I go to Church every Sunday, I say all the prayers and sing the hymns with my excellent Soprano voice. I take Communion, I shake hands and wish peace upon the people in my Parish and Congregation and then enjoy a cigarette with Father Hanlon outside the Church before going home to say grace before eating a hearty Sunday Roast.
The troubling thing is, I was violently raped 3 years ago by 4 men. This ordeal lasted over 9 hours in which I was beaten, raped and forced to perform unspeakable acts at knifepoint. The men were all convicted and went to prison for 4 years each (their codenames the newspapers in my area revealed were Mickey Mullet, brett'sback, bluesville and GayOlden). I will not reveal the real names as I hope their punishment will come in the next life.
This has had a truly detrimental effect on my sex life. When me and my wife are intimate, I can't help but either fantisise about anal pentration (mine, not hers) or have an almost overwhelming desire to have violent, aggressive sex with her. My therapist says that this is not too uncommon.
I also started watching and reading things I never would. For example I read The Da Vinci Code and actually enjoyed it. I watched a Porn movie for the first time ever and found myself becoming highly aroused.
This brings me on to my dilemma, since this horrible night I can no longer truly believe in God. I can't believe that any entity or spirit so powerful would ever let this happen to anyone who worshipped him/it so highly.
So my Sundays are now simply a front to show everyone else what I feel I SHOULD be doing, but now, sadly, inside I do not really believe.
Is there any way back for me, or can events like this trigger an awakening of sorts?
Edited by AndyGodLove, : I put the word "also" in before I had stated the effects of the rape.
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