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Author Topic:   Humor IV
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 16 of 540 (467669)
05-23-2008 9:05 AM
Reply to: Message 13 by cavediver
05-22-2008 1:50 PM


Re: Star Wars - Join the Rebellion
cavediver writes:

Yeah, we don't make our good stuff available to rogue states. Pay the 200 years of back-tax owed, and we'll send you a working link.

This already happened around the turn of the millennium. This has probably been posted before, but in case anyone missed it:

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

  2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

  3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

  4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

  5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

  6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

  7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

  8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

  9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

  11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

  13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

  14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

  15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

  16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

  17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

  18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

  19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

  20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776. Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA, in line with the policy: "No representation without taxation".

  21. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

  22. Some tea has gone missing, and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

So cough up the video!

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by cavediver, posted 05-22-2008 1:50 PM cavediver has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 17 by Larni, posted 05-23-2008 10:05 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 35 of 540 (472101)
06-20-2008 11:53 AM


Hilarious Baseball At-bat
Whether you're a fan of baseball or not, you'll love this. There's two videos. The top one is short and all you really need to watch, but the bottom one contains the full 8-minute at-bat and is well worth watching, too:

Switch-Hitter Meets Switch-Pitcher

I read on a blog that by major-league baseball rules the umpires got it wrong. The pitcher has to pick an arm and stick with it through the entire at-bat. The batter can switch sides between pitches, but not after the pitcher is ready to pitch.

--Percy


  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 38 of 540 (472412)
06-22-2008 7:18 AM
Reply to: Message 37 by pelican
06-22-2008 4:51 AM


Re: i kill you
Here's a version that isn't squeezed horizontally:

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go&feature=related

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 37 by pelican, posted 06-22-2008 4:51 AM pelican has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 39 by pelican, posted 06-22-2008 8:18 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 45 of 540 (472892)
06-25-2008 5:38 PM
Reply to: Message 44 by Granny Magda
06-25-2008 2:16 PM


Re: The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain
Wow! Great stuff!!!

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 44 by Granny Magda, posted 06-25-2008 2:16 PM Granny Magda has not yet responded

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 47 of 540 (472983)
06-26-2008 9:39 AM


Actually, this explains a lot, whether you're the supporter or the supportee.

--Percy


Replies to this message:
 Message 48 by kjsimons, posted 06-26-2008 9:59 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 99 of 540 (484274)
09-27-2008 2:05 PM
Reply to: Message 98 by Hyroglyphx
09-27-2008 11:35 AM


Re: Science fail
Nemesis Juggernaut writes:

Really? If that's the case, that certainly changes things. I guess one would either have to live in a bubble their whole lives or be mentally ill to think that water + sunlight = government conspiracy.

She's not *that* batty. She thinks that pollution vapors are seeping out of the ground and causing the rainbow effect when combined with water droplets from a sprinkler. She has in mind the color effects one sees when a bit of gasoline gets into a puddle of water at a gas station.

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 98 by Hyroglyphx, posted 09-27-2008 11:35 AM Hyroglyphx has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 100 by Hyroglyphx, posted 09-27-2008 2:15 PM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 105 of 540 (486954)
10-26-2008 7:46 AM
Reply to: Message 104 by kuresu
10-26-2008 7:11 AM


Re: THE END IS NEAR!!!
According to Wikipedia, Hal Turner is an antisemitic, holocaust denying white supremacist. He also seems to have a vivid imagination. I find him far more scary than funny (one quote: "Instead of fighting Muslims, we Christians should be rounding up Jews and killing them here in America."), perhaps seasonally appropriate with Halloween approaching.

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 104 by kuresu, posted 10-26-2008 7:11 AM kuresu has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 106 by kuresu, posted 10-26-2008 9:00 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 165 of 540 (501418)
03-06-2009 7:37 AM


Lewis Black at Aruba.com
Series of short 30 second videos advertising Aruba. They're not bad, and Lewis Black is okay, too. :D

http://www.aruba.com/OurPeoplePlaces/lewisblack.aspx

--Percy


  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 173 of 540 (503990)
03-23-2009 9:52 PM
Reply to: Message 172 by subbie
03-21-2009 8:41 PM


Re: Maybe this is old, but it's new to me.
Check out this Google search for creation evidence. :D

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 172 by subbie, posted 03-21-2009 8:41 PM subbie has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 174 by subbie, posted 03-23-2009 9:57 PM Percy has responded
 Message 177 by Shield, posted 03-26-2009 3:46 PM Percy has acknowledged this reply
 Message 178 by rueh, posted 03-26-2009 4:00 PM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 175 of 540 (503995)
03-23-2009 10:46 PM
Reply to: Message 174 by subbie
03-23-2009 9:57 PM


Re: Maybe this is old, but it's new to me.
Google indexes this site daily, so within a day or two it should be findable using Google. How long it takes to rise to the top depends upon how many people click on it.

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 174 by subbie, posted 03-23-2009 9:57 PM subbie has not yet responded

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 176 of 540 (504277)
03-26-2009 9:04 AM
Reply to: Message 174 by subbie
03-23-2009 9:57 PM


Re: Maybe this is old, but it's new to me.
Well, I guess I'm not really clever. Google has scanned the site a couple times since I posted that, and not only is it not indexing it, it isn't indexing this page, either. It's indexed all the other pages of this thread, but not this one, so my guess is that Google not only detects and rejects webpages of faux Google results, but also pages linking to them. A pity.

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 174 by subbie, posted 03-23-2009 9:57 PM subbie has not yet responded

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 188 of 540 (506148)
04-23-2009 8:16 AM
Reply to: Message 186 by Minnemooseus
04-23-2009 4:40 AM


Re: StereoGIF
I only see jerky video. The video is faster if you view them one at a time (click on the archives link at the bottom of the page), but it still just looks like jerky video. Do your eyes actually perceive it as 3D?

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 186 by Minnemooseus, posted 04-23-2009 4:40 AM Minnemooseus has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 189 by Shield, posted 04-23-2009 6:29 PM Percy has acknowledged this reply
 Message 190 by lyx2no, posted 04-23-2009 6:58 PM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 225 of 540 (509736)
05-24-2009 9:33 AM


If Egyptians had Blackberries...
http://now.sprint.com/nextel/index.html?pid=4?&id9_Ad_2009q2_ndc_pyramids_quarry_v2_300x250
  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 247 of 540 (515756)
07-21-2009 1:12 AM
Reply to: Message 246 by onifre
07-20-2009 9:54 PM


Re: Jim Jeffries
Any chance of getting a video of *you* performing?

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 246 by onifre, posted 07-20-2009 9:54 PM onifre has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 249 by onifre, posted 07-21-2009 8:15 AM Percy has acknowledged this reply

  
Percy
Member
Posts: 18413
From: New Hampshire
Joined: 12-23-2000
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 252 of 540 (516346)
07-24-2009 4:34 PM
Reply to: Message 251 by subbie
07-24-2009 2:34 PM


Re: A traditional Minnesota wedding march
Wedding as celebration! That was wonderful!

--Percy


This message is a reply to:
 Message 251 by subbie, posted 07-24-2009 2:34 PM subbie has not yet responded

  
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