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Author Topic:   Humour VIII
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 5 of 1227 (714525)
12-23-2013 11:53 AM


Anode
Hears too the man on the snough plow,
Who has the appropriate no hough
Two help us awl threw.
Wier write behind ewe
Sew don't stand up nough too take yore bough.

Edited by ringo, : Spell czech.


Replies to this message:
 Message 7 by AZPaul3, posted 12-23-2013 6:28 PM ringo has acknowledged this reply
 Message 8 by Dr Adequate, posted 12-23-2013 6:59 PM ringo has acknowledged this reply

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(2)
Message 18 of 1227 (715555)
01-07-2014 11:49 AM


A fighter pilot was zooming through the stratossphere when he spotted a transport plane plodding along far below. He slammed on the brakes and went down to plunk along slowly beside it.

"Your job must be really boring," he said over the radio.

"No, actually it's the best job in the world", the transport pilot replied.

"Oh yeah? Watch this." The fighter pilot slammed his throttle wide open and threw his fighter into a vertical climb; then he proceeded to do a series of barrel rolls, snap rolls and loops. Finally he pulled into place beside the transport again and said, "Beat that."

"Okay." The transport flew straight and level for fifteen minutes. Then the pilot came back on the radio and said, "Beat that."

The fighter pilot was baffled. "But you didn't do anything."

"On the contrary," the transport pilot said. "I went to the bathroom; then I made a sandwich and a cup of coffee and checked my email. Beat that."


  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 33 of 1227 (716424)
01-16-2014 10:52 AM
Reply to: Message 24 by AZPaul3
01-15-2014 3:02 PM


Re: Observing the 2nd amendment
AZPaul3 writes:

This one passed through one ear and out the other without contacting anything in between.


It would be funnier if the bear's right arm was in the foreground (layers of subtlety). They should have reversed the image.

Edited by ringo, : How the hell do you spell "subtle-titty"?


This message is a reply to:
 Message 24 by AZPaul3, posted 01-15-2014 3:02 PM AZPaul3 has acknowledged this reply

Replies to this message:
 Message 34 by RAZD, posted 01-16-2014 11:03 AM ringo has responded

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


Message 35 of 1227 (716429)
01-16-2014 11:12 AM
Reply to: Message 34 by RAZD
01-16-2014 11:03 AM


Re: Observing the 2nd amendment
RAZD writes:

you mean bears have two right arms?


Of course. No self-respecting right-winger would have a left arm.

Two left feet is a bad thing, isn't it? So one left foot is half as bad. That's mathematics, boy. You can't argue with mathematics.

Left is sinister. Right is correct.


This message is a reply to:
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Replies to this message:
 Message 36 by RAZD, posted 01-16-2014 1:30 PM ringo has acknowledged this reply

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 41 of 1227 (717429)
01-27-2014 11:13 AM


Farmer: I want to divorce my wife.

Lawyer: What grounds do you have?

Farmer: I have three hundred acres of grounds.

Lawyer: I mean, what's your case?

Farmer: I don't have a Case. I have a John Deere.

Lawyer: No, I mean, do you have a grudge?

Farmer: Sure I have a grudge. Where do you think I keep the John Deere?

Lawyer [frustrated]: Let's try a different approach. Tell me about your wife. Is she a nagger?

Farmer: No, she's as white as you or me.

Lawyer [in desparation]: Let's make this as simple as possible. Why do you want to divorce your wife?

Farmer: Because she just had a baby and it's a nagger.


  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(2)
Message 55 of 1227 (718088)
02-04-2014 10:53 AM


George had just started a new job at the sex shop and he was working alone for the first time while his boss was out running some errands. A young woman came in and looked around, trying not to seem too interested. Finally she asked, "How much is that big silver one?"

George said, "I'm sorry. That isn't for sale."

"Come on," she smiled. "I'll give you twenty dollars for it."

He protested, "No, really, I can't...."

"Thirty."

"But it's...."

"Forty."

Finally he gave in and sold it to her and she went away happy. A while later the boss came back and asked, "How did it go?"

George hesitated. "Well, I sold your Thermos."


Replies to this message:
 Message 56 by frako, posted 02-04-2014 5:14 PM ringo has acknowledged this reply

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


Message 72 of 1227 (719475)
02-14-2014 10:48 AM


Two zookeepers were washing the leopards.
First zookeeper: You missed a spot.

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


Message 81 of 1227 (719579)
02-15-2014 10:41 AM
Reply to: Message 80 by dwise1
02-14-2014 7:42 PM


Re: Did you know...
dwiseguy writes:

One restauranteur who also works in the kitchen, a woman (restaurantess?)....


Restauranteuse.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 80 by dwise1, posted 02-14-2014 7:42 PM dwise1 has not yet responded

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 86 of 1227 (720741)
02-27-2014 11:19 AM


Little-known factoids:

Circumcision originated as an early step in equality for women - because men had foreskins and women only had one.

It was soon discovered that you could remove foreskins instead of three and still have one left, which led to the invention of creative accounting.

On a similar note, we have forefathers but only one mother. However, no way has been found to remove forefathers, or even three.


  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


Message 94 of 1227 (721054)
03-03-2014 10:54 AM
Reply to: Message 90 by RAZD
03-02-2014 10:28 PM


Re: not so much a joke as a way to have a good time
My favourite scene from Three's Company:

The roommates can't pay their rent so the landlord, Mr. Roper, is giving them a break in exchange for them clearing out some weeds behind the building. Meanwhile, Mr. Roper invites himself to a noisy party in the building.

He answers a phone call from one of the roommates, "Hello...? Yes, this is Mr. Roper.... Oh, hi, Jack. How's it going...? Oh...? You found what...? A can of what...? A can of biss...? Oh, cannabis. Cannabis!?"


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 Message 90 by RAZD, posted 03-02-2014 10:28 PM RAZD has acknowledged this reply

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 112 of 1227 (722339)
03-20-2014 12:41 PM
Reply to: Message 111 by RAZD
03-20-2014 8:45 AM


Re: Checkmate, Atheists
RAZD writes:

When did you chose to be heterosexual, or have you always known?


When I was six I knew that I liked a little blonde girl. I didn't know what "heterosexual" and "homosexual" were and I didn't know that some blondes are blonde by choice - but I knew what I liked.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 111 by RAZD, posted 03-20-2014 8:45 AM RAZD has acknowledged this reply

Replies to this message:
 Message 117 by DerelictJunction, posted 03-31-2014 9:10 AM ringo has responded

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


Message 118 of 1227 (723369)
03-31-2014 11:55 AM
Reply to: Message 117 by DerelictJunction
03-31-2014 9:10 AM


Re: Checkmate, Atheists
DerelictJunction writes:

Do you still like little blonde girls?


I like bigger blonde girls now.

DerelictJunction writes:

Do you believe these feelings are genetic?


It's entirely possible. I come from a German heritage. (I also like Nazi marching songs.)

This message is a reply to:
 Message 117 by DerelictJunction, posted 03-31-2014 9:10 AM DerelictJunction has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 121 by 1.61803, posted 04-03-2014 10:44 AM ringo has responded

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


Message 122 of 1227 (723522)
04-03-2014 11:53 AM
Reply to: Message 121 by 1.61803
04-03-2014 10:44 AM


Re: Checkmate, Atheists
1.6 writes:

ringo writes:

(I also like Nazi marching songs.)


FACIST.

Excuse me. I have to go look at Google Maps of Poland now.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 121 by 1.61803, posted 04-03-2014 10:44 AM 1.61803 has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 123 by frako, posted 04-03-2014 2:46 PM ringo has acknowledged this reply

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 131 of 1227 (723783)
04-08-2014 12:15 PM


Easter Joke
George decided he wanted to be a Mountie so he went down to the local detachment to apply.

The sergeant said, "I'm going to ask you a few questions to test your intelligence and general aptitude. First, name three fruits."

George said, "A banana and two cherries."

The sergeant hesitated and then wrote something on his pad. "I'll give you full marks for mathematcs but I can only give you partial credit for English. Let's try a follow-up question: Name three fruits that start with 'n'."

George said, "A napple, a norange and a nonion."

The sergeant hesitated again and wrote something on his pad again. "I'm afraid I can only give you partial credit again. A nonion is not a fruit."

It went on like that for a while. Eventually the sergeant said, "I have one last queston for you: Who killed Jesus Christ?"

George thought carefully, Who killed Jesus Christ? Who killed Jesus Christ?, but he couldn't come up with an answer.

Finally the sergeant said, "I'll tell you what. Why don't you go home and think about it and come back when you have an answer?"

All the way home George was thinking, Who killed Jesus Christ? Who killed Jesus Christ?

When he got home his wife asked him how it went and he said, "They asked me some really hard questions. At first I didn't think I was doing very well but they must have liked my answers because they put me on a murder case already."


  
ringo
Member
Posts: 18793
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.1


(1)
Message 135 of 1227 (724351)
04-16-2014 11:43 AM


A paleontologist said, "Wow!
I just found a pre-Cambrian cow.
Evolution is bunk
And DNA is junk.
Please mail me my Nobel Prize now!"

His biologist colleague said, "Now,
Your discovery may be a wow,
But it doesn't stress me.
What would really impress me
Would be a creationist cow."

The pre-Cambrian cow said, "Moo-oo,
I evolved from a droplet of goo.
You're free not to love it
(If not, you can shove it)
But I'm still related to you."


  
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