For some time I have been toying with the idea to try out some standup comedy and I had come up with yet another Superman routine. I have no idea if it's worth pursuing. I actually tried it out at one of the bars where I do Open Mike singing and the result was rather tepid. My delivery was off:
You all are familiar with Superman, right? The Man of Steel? Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Faster than a speeding bullet...yada yada yada?
He's quite some super hero kind of a guy, cooly hiding as the mild-mannered Clark Kent, saving the world from unbelieveable disaster every issue, earning the adulation of every decent person on the planet - even the other super heroes bow to him. He'd be some kind of guy to be, if you were a guy...but before you all start thinking how neat it would be to BE him, let's all just consider this a little bit more closely.
Now, you know there are some Superman stories that they just could never put in print. Or they'd lose their important family rating right away. The comic would have to be moved into the little back room of the store.
Consider this: for years and years in the original stories he had to keep brushing off Lois Lane. Now we know he really does have a special relationship with her, and a few other women in his life, like Lana Lang and Lori Lorelei, so it's not like he's gay or anything - no - he seems to be a straight guy. But surely he must have considered the implications and thought it out. I mean - what do you think The Man of Steel's hard-on would be like? Steely Dan from Naked Lunch would have nothing on this.
But more to the point - when he came...just think, when he came, it would be like a 12-gauge shotgun going off, with all those steely guys coming out in a blast - surely he knew this would kill...so he has to think of another way. Now, being the man of honorable ethics, he would not just go out and find some harlot somewhere and try it out, just to see what it was like, could he? No, no, no. The newspapers would print the story of finding the poor girl's body... "strange, unexplainable internal wounds"...or he could hide the evidence - but, hey, this is Superman - he's not going to commit murder to find out, unless he's under the effects of red kryptonite. The red kryptonite has strange effects - it could remove his moral barriers...but again - he's not gonna be waiting around for another red kryptonite episode to test this out, is he? They dont write those episodes very often. Well, what about a green kryptonite condom? But what if green kryptonite is brittle and flaky and cannot be made into a condom without leakage. I mean, have any of you ever seen a condom made out of material like rock? No. What about if he superfast reweaves a piece of his cape into a condom? But again wait, a cloth condom? His guys could swim through that. So I'm sure he puts a lot of thinking into this. But, hey - yunno, the dude is probably still a virgin.
Then he realizes it's even worse than he thought, because, hey, he's Superman and he can fly. That means so can his little guys! Not only can they all swim - as George Costanza would put it - they can all fly!
Now, for ordinary human males, there are these zillions each time, but only one can score the egg. The others are just out of luck and soon will have expired. But this is NOT the case for Superman!!! They are all Super and *will* fly out and find another target!! All of them will find another target!!! Every single one will *succeed* in what they are designed to do! Now how many are there in a typical load? 150 Millions! Yikes! The poor guy cant even jack off!!
........Now - do any of you guys still want to be Superman?
In that message pointed to above, our resident professional, Onifre, writes:
Do you honestly think it would be best for the human race to give birth to every single conceived fetus?
I would add
Does anyone think it would be best for the human race for every sperm to conceive?
Epilogue (years later): One of the last Superman stories I read was a story about how, every once in awhile, Superman would take his arch-nemesis Luthor on a furlough from the prison and they would go off and land on this red star planet where Superman had no super powers. On this planet Luthor was revered as their hero the way Superman is on earth. And Superman is regarded as the bad guy. Luthor has made an agreement to go there and help the planet and be the hero and be able to beat up that bad guy Superman there, under the condition that they then they go back to the prison on earth, lifting off in their return vehicle without super powers until out of range of the red star. Luthor thanks Superman for this every time. Aw gee, how nice, huh? Real warm and touchy-feely. Almost made me vomit.
But now I think I really know why Superman keeps going back to this place - I know why he made this deal with Luthor - it's so he can finally jack off!
Larry Niven got there first: Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex
LOL that was a much more thorough contemplation of the situation.
Figures a famous author in the field would have covered this subject. But he screwed up when he used Gold Kryptonite for one part of the process and then forgot about it during the gestation process, instead falling back to Green Kryptonite in a delicate balanced treading of life & death. Dude - Gold, go for the Gold!!!