Please - Some Impartial Advice Needed

Okay, I don't know if this is a relevant topic for EvC, and I should probably keep it to myself; but I respect the members here, and I need some impartial advice at the moment. It is a question concerning homosexuality and the "coming out" process. (What's that? Are those groans I hear?)I've been sexually aroused by males since I was in second grade, but I've always repressed it; I tried to make myself like girls. I never had a girlfriend, but I did become attracted to "normal" pornography for a time, and I thought I'd finally beaten my desires. This all changed when one of my best friends came out to me.My friend told me at the beginning of our senior year, about nine months ago. It was a very relieving shock! Despite intense social pressure, I remained close to him, and eventually told him that I was gay. This process has culminated to this present day, where I feel it would be best for me to come out to everybody. I decided my parents would be a good place to start.I told my mother about an hour ago. She didn't take it well; in fact, she took it worse than I imagined. (I should have suspected it; she is a Sunday School teacher, after all.) I only suggested I'm gay, but she immediately branded me as "confused" and "insecure" and cited the Bible to condemn homosexuality. When I pointed out that the Bible says plenty of strange things, she told me, with tears in her eyes, that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. We ended the conversation when my little brother walked in the room. I love my mom, and this is a very painful time for me.So what do you think I should do? Is it possible that she's right and I am deluding myself? Perhaps I am confused; perhaps I'm relying too heavily on my friend and his influence; and I probably would be making a big mistake to come out and then be wrong about it! Is it possible to learn to like girls? Or am I stupid for even thinking such a dumb thought?Goddamn it!Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone; you have no idea how much I needed them.My mom and I had a long discussion this afternoon.Overall, she told me that I was throwing away everything I have worked for, everything in my life, for a dumb lie.She insisted that I'm not gay; she said that I have never dated a girl (and suggested that I lack "people skills") and have no idea what I'm talking about. She insists that I may like girls, but I've been too insecure to date them.She insists that because I'm only eighteen that my developing brain is in no position to make decisions about my life. She gave me several detriments of being a homosexual, which included disease, psychological problems, that it's "unnatural", and the societal consequences ("You'll be put into a group," she says.)She ended our argument by saying that she'll never condone or accept it. All during this, she was occasionally breaking down in tears; and when she cries, I can't help it, either.The best motivation I can think of is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Inherit the Wind:"Young lady, I know what Bert is going through. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down an empty street listening to your own footsteps. But all you have to do is to knock on any door and say, 'If you'll let me in, I'll live the way you want me to live and I'll think the way you want me to think', and all the blinds will go up and all the doors will open, and you will never be lonely ever again." -Spencer TracyI hope I don't do that for anybody.Thanks again

Thanks again, everybody, for the awesome advice. It's really uplifting.My mom and I are in a strained and formal relationship. She has talked to my dad, and she says that they are going to make me quit my job, get me away from my gay friend, and make me work for my dad in the oil field. Gawd almighty She insists that everybody goes through things like this, but they have to "work through them". It's just a phase!, she says. I've struggled with this for twelve years, and I don't think it's a "phase".I have no doubt I'll be just as insecure around boyfriends as I am around girls; I think that stems from my personality. I'm just not that promiscuous! However, I think it'll be easier for me to seek out someone I'm actually sexually attracted to, rather than someone who society tells me to pursue.I'm going to binge on some Fritos now.Thanks for the amazing help

Some "Christians" are remarkable in their hypocrisy...I told my two best friends several days before I told my mom. (They are both active in the church.) They were shocked, and quickly told my youth minister. When I walked into church this morning, one of my friends wouldn't even look at me. I quickly learned (from my other friend) that my youth minister has been telling them to stay away from me and my dangerous ideas.Tonight, after church, my youth minister invited everybody out to dinner - except me. This is ironic for a Christian; I can't help but think of the meeting between Zacchaeus and Jesus...I was very disturbed, and I told my mother about this. We had a huge fight. She says I'm dragging her and the family down, and that she'll have to resign her post as a Sunday School teacher. She is furious that I told anybody, and she calls me incredibly "selfish". In the meantime, she continues to insist that I'm not gay.Of course, I didn't mean to hurt my family; I was stupid to think they would be immune to criticism. I told my friends - and some other people - because I felt ready; but perhaps I was selfish to sacrifice my parents' reputation. Honestly, I didn't think my parents would have to be particularly ashamed; they are not the only parents in church that have a wayward son (though of course I know I'm not really wayward.)I know my mom can come across as a heartless bigot - indeed, she does have tendencies to be a bigot - but in reality she's scared for my life, my happiness, and my safety. It's going to be a long, hard road ahead for our family, but I have little doubt that we'll eventually settle down and accept each other again someday.

I'm certainly not going to flaunt my sexuality - simply because that's not who I am. I won't wear a rainbow-colored shirt that says "I'm gay!", and tell every person in the street about my preferences and fetishes.However, I will be open about it; if I want to talk about my boyfriend, then I will without fear; if somebody asks me about my orientation, I will tell them (except in special circumstances). Crashfrog already pointed this out; straight people do "out" themselves everyday; a gay person who's out can be expected to do the same.

I have a personal question.Why did you try to be a homosexual? It can be a pretty crappy life at times, so I don't see why someone would put themselves through it unnecessarily. I'm sure there's a good reason, but I can't clearly see it.

Again, thanks for the wonderful advice. My mother claims that I can't be gay until I'm financially independent, so I'm thinking of a plan to eventually make that happen. For the time being, however, I'm willing to compromise; I'm not yet desperate to live a "gay" lifestyle; indeed, there is no gay culture in this part of the state.My mother was infuriated that I told people. So out of respect for my family, especially my mother's church position, I'm going to back off on telling people I'm gay; if they ask, I'll simply say it's none of their business. In addition, I won't talk about boys, or anything else too "gay"; I'll effectively be closeted again, at least to the people who don't know. This is a "coasting" attitude, but I think it's appropriate for my small town; and it's probably best for my family, which includes my little brother.In college, I'll make a decision with my roommate based on the circumstances. If I decide that I'm ready to have a boyfriend or whatever, then I'll tell my roommate and break off financially with my parents. To prepare for this, I'll ask my counselor for advice on student aid and such things. Regardless of what happens, however, my sophomore year I will definitely be moving out of the dorms, and possibly into an apartment with some gay friends who live up there (it's tentative, of course).Honestly, though, I'd like to avoid the "breaking off" situation; I would regret the subsequent damage to my family. In reality, I think that my parents will eventually lighten up; they did back off on the gawd-awful oil field idea; and even though I quit my job, I can still see my gay friend. My dad has been a voice of reason in this whole debacle - he actually agrees that it's not a choice! - and I think over time he'll be a moderating factor on my panicking mother.Overall, I'd like to avoid any desperate decisions right now; it is not yet to that point, and I'm willing to compromise for the moment. But my parents had better understand that I will live my life according to my dictates, and without their interference.

Of course, I would love to continue what I'm doing; I would love to openly speak about my sexuality, and force my town's residents to accept who I am. I don't mind taking the hits for this; but I worry about my family, especially my little brother. If they were somehow hurt, either physically or societally, by something I did, then I couldn't take it.A best case scenario would be to start a sexual "revolution" in my narrow-minded town, and open the eyes of hundreds of citizens. However, the chances of this happening are miniscule. The church holds the whip, and I'm sure that I'll be viewed as a prodigal son. Once again, I don't mind taking the licks, but my family will be dragged down as well.I don't think that I can change anything by myself. There can be no moral duty to do what cannot be done. Perhaps you're right, however; perhaps the moral thing is to be who I am, and to hell with the consequences. Maybe I should hope for the best, and give people the benefit of the doubt, and maybe do some long-term, greater good. However, I want to balance this noble viewpoint with realism. I'm afraid a lot of people will be hurt because of my decisions, and I have to take them into account.You gave me something to think about, however. We'll see what I do.

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here, but I'll try to respond.Of course, I did accept the "agenda" of homosexuality before I accepted it in myself. After looking at the issue for several months, I decided that there was nothing morally wrong with it. What other solution do you have? I'm not being sarcastic, but I'm genuinely curious. I repressed it - meaning no "entertaining, fantasizing, or masturbation" - for many years, until I finally began to indulge about two years ago. Indeed, I was tortured with guilt, and I would always beg for forgiveness for my sins. I think, however, that homosexuality is more taboo than "regular" sins. People generally accept normal sins, but gayness is always openly reviled, under threat of violence and isolation.Only after the past year, when I began to doubt the validity of theism and Christianity, did the shame begin to fade. Perhaps you're right; but I think you might be throwing around the word "shame" too lightly. Indeed, I genuinely thought something was wrong with me, and I sincerely felt I was going to hell.Rather than indulging in this process you've described, I fought tooth-and-nail to end it. This included many public "salvation" experiences, several public baptisms, dozens of desperate talks with my youth minister and pastor, and thousands of late-night prayers begging God to forgive me and to save my soul.I don't see why I would be addicted to that process of "shame". Did I misunderstand you? You very well may be right, and perhaps college will knock me out of this "cycle" that you're suggesting. I'm certainly open to falling in love with a woman. Indeed, I hope that this happens, because it would be a lot easier on me.Just understand that this isn't easy, but I'm trying to do what I think is best for myself. What other options do you suggest?Edited by taylor_31, : No reason given.

Sorry, I wasn't very clear on that point.I didn't "dump" my religion because of my sexuality; rather, I dumped my religion for other reasons, which are probably off-topic here. (Basically, I couldn't, and can't, find any evidence of a god.) The acceptance of my sexuality was a definite plus, but it certainly wasn't my sole reason for abandoning Christianity. What did I feel guilty about? ...Well, because I liked boys. I struggled with a sin that was openly ridiculed in my school and community. Occasionally, I would "slip" and fantasize, or whatever - this only led to more repentance and more shame. I felt that there was something deeply wrong with me and I couldn't get rid of it; in fact, it only seemed to get worse. I tried my hardest. Who wants to go to hell?I wouldn't underestimate the power of religion. The fear of hell, and the promise of heaven, can make people do radical and bizarre things. That's genuinely very interesting, but I admit that I don't understand.When I was younger, I beat up my little brother with my Bible (long story). Afterwards, when I saw the bruises on his legs, I felt so guilty that I vowed to never hurt him again. Of course, I didn't become addicted to beating my little brother; rather, the shame made me abstain from that behavior.So how does shame and guilt become addicting? That's very true. This could be said, however, to a straight guy that's my age. The only difference is that I like boys and the straight guy doesn't. Again, think of a straight guy. Most straight guys my age are, by and large, only sexually attracted to women. They probably haven't found a relationship that is akin to marriage. This doesn't mean that you can't classify them as "straight", simply because they've never had a "real" relationship.It's the same principle with me, except that I like guys. I don't see what your point has to do with homosexuality. Sorry, but this is remarkably arrogant.How do you know that I didn't want God? I did want God; in fact, I needed God. I don't think that you're in a position to judge my motives in my quest for God.You make a lot of assumptions in your "sketch" of Christianity, including the definition of "sin". You also mention the "boundaries" of man, but I'm betting that these boundaries are incredibly nebulous and vague, especially since they are supposed to be known to the whole world. Further, I would argue that we really have no idea what "God" wants.I think that there are better ways to rationalize and understand our world, and those ways don't include blindly following the Bible, if that is what you do.Sorry if this was too strident; thanks for your input and advice!Edited by taylor_31, : No reason given.