This is a thread for all things concerned with the struggle to be the Republican nominee for President, because it promises to be quite funny even without Donald Trump. We miss you, Donald.
First, a complete and occasionally accurate guide to the main contenders. They are in alphabetical order, which serves them right.
Michelle Bachmann. Either the dumbest person in the world or a gifted performance artist. Beloved by the insane wing of the Republican Party, because she is insane, and by liberals for exactly the same reason. Started her official campaign by claiming to be possessed by the spirit of a serial-killer clown, which she probably is.
Herman Cain. Pizza mogul. Has never held political office. Main advantage: being an Afro-American. Main disadvantage: being One Of Them Black Nigras. Appears to be completely bonkers, putting him in with a chance.
Newt Gingrich. Noted for committing adultery while demanding that Bill Clinton should resign for ... what was it? Worshiping graven idols? Not keeping the Sabbath holy? Oh, I remember now, it was committing adultery. Newt's explanation for his behavior is that he's hard-working and patriotic. No, really. According to him: "There’s no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate."
John Huntsman. He's a Mormon and he worked for the Obama administration, making him a member of two sinister anti-Jesus cults. Probably the Anti-Christ but then who isn't these days? Apparently intelligent, moderate, competent, honest, and wildly popular as Governor of Utah, he seems to me to be the best of the bunch. Which isn't to say that I want him to be the nominee. Go Michelle!
Gary Johnson. Former Governor of New Mexico. Like Ron Paul, only less likely to die before you finish reading this paragraph. Has climbed Mount Everest, making him the best candidate at climbing things.
Sarah Palin. Hooray! Because she couldn't handle the pressure of being Governor of snow and polar bears, she now wants to be President. Her chief advantages are two. First, people have heard of her. Second, when she was the VP candidate in 2008 Republicans had to pretend that she wasn't completely worthless, and some of them began to believe it. Not as funny as Michelle Bachmann.
Ron Paul. Engagingly crazy libertarian. Wants to repeal drug laws, abolish income tax, go back on the gold standard, have an isolationist foreign policy, and pretty much reduce the legitimate activities of the federal government to declaring war, which he wouldn't. A man of principles, most of them wrong, and completely unelectable by mainstream Republicans. Noted for how fucking annoying his followers are.
Tim Pawlenty. I don't know who he is either. Oh all right then, he used to be Governor of Minnesota. No person named Tim will ever rise to any position of greatness.
Buddy Roemer. Former Governor of Louisiana, he became a Republican in 1991, lost the Republican nomination for Governor, and hasn't held political office for the past two decades. Apparently running for President just for the heck of it.
Mitt Romney. In 2000, Republicans thought Bush was better than McCain. In 2008, they thought McCain was better than Romney. So Romney is the guy who isn't as good as the guy who isn't as good as Bush. Naturally he's considered the front-runner, because ... why? He is a Mormon, which means that he has lots of crazy irrational beliefs, which worries the Republican base, who have lots of different crazy irrational beliefs. He is tainted by introducing universal health care while Governor of Massachusetts, thus raising fears that he might be a halfway-decent human being.
Rick Santorum. How shall I put this? If you asked a liberal Hollywood screenwriter to invent a Republican politician, this is what he'd come up with. Except the bit where he called for "tougher penalties" for hurricane victims, which would be considered somewhat far-fetched even by Hollywood standards. He is rumored to blight the very earth he walks on so that no flower will ever bloom there again, and to kill puppies by thinking about them.
I shall keep you updated with more semi-information throughout the campaign. In the meantime, let's have your thoughts on the candidates and what objects you would most like to hurl at them.
Except for being so kind to Michelle Bachmann by playing down the fact that she's a crazy as a carnival run by crack-addicted chimpanzees, you seem to be right on target.Your beliefs do not effect reality and evidently reality does not effect your beliefs. -Theodoric
Reality has a well-known liberal bias. -Steven Colbert
I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it. - John Stuart Mill
I'm sure that this is mainly a cultural thing, but every time I hear Sarah Palin speak all I can think of is the Weivoda Carpet Girl who in Grand Forks, ND, circa 1980 appeared in a series of the most irritating TV commercials ever. Her shrill voice, stream of rapid incomprehensible sales pitches, and stupid physical stunts on the forks of a moving forklift would have anyone grabbing for the remote, if only we had one in those days.
To have such a voice represent us in the world. Imagine the worldwide rush to launch a pre-emptive strike just in order to get rid of that noise.
And look, Bachmann has already gotten her tit caught in a wringer. She got a Cease and Desist order from Tom Petty for using "American Girl" in her campaign. What a knob.Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions. -- Thomas Jefferson
We see monsters where science shows us windmills. -- Phat
It has always struck me as odd that fundies devote so much time and effort into trying to find a naturalistic explanation for their mythical flood, while looking for magical explanations for things that actually happened. -- Dr. Adequate
...creationists have a great way to detect fraud and it doesn't take 8 or 40 years or even a scientific degree to spot the fraud--'if it disagrees with the bible then it is wrong'.... -- archaeologist
Michelle Bachmann should scare the hell outta any thinking person. She claims that God speaks to her and that she does what God tells her to do. That alone should be enough to terrify folk and to make the rest of the world consider a preemptive strike or at least embargo and sanctions against the US should she be elected.Anyone so limited that they can only spell a word one way is severely handicapped!
Please don’t post misleading information about Candidate Bachman. I checked your link and it shows your obvious liberal bias.
WASHINGTON (AP) — Michele Bachmann's claim that she has "never gotten a penny" from a family farm that's been subsidized by the government is at odds with her financial disclosure statements. They show tens of thousands in personal income from the operation.
Only a liberal would think that ‘a penny’ and ‘thousands of dollars’ are the same thing.
And, on a less substantive note, she flubbed her hometown history when declaring "John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa," and "that's the kind of spirit that I have, too," in running for president. The actor was born nearly 150 miles away. It was the serial killer John Wayne Gacy Jr. who lived, for a time, in Waterloo.
So she was right, John Wayne Gacy was from where she thought and she often speaks about all the kids she’s taken in; while reports of Gacy talk about how Gacy took in kids.
Newt Gingrich. Noted for committing adultery while demanding that Bill Clinton should resign for ... what was it? Worshiping graven idols? Not keeping the Sabbath holy? Oh, I remember now, it was committing adultery.
That's how you draw attention from yourself when you're getting some strange -- you throw another dude under the bus.
Hey, don't hate the player hate the game.
Ron Paul. Engagingly crazy libertarian. Wants to repeal drug laws, abolish income tax, go back on the gold standard, have an isolationist foreign policy, and pretty much reduce the legitimate activities of the federal government to declaring war, which he wouldn't. A man of principles, most of them wrong, and completely unelectable by mainstream Republicans.
The only question is: What's on the other side of the fence?
Nothing overly special, but at least marginally better than the clowns on the Republican side?
I mean really, we're talking about US politics here, a place where, according to Dr A, if you're named "Tim" you can never do anything significant in your life, but if you're named "Mitt" you can be President!
Yes, I used to write my name as "Mit" when I was first learning to write.
But seriously, we haven't had a good choice in a Presidential election in at least as long as I've been voting. The two major parties and the few 3rd party contenders able to get on a ballot all suck, just for somewhat different reasons. And the two majors are both solidly in the pocket of the wealthy; the difference is mainly that the Democrats will make at least a token attempt at representing and defending the lower- and middle-class while actual policy is largely decided by the oligarchs, while the Republicans gain their lower- and middle-class support through religious tribalism and let actual policy be directed by the oligarchs.
Obama was the first time I felt like I was voting for someone instead of against the other guy, but he's turned out to be such a massive disappointment (yes, Dr A and others, I believe you told us so) that 2012 looks to be back to the same old business as usual: vote Obama so that Bachman\Palin\Romney*\Paul\whatever other nutbar doesn't get the big job.
*Okay, so Romney at least isn't a nutbar in the way that those others are. But he's still a nutbar.