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From ATTIS
God diagnosed with bipolar disorder
NEW HAVEN, CTIn a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and
contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers,
theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia, God,
creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of followers, was
found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder. Above: The Lord, found to be
manic-depressive by Rev. Dr. Jurgens (left).
Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of divinity
at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic diagnosis at a
press conference.
"I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And, after
several years of patient research and long sessions with God Almighty
through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to pinpoint the
specific nature of His problem."
Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts
millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of profound
depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both the sufferer
and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes undetected and untreated
for an extended period. Though the condition is estimated to affect, in one
form or another, 5 percent of the world's population, Monday marks the
first time it has been diagnosed in a major deity.
Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe,
from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum of
space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's affliction
comes primarily through His confusing propensity to alternately reward and
punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.
"Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife and
devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself, 'Why?
Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just helped
Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so happy that
we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'"
New York attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild
mood swings.
"Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central
Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and majesty of
nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then,
out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her
hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was a
measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk
again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my
precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life."
Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that,
because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions and
does not realize how they affect others. Above: Taken on the same day,
these photos offer evidence of God's mood disorder.
"What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To
paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for He
knows not what He does.'"
While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven effective in the
treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no modern earthly
medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and complex as God.
Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A
Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss
their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved One
not fully in control of his emotions."
Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as
evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime
and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter.
Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster.
"The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10 or
12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe
cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known as
'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even rarer
'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented cases in
which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward humanity within a
matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought desperately needed,
life-giving rain to southern Mali while simultaneously leveling Turkey with
a devastating earthquake."
Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in
which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the
sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of
Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book
begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown manic
episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the illusion
of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur.
"One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief
that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind, idiot
god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea surfaces in many religious
traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only half right:
God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially trying His
best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out of control at
times."
"So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens
continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upward."
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If you like this topic tell all your friends about it,if you don't,keep your mouth shut.
Note - As pointed out elsewhere, the original source of this was "The Onion", at
Kinja - AM
[This message has been edited by Adminnemooseus, 03-26-2003]
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