how to contribute to conversation, but (lets say) all the sudden we got attacked by a mob of hicks with pitchforks, I would be in the action and all for it.... So why can't I be normal in a group of people standing around making jokes and screwing around? What is preventing me from conversing with the people I like to hang around? (I didn't mean for that to rhyme :P)

Now, before you offer your insight just get in mind that I'm basically like the typical capricorn (I'm using astrology for analogy sake) and if I was in a party (like that commercial) I would be the one standing with my drink, in appropriate conservative clothing sipping on my rum and coke while talking to a hot girl I'd love to take home (and she wants the same, but is wating for me to say the right thing so she can say her thing and then we can go home together) but for some stupid reason I can't bear to do the expected boring thing and lower myself to needless convention, consequently, I go home alone. But what do I do??


Replies to this message:
 Message 2 by lfen, posted 07-02-2005 7:57 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded
 Message 4 by crashfrog, posted 07-02-2005 8:17 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded
 Message 5 by RAZD, posted 07-02-2005 8:52 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded
 Message 6 by JustinC, posted 07-03-2005 1:13 AM Mission for Truth has not yet responded
 Message 26 by mick, posted 07-17-2005 6:45 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

  
lfen
Member (Idle past 2750 days)
Posts: 2189
From: Oregon
Joined: 06-24-2004


Message 2 of 28 (221387)
07-02-2005 7:57 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Mission for Truth
07-02-2005 7:28 PM


for some stupid reason I can't bear to do the expected boring thing and lower myself to needless convention, consequently, I go home alone. But what do I do??

Um, you just said it, you go home alone. I'm not clear. Are you wanting advice on how to change your social interactions or relationships? There are some good self help books out there on that. Anything by Albert Ellis Ph.D. would be helpful. Are you sure you don't prefer going home alone? Maybe that is what you want.

lfen


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Mission for Truth, posted 07-02-2005 7:28 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

  
Mr. Ex Nihilo
Member (Idle past 4621 days)
Posts: 708
Joined: 04-12-2005


Message 3 of 28 (221390)
07-02-2005 8:04 PM


Asperger's?
http://users.wpi.edu/~trek/aspergers.html
    
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 4 of 28 (221391)
07-02-2005 8:17 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Mission for Truth
07-02-2005 7:28 PM


Be Here Now
I would be the one standing with my drink, in appropriate conservative clothing sipping on my rum and coke while talking to a hot girl I'd love to take home (and she wants the same, but is wating for me to say the right thing so she can say her thing and then we can go home together) but for some stupid reason I can't bear to do the expected boring thing and lower myself to needless convention, consequently, I go home alone.

Let me share with you something that it took me a long, long time to learn.

Women aren't voice-activated robots. Seriously. There's no magic sequence of syllables that's going to invoke a relationship with one. If the women aren't going home with you, it's not because you're not saying the magic words. It's because, probably, you're not asking them to go home with you.

I mean, seriously. What makes you think the hot girl opposite you is all that interested in meaningless chit-chat, to begin with? What would make you think that women are turned on by meaningless, empty conversation?

Stop trying to figure out how to play the role that you think will get you laid, and start trying to connect with people. Ask questions about them and be interested in the answer. If the person you're talking to isn't interesting, then go talk to somebody else. This applies to men and women, in fact. If you're going home alone it's because you're too removed from the situation. You need to engage - and be engaged by - people. Not study them at a remove.

I used to think of people as secondary characters in a story starring me. Wisdom came to me when I realized that everyone is the main character in their own life story. My awkwardness in social situations declined as a result.

What is preventing me from conversing with the people I like to hang around?

You.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Mission for Truth, posted 07-02-2005 7:28 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 7 by robinrohan, posted 07-03-2005 9:17 AM crashfrog has responded

  
RAZD
Member
Posts: 19754
From: the other end of the sidewalk
Joined: 03-14-2004
Member Rating: 6.3


Message 5 of 28 (221393)
07-02-2005 8:52 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Mission for Truth
07-02-2005 7:28 PM


Um, first off I wouldn't make a clinical diagnosis based on a couple of paragraphs, but if all the symptoms do apply it is worth checking out.

Let's look at a couple of other factors

Shyness is often a barrier to initiating talk, especially in unfamiliar situations with whole groups of unfamiliar people

And to throw a sexist flag in the ring, it seems that women are different than girls, while boys are boys.

Obviously you are not shy about interacting here on the board, you are safe here, right? Likewise among your friends and cohorts at school, but are you an information volunteer in class or do you hold back waiting for someone else?

Self-confidence is another factor, especially when dealing with situations where you are on unfamiliar territory

Again, this is not a factor in familiar situations, because in those you have confidence based on your own history. Extrapolating that to situations where you have no personal history is not always easy.

Having a common interest is what gives you something to talk about, but you won't know that until you start talking eh? Vicious circle thing that, but this is what "chit-chat" is designed to discover. Talking about inane weather, movies, and etcetera leads to discussions about things of interest.

Asking questions is the only way to find out, and also demonstrate interest. What is your major interests in school (major, minor, degrees) is a good place to start.

Say hi to Peggy's Cove for me, it's been a while. How's the Bluenose II doing?


we are limited in our ability to understand
by our ability to understand

RebelAAmerican.Zen[Deist
{{{Buddha walks off laughing with joy}}}


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Mission for Truth, posted 07-02-2005 7:28 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

  
JustinC
Member (Idle past 2916 days)
Posts: 624
From: Pittsburgh, PA, USA
Joined: 07-21-2003


Message 6 of 28 (221411)
07-03-2005 1:13 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by Mission for Truth
07-02-2005 7:28 PM


quote:
Now, before you offer your insight just get in mind that I'm basically like the typical capricorn (I'm using astrology for analogy sake) and if I was in a party (like that commercial) I would be the one standing with my drink, in appropriate conservative clothing sipping on my rum and coke while talking to a hot girl I'd love to take home (and she wants the same, but is wating for me to say the right thing so she can say her thing and then we can go home together) but for some stupid reason I can't bear to do the expected boring thing and lower myself to needless convention, consequently, I go home alone. But what do I do??


To be pithy: lower yourself. More specifically, you have to realize that it isn't lowering yourself when you follow conventions. Society is run by conventions, and just because you realize what they are doesn't mean it's a bad thing to follow them.

If you are really interested in getting in a relationship with someone, conventions such as chit chat are the best way to get in the door. No one wants to be inundated with who you are on a deep level the first time they meet you, it that makes sense. Start off with mundane chit chat, then find some shared interests, have a more meaningful conversation (i don't necessarily mean a serious conversation, for god sakes be humorous and charming if at all possible), learn more about each other, etc.

Another peice of advice would be the old cliche "Be Yourself". If you post on this site I guarantee you are more interesting already than your average joe shmoe out there (but for god sakes don't admit to her right away that you have internet friends...jk, or am I?). You're probably well read and intelligent, and that is usually a big turn on for women, or atleast women that you would be interested in a relationship with.

As for your awkwardness in group social situations, I really don't have any sound advice. Just relax, be yourself and be confident. If you hang out in a crowd that makes fun of the things you say, or prevents you from being confident in some other way, get a new crowd.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Mission for Truth, posted 07-02-2005 7:28 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

    
robinrohan
Inactive Member


Message 7 of 28 (221427)
07-03-2005 9:17 AM
Reply to: Message 4 by crashfrog
07-02-2005 8:17 PM


Re: Be Here Now
I used to think of people as secondary characters in a story starring me

That's probably the biggest hindrance to communication.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 4 by crashfrog, posted 07-02-2005 8:17 PM crashfrog has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 8 by crashfrog, posted 07-03-2005 11:54 AM robinrohan has not yet responded
 Message 9 by Agent Uranium [GPC], posted 07-04-2005 5:59 PM robinrohan has not yet responded

  
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 8 of 28 (221446)
07-03-2005 11:54 AM
Reply to: Message 7 by robinrohan
07-03-2005 9:17 AM


Re: Be Here Now
That's probably the biggest hindrance to communication.

Hell, for that matter its the biggest hindrance to not slaughtering "those other people" in some kind of misguided holy war.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 7 by robinrohan, posted 07-03-2005 9:17 AM robinrohan has not yet responded

  
Agent Uranium [GPC]
Inactive Member


Message 9 of 28 (221712)
07-04-2005 5:59 PM
Reply to: Message 7 by robinrohan
07-03-2005 9:17 AM


Re: Be Here Now
quote:
Originally posted by robinrohan:
I used to think of people as secondary characters in a story starring me
That's probably the biggest hindrance to communication.

I sometimes feel like a 2ndary character in a story starring me! :D


I'm timeless like a broken watch
I make money like Fred Astaire

This message is a reply to:
 Message 7 by robinrohan, posted 07-03-2005 9:17 AM robinrohan has not yet responded

  
Mission for Truth
Inactive Member


Message 10 of 28 (221878)
07-05-2005 10:06 AM


Thanks
Thank you all for helping me out in whatever way you know how. To be clear, I'm not some sociopath or recluse but I do feel a certain sense of disengagement when it comes to relating to people at a party. I find the best antidote is alcohol (to a certain extent) and then I usually can let go a little.

I think one of the main problems is I can't let go of the necessary inhibitions so I may have a few strong drinks, and then too many inhibitions are gone. I need to find that happy medium. But, I just wish I could do that without the need of alcohol.

The trick too (like many have pointed out) is conversation. I'm all for a good conversation but I find no one is interested in the things I like (general science, scientific issues, life, people, the mind, travel). At least in the parties I go to.

So, I'll take everyone's advice the best I can and I'll update later. I don't have a computer until the 8th.

Thanks everyone. Let's give it a shot!


Replies to this message:
 Message 11 by crashfrog, posted 07-05-2005 5:59 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded
 Message 12 by nator, posted 07-05-2005 8:25 PM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

  
crashfrog
Inactive Member


Message 11 of 28 (221960)
07-05-2005 5:59 PM
Reply to: Message 10 by Mission for Truth
07-05-2005 10:06 AM


Re: Thanks
I think one of the main problems is I can't let go of the necessary inhibitions so I may have a few strong drinks, and then too many inhibitions are gone.

I guess I'm somewhat unclear on what exactly you feel you need to do at a party in order to have fun that you feel you're inhibited from doing. Talking?

I'm all for a good conversation but I find no one is interested in the things I like (general science, scientific issues, life, people, the mind, travel). At least in the parties I go to.

Obvious advice: Go to different parties. I don't know what there is to do in Halifax, but I would suggest you investigate local clubs, organizations, and societies. Whether or not you're a student, stop by your local university's activity fair and find out what campus organizations might be avaliable to you. Few of them will mind if you're not actually a student; the nerdier the club the more likely they are to welcome any interested party.

Use Google Local (local.google.com) and search for keywords that you're interested in. (The Gilbert and Sullivan Society of Nova Scotia? Sounds awesome!)


This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by Mission for Truth, posted 07-05-2005 10:06 AM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

  
nator
Member (Idle past 242 days)
Posts: 12961
From: Ann Arbor
Joined: 12-09-2001


Message 12 of 28 (222005)
07-05-2005 8:25 PM
Reply to: Message 10 by Mission for Truth
07-05-2005 10:06 AM


Re: Thanks
As a woman I have got to tell you that I really don't like parties very much and I certainly have never gone to parties to try to meet men.

I met my husband through a mutual aquaintence and we were set up on a blind date.

But anyway, I really like crashfrog's idea of looking up the local special interest groups and clubs.

My husband considered Dalhousie University in Halifax when deciding which graduate psychology program to attend, so there is a good liklihood of there being some science-minded women floating around town.

Check it out, look what I found:

link

Scientists and Innovators in the Schools (SITS)is a volunteer-based educational programme that helps students of all ages become more excited about science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. In operation since 1989, SITS is a highly effective programme reaching thousands of students each year. Through its various projects, SITS provides a vital link between the education and science communities.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by Mission for Truth, posted 07-05-2005 10:06 AM Mission for Truth has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 13 by Michael, posted 07-06-2005 7:54 PM nator has responded

    
Michael
Member (Idle past 2711 days)
Posts: 199
From: USA
Joined: 05-14-2005


Message 13 of 28 (222266)
07-06-2005 7:54 PM
Reply to: Message 12 by nator
07-05-2005 8:25 PM


question
Hello Schraf--I hope this is amusing to you and others.

I am attempting the inept approach to asking out a particular lady--not intentionally, but it seems to me that it is my strongest approach, with all the practice that I've had.

So, as a woman you would have some insight into this--what percentage of women would find that sort of approach kinda cute, and then respond? What percentage of women do I have absolutely no hope with?

This involves two voice-mail messages that I left for my potential sweetheart. The first message I bungled. The second I try to recover by saying I sounded like an idiot on the first, then go on to say what I really meant to say. Which demonstrates that I can admit a mistake, and ... oh yeah, that I am inept in certain social situations.

Actually, in this particular case I think I'm screwed.

Cheers.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 12 by nator, posted 07-05-2005 8:25 PM nator has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 14 by robinrohan, posted 07-06-2005 11:51 PM Michael has responded
 Message 15 by nator, posted 07-07-2005 5:05 PM Michael has responded
 Message 19 by crashfrog, posted 07-07-2005 11:00 PM Michael has responded
 Message 24 by Zawi, posted 07-17-2005 4:20 PM Michael has responded

  
robinrohan
Inactive Member


Message 14 of 28 (222281)
07-06-2005 11:51 PM
Reply to: Message 13 by Michael
07-06-2005 7:54 PM


Re: question
Forget "women," in the sexual sense, and you will find the one.
This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by Michael, posted 07-06-2005 7:54 PM Michael has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 16 by Michael, posted 07-07-2005 5:40 PM robinrohan has responded

  
nator
Member (Idle past 242 days)
Posts: 12961
From: Ann Arbor
Joined: 12-09-2001


Message 15 of 28 (222403)
07-07-2005 5:05 PM
Reply to: Message 13 by Michael
07-06-2005 7:54 PM


Re: question
Well, I don't know how "women" would react.

I can speak for myself only.

But as I don't know you, I don't know if I would find it cute or not, sorry.

Do you ever see her face to face?


This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by Michael, posted 07-06-2005 7:54 PM Michael has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 17 by Michael, posted 07-07-2005 6:16 PM nator has not yet responded

    
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