In a statement issued to the press this morning, Pat Robertson denied allegations that he had a hangnail. "The Lord Jesus protects me," he said, "and punishes those who do not believe. If you are sick or dead, it is because you did not believe in God enough. One need only look at the millions of dying people around the world to see that we live in troubled times, filled with debauchery and sin." When asked if he had ever gotten sick or, even felt any discomfort in his life, he replied, "No, that's what happens to sinners." He then sighed and addressed the reporters as if they were children who'd asked too many questions. "Look," he said, "through Jesus I have eternal life. You all out there, you'll be dead, dead, dead while I'm driving my rocket car to get the morning's issue of the Space Times. These rumors about this hangnail? It's the devil saying these things about me. My nails are in perfect condition. Look." He then showed off his expertly groomed fingernails and then, despite assurances from reporters that it wasn't necessary, took off his shoes, showed off his diamond-studded toenails, and insisted that photographers take pictures of them.
"In Heaven, everything is fine."
The Lady in the Radiator
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