The necessity of changing out my calander never fails to bring to mind all of the shortcomings of my life, so I resolve to make only those resolutions I will without question keep. Thus, I am willing to swear, on forfeit of all my worldy goods, to keep the following resolutions for the next year:
1. Don't go to Sunday Services at a Southern Baptist church.
2. Don't eat chitterlings.
3. Don't get a woman pregnant.
4. Don't shoot heroin.
5. Don't join the Republican Party.
Remind me to check my progress this time next year.
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