Humor

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" Jay Leno

My son came in the other day and shot this at me first thing, so I thought I might as well inflict it on y'all.Stepping out onto her back step for a breath of cool air, Mrs. Smith notices 8 yr. old Suzie laboring over something in the neighboring back yard and decides to walk over and chat. As she nears the bordering fence it becomes apparent that Suzie is deeply troubled about something."What's the matter, Suzie?", Mrs. Smith calls out."My parakeet died" Suzie replies.Now noticing that Suzie is working with a shovel, it becomes apparent to Mrs. Smith that the poor girl has been burying her beloved pet.Coming up to the fence Mrs. Smith consoles, "Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. What was your parakeet's name?"Suzie replies, "I named her Trixie."Leaning over the fence and glancing down, Mrs. Smith observes that Suzie has just finished filling in the grave of her poor parakeet. She also is surprised to notice that the excavation had been inordinately large."Wow", exclaims Mrs. Smith, "You dug a pretty big hole to bury a parakeet. Why so large?"Using the back of the shovel to pound the dirt tightly back into the hole, Suzie glances up at Mrs. Smith and replies, "Because she's inside your fucking cat."Sorry,Amlodhi

How many Freudian psychiatrist does it take to screw in a penis,.. umm I mean light bulb...

Two, your just need an extremely large lightbulb.

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Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but it's got to want to change.

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"Perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river."
-Anya

Hey doc, I think I am schizophrenic..and so am I.

A Christian, a catholic and an atheist are discussing donations to the church. The Catholic says "I draw a line on the ground and throw my money towards it. The money that falls on the far side I give to God, the money that falls closest to me I keep."
The Christian says "I draw a circle on the ground and throw my money towards it. What falls inside the circle I give to God, what falls outside I keep."
The atheist thinks for awhile and says "I'll throw my money in the air, what God wants he can take"

Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school so the nun asked him, "Who was our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny who sat behind her took out a pin and pokes her in the butt, making Mary yell "Jesus Christ!"
Very good says the teacher. Mary falls back asleep. So the nun wakes her back up and asks, "Who created the universe?" Little Johnny pokes her in the butt with a pin again, making Mary yell, "God Almighty!"The teacher says very good. And unconvinced that Mary would stay awake, she asks Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth?" Little Mary jumped out of her seat and yells, "If you shove that thing in my butt one more time I'm gonna break it in half and shove it down your throat."

Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God. The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in. The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first women on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in. The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.

At sunday school they were teaching how god created everything,including human beings.Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created from Adams rib
Later in the week his mother noticed him laying on his down as though he were ill,"Johnny what is the matter"?Little Johnny responded."I have a pain in my side.I think i'm going to have a wife".

OOO! OOO! I got one!This kid just got his Drivers License, now all he needs is a new car. Being a devout catholic, he kneels down to pray:"Dear god, I have been so very good. Please bring me a car, and let it apear in the parking lot in the morning."So the kid goes off to sleep, wakes up the next day and runs to the driveway. No car."Dear god, please oh please, oh plese. I promiss to devote my life to your service if you would only bring me a car."He goes back to sleep, next morning goes to the driveway. Still nothing."GOD! Please OH PLEASE OH PLEASE! Just this one thing, bring me a car god, please!"Goes back to bed, wakes up. Upon finding no car in the driveway, the kid gets really mad. Storms into his mothers room, grabs the statue of the virgin marry off the alter. Wrapps it in newspaper, tapes it up, and throws it in his footlocker and padlocking it.He kneels down to pray:"Dear god, if you ever want to see your mother again...."[This message has been edited by Yaro, 02-24-2004]

Nice,try this one
Three men are golfing.The first one tees off and the ball slices left into a pond,he walks over to the pond and parts the water and takes the penalty shot.The second man tees of,again the ball slices left into the pond,he walks up to the pond and walks on the water and takes his penalty stroke.The third man tees off,the ball again slices left.Out of nowhere a bird swopes down catching the ball,as the bird flies of a hawk graps him.Out pops the ball,bounces of a tree and a squirrel picks it up and drops it in the hole.The second man turns to the third and say"if you keep doing tha,dad,we wont invite you again"!

This looks like it might well be the greatest movie of all time.

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"Perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river."
-Anya

How about the legend of Obi Wan Danobe? Once upon a time on a planet far far away,there lived four brothers. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John Skywalker. They lived with their mother as it had been awhile since they had seen their Father. It was told to them that their Father was a great Prophet and fighter of evil. He had at one time been friends with the legendary Obi Wan Danobe,a Jedi mystic who had learned everything that he knew from a 2 foot big earred divine master named Yoda Kirby. Yoda had learned to focus on the Force--the great spirit of the universe. After a "forced" retirement, he opened the Kirby vacuum company, inventing a machine which sucks all evil out of possessed carpets. Anyway,the Evil Lord of the enemy was a menacing figure named Darth Brooks. Darth was opened up to the dark fundamentalist side of the force by the evil Gaither family, which taught him how to be a country gospel warrior. All four brothers wrote down the story of the battle with Darth Brooks exactly how they saw it, but Luke seemed to have a different version than the other brothers, and was forced to hang out with Roboto and DC85, two mechanical companions. In the climactic scene of this epic film, Obi Wan and Luke meet Darth Brooks, who seduces young Skywalker with a Dolly Parton doll. Obi Wan challenges Darth, then lets himself get cut in two so that he can hang out in the spirit world with his idol, Kirby. Luke finds out that Darth is really his Daddy, and can't wait to tell Matthew, Mark, and John all about it! Darth turns Democrat, and joins the good side. Yoda and Obi Wan pop in for a reunion, and the four brothers all get married and populate the universe with tax and spend liberals. Meanwhile...the Emperor George of the evil side plots on how to send his other evil son Dubya back into the world to cause more chaos! Stay tuned...Have you ever seen THIS movie, Dan? [This message has been edited by Phatboy, 03-13-2004]

Nah, I'm more of an Asimov man.

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"Perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river."
-Anya