In the beginning, Jumped Up Chimpanzee made the Heavens, the Light, the Sun, the Earth, all the Plants, Animals, Man and Woman.
Oh, and fungi.
Jumped Up Chimpanzee saw what He had done, and saw that it was good.
Really good, in fact. As good as anything could possibly be.
Jumped Up Chimpanzee called himself, The Lord, because that’s a suitable title for someone who is ultimately in charge of everything.
The Lord said, I am ultimately in charge of everything.
The Lord made up a load of rules for Man and Woman to follow.
The Lord told a lot of stories that helped convey the morals behind those rules.
Sometimes Man and Woman obeyed those rules, which pleased The Lord.
Sometimes Man and Woman disobeyed those rules, which angered the Lord and made him hand out punishments (which are too gruesome to go into here).
The Lord did a load of other stuff, mostly involving the weather, but essentially, that’s about it.
The Lord says, all of the above is true.
And a bunch of guys called Tom, Dick and Harry also say, "it's true."