Oh for a return to Burlesque, when no one was sacred and we all took our lumps. Where the judge on the bench, the millionaire in his club were as fair game as the policeman or the prostitute.What the world needs now is more stereotypical humor.A father watched his five year old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.He watched her picking through the flowers when suddenly she just stopped and stared intently at something on the ground. Curious, he went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.Unsure how to handle this delicate subject he decided a direct approach would be best.
Besides, she was too young to really understand and would probably forget about it anyway."Uh...They're mating," her father replied.She quietly watched the spiders then asked, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?".He looked, recognized the spider and answered "That's a Daddy Longlegs.""So, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked."Well no." her father replied. "It's a Daddy Longlegs too."The little girl thought for a moment, stood up, took her foot and stomped them flat."Well," she said, "that might be OK in California and Massachusetts but we ain't having any of that sh%# here in Nevada!!*************************************************************Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp."What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy."That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand.""That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.""Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?""That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."**************************************************A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."******************************What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Sheep herder?
Mick sings "Hey, You...Get off of my Cloud!"The sheep herder sings "Hey McCloud! Get off of my Ewe!"This message has been edited by jar, 07-28-2004 03:41 PM

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were ready taken.Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

The female always makes the rules.The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.No male can possibly know all the rules.If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.The female is never wrong.If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

If this were really a man's world, Rodin's The Thinker would be thinking...

Remember to leave the seat up.
Remember to leave the seat up.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

How about we label the Jokes with a scarlet letter in the subtitle field. That way you will be saved from being hurt or offended if you just skip those posts.We could use a system such asA= ANIMALISTIC
B= BAUDY
C= CONTROVERSIAL
D= DEMONIC
E= ETHNIC
F= FAITH BASHING
G= GAY BASHING
H= HOMOSEXUAL HUMOR
I= INDIAN-COWBOY JOKES
...That way if there is a letter in the sub-title (or more than one letter since a given joke might fall into several of the 26 categories) you can just skip it.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

Nope. That is sily. If it is a one on one, that might be appropriate. In a public forum, it's not.That was good old ROT13. Maybe we should bring it back.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

Good. ROTFLMAO

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

As a barrel maker I must protest. Your denigration of barrels and attempt to connect barrels with the slaughter of innocent fish has not gone unnoticed.To you they well be only hoops and stays, but for many it was barrels that carried the flour, tar and feathers and enabled people to live through the harshest winter.Racist bigoted speech such as yours can never be tolerated.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

We always knew you were something special. Now, with the new wealth you've gained, will you stock the community bar with something better than Old Milwaukee?

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

And folk say that NPR isn't worth the money.

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming, not even from the mechanic named Steve.The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.In the cockpit, Ron turns and says, "You know, Yohan, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.""That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

In your profile, scroll to the very bottom. Below the display of your current avatar is a box for whether or not to display avatars.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

It's entertainment, not news.

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion

I really wish I understood that. Maybe I'm just unusually dense, but could you try to explain the humor or significance you found in that picture?

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Aslan is not a Tame Lion