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Author Topic:   Humor IV
rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 178 of 540 (504302)
03-26-2009 4:00 PM
Reply to: Message 173 by Percy
03-23-2009 9:52 PM


Re: Maybe this is old, but it's new to me.
LOL I like it. Reminds me of this one for weapons of mass destruction that used to be available when you searched google using the "I'm feeling lucky" button. Although yours might be closer to the truth :laugh:


'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
This message is a reply to:
 Message 173 by Percy, posted 03-23-2009 9:52 PM Percy has acknowledged this reply

rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 264 of 540 (518127)
08-04-2009 6:45 AM
Reply to: Message 258 by Rahvin
07-24-2009 10:10 PM


Re: it's the real thing?
Coke + 151 = karaoke
Pepsi + 151 = karaoke
151 + 0 = passed out on the floor
therefore Coke = Pepsi


'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
This message is a reply to:
 Message 258 by Rahvin, posted 07-24-2009 10:10 PM Rahvin has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 265 by lyx2no, posted 08-04-2009 8:07 AM rueh has not yet responded

rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 277 of 540 (522297)
09-02-2009 11:42 AM


#2 Pencil
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, Took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her Rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had Her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

Edited by rueh, : No reason given.


'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 386 of 540 (540106)
12-22-2009 8:57 AM


Heisenberq's picture
Iblis in the species/ kind thread writes:

Iblis writes:

We aren't Darwinists, or Einsteinites, or Branch Dawkinsians. We don't care if you print a picture of Heisenberg, or use Wheeler's name in vain. It reminds me of that sport that isn't called football in America. Are these basically just "ideology hooligans"?

I tried printing a picture of Heisenberq once to hang on my wall. I was never certain if it was him in the photograph though.

Edited by rueh, : No reason given.


'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
Replies to this message:
 Message 387 by Iblis, posted 12-22-2009 10:04 AM rueh has responded

rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 388 of 540 (540126)
12-22-2009 11:37 AM
Reply to: Message 387 by Iblis
12-22-2009 10:04 AM


Re: Heisenberq's picture
LOL That's great.
This message is a reply to:
 Message 387 by Iblis, posted 12-22-2009 10:04 AM Iblis has not yet responded

rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 469 of 540 (549015)
03-03-2010 8:29 AM


God in the garden with Adam and Eve
To those of us who have children in our lives. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was DON'T!

Don't what? Adam replied.

Don't eat the forbidden fruit. God said.

Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!

No Way!

Yes way!

Do NOT eat the fruit! Said God.

Why?

Because I am your Father and I said so! God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? God asked.

Uh huh, Adam replied.

Then why did you? Said the Father.

I don't know, said Eve.

She started it! Adam said.

Did not!

Did too!

DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
rueh
Member (Idle past 1802 days)
Posts: 382
From: universal city tx
Joined: 03-03-2008


Message 471 of 540 (549128)
03-04-2010 7:57 AM


Political science for dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts..
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

AL-QAEDA CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one..
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all..
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


'Qui non intelligit, aut taceat, aut discat'
The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it is open.-FZ
The industrial revolution, flipped a bitch on evolution.-NOFX
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