Deconversion experiences

Oh, completely And I'm still going through many of the withdrawal symptoms you mention.I grew up in a nominally Christian environment, and acknowledged myself as an atheist by the age of eleven. By thirteen, friends had dragged me along to their church group where I found a previously unknown social acceptance and tolerance (as I'm sure many here will testify, high-functioning mildy Aspergers types are typically lonely.)At first, I rationalised their prayers and praise as directed at nature. Over time, however, the doctrine became more established in me, and I just ended up believing. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, and was happy to declare myself a (born-again, evangelical) Christian. Over the years I became a leader amongst our youth fellowship, and was prominant in preaching, envangelism, and worship. My faith was rock-solid, and although I had many questions and uncertainties, God and Jesus were as real as the floor I was standing on.Twenty plus years after becoming a Christian, having now gained an amazing Christian wife and family, a revitalised Christian faith (I had several periods of back-sliding in those previous years), and a wonderful home church and community of Christian friends, I arrived at EvC. My faith had already survived a ten year academic career, but within two years of arriving at EvC, I started my deconversion to agnostic atheism, via brief periods of post-evangelical Christianity, panetheism, deism, etc.I am now an atheist. And it hurts like hell. My own wife knows that I am "far from God" but cannot understand the difference between that and the truth, and we don't talk about it. My kids are being raised in a strongly fundementalist (creationist) church. I largely avoid my large group of Christian friends as I hate refusing to engage them in conversations regarding my "back-sliding", my "losing my way", my "giving up on God". I cannot lie to them but many can not handle the concept of me being an atheist. It would be easier to explain that I have decided to join Satan's side!Do I regret my deconversion? In no way whatsoever. I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from me - the weight of the cognative dissonance I have carried around with me for over half my life. I still catch myself muttering words to "God" every now and again, and laugh when I realise what I am doing. But the hole that has been left where my Christian life has been ripped out will be an aching wound for probably the rest of my life...Oh, and do I regret becoming a Christian in the first place? In no way whatsoever! The life I have lived as a Chrsitian has been amazing and wonderful. And if the only gain I had from my Christian life was the love and devotion of my wife for the past sixteen years, then twenty plus years of cognative dissonance is an insignificant price to pay (but don't tell her I said that)