Your First Ever EVC Post

The way to start is to look around the topics at the bottom of your message index.

The first member that I remember seeing was the lovely and talented Nosy Ned.

I know!!!!! Two years absence and still the next closest competitor (our old sparring partner RAZD I believe) is a few thousand posts behind either of them.

A sub topic of this thread could be "My first post that got me suspended"

I of course have never (yet) been suspended.

(**Straggler gazes angelically at the halo suspended over his head**)

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Well, you got me convinced, now I will slaughter my neighbours and take their daughter as my wife as is clearly your will!

All Hail The Lord Chimp!
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I will soon (this evening) write a book (a few sentences) about my exploits, and how they were sanctioned by The Lord Chimp. This will add credibility to his claim of Ultimate Authority!

All Hail The Lord Chimp!
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{Non-topic blather belatedly hidden - Adminnemooseus}

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Let here be recorded those exploits and endeavours of The 'Tard of the Hun, and how through his dealings with The Ultimate Authority The Lord Chimp, Great is His anger, he went and conquered a little patch of land known as the Jenssen's place.

For 'twas upon a day that was sunny and warm, with the golden sun, set in the sky by the greatest of authorities, The Lord Chimp, short is His fuse, I, 'Tard of the Hun, was upon the green meadow before my estate.
And yonder did I look, and behold such a sight that I had not seen in days.
'Twas the neighbours daughter, known as Violet to some, and pumpkin to others, who, upon this hot and heavy day, did frolic to and fro.
Her robes of colourful flowers did a-flutter in the wind.
Ah yes, the wind, blown around the Earth by none other than that most authoritative figures of all, The Lord Chimp, his temper be terrible, and doubtless, it blew to reveal to mine eyes the wonderful stilts that did bear aloft this creature of wonderful visage.
For this I gave praise to Him, and hoped he would bless me more, for one thing was clear to, as cleasr as the purest water, giving praise to some being so much elevated above us as to be Ultimate in authority, must be pleasing to Him.
And He, being pleased, would shower me with the most radiant of blessings, for He is a just authority, though he angers swiftly, 'tis always righteous fury.
For a few days did the sun burn my features, and red did I become.
Red be the favourite colour of The Lord Chimp, for why else turn his devoted follower so?
I undertook on oath to him, saying, "Lord Chimp, If I forswear the use of water as drink for three more days, wouldst thou grant me my desires?"
And 'lo! So did he answer with an evaporating puddle, for did not the puddle represent my sin, being taken by his glorious authority?
Then one cooling night, when the inner fire of His blessing burned so much I could not sleep, 'twas as if my skin was alight like a thousand candles, I had a vision.
A vision of flowers turning red, of flame consuming wood, of love finally recognized and of respect finally won!
I knew what The Lord Chimp, his rage be consuming, wanted me to do!
I did waste not a drop of sand from my hourglass and did hurry as the wind towards the land I was to conquer.
With a ferocious shout I broke down their most foul barrier, it had protected them for long, but against the blessings of an authority such as The Lord Chimp, furious is his mood, there is no safe haven.
Upwards my feet carried me ever higher, I was being held aloft by His great want.
For wanting this he did, he told me so in every fiber of my body, and I did tingle with excitement.
Shouts, the man looked surprised, and that look forever holds his visage, for he liveth no longer, the axe was too sharp.
His wife did a-shriek, but silence soon filled this dark cool house, already, the great rage The Lord Chimp had filled me with was subsiding, I was ever closer to what he wished me to do.
Entering the final room, my goal lay in sight, I took her up in my arms, still dripping with the life of her captors, and set her free, to be my wife.
Now, she lives in m basement, and is happy and content that the great authority did select her to be the start of his new commune of most loyal followers.

So I say unto thee all, do not doubt that there is but one authority, the ultimate authority, The Lord Chimp, berserking ever on.

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Liner notes:

Well, that should settle this debate over who is the ultimate authority once and for all. And don't criticize this, it only took me about ten minutes to write, so no quality is guaranteed. Oh, and The Lord Chimp will curse you if you speak ill of his followers.
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{Non-topic blather belatedly hidden - Adminnemooseus}

I find it hard to believe that someone who (presumably) doesn't speak English as a first language could wax so poetically (and in 10 minutes!).

I think I've enjoyed teasing that cigarette too much, but it's now running the risk of looking less and less amusing.