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Author Topic:   Humour VIII
Tangle
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Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


Message 76 of 1227 (719526)
02-14-2014 6:19 PM
Reply to: Message 75 by Theodoric
02-14-2014 5:39 PM


Re: Did you know...
And just for the purposes of rigorous scientific enquiry, I did the other thing too. That might have been a mistake but maybe someone would like to try to replicate our findings.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

This message is a reply to:
 Message 75 by Theodoric, posted 02-14-2014 5:39 PM Theodoric has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 77 by Theodoric, posted 02-14-2014 6:23 PM Tangle has not yet responded
 Message 78 by Modulous, posted 02-14-2014 7:24 PM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(1)
Message 83 of 1227 (720276)
02-21-2014 10:43 AM


THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have the freaking time to crochet.


Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android
"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.

Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(5)
Message 162 of 1227 (727147)
05-15-2014 5:12 PM


Wife to software developer husband:

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android
"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.

Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(1)
Message 216 of 1227 (733973)
07-23-2014 1:25 PM



Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


Replies to this message:
 Message 217 by Diomedes, posted 07-28-2014 11:09 AM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(1)
Message 225 of 1227 (735745)
08-23-2014 10:16 AM


A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


Replies to this message:
 Message 226 by Minnemooseus, posted 08-23-2014 5:06 PM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


Message 350 of 1227 (763095)
07-20-2015 4:50 PM
Reply to: Message 348 by GDR
07-20-2015 1:59 PM


"It's ok, he was alive tomorrow"

Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 348 by GDR, posted 07-20-2015 1:59 PM GDR has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(3)
Message 355 of 1227 (765625)
08-02-2015 1:40 PM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(3)
Message 380 of 1227 (771126)
10-21-2015 7:33 AM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(2)
Message 511 of 1227 (785240)
05-31-2016 2:04 PM


Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them.

As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read,

"Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


Replies to this message:
 Message 1222 by Phat, posted 10-06-2020 8:42 AM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


Message 514 of 1227 (786631)
06-24-2016 5:08 AM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


Replies to this message:
 Message 516 by Rrhain, posted 06-26-2016 3:22 AM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(1)
Message 529 of 1227 (787338)
07-10-2016 6:52 AM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien.

Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


Replies to this message:
 Message 533 by Rrhain, posted 07-20-2016 2:00 AM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(1)
Message 593 of 1227 (795175)
12-07-2016 12:32 PM
Reply to: Message 592 by RAZD
12-07-2016 9:07 AM


Re: Anoesis
You made me look it up

Anoesis: consciousness that is pure passive receptiveness without understanding or intellectual organization of the materials presented.

I do a lot of that


Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien.

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 592 by RAZD, posted 12-07-2016 9:07 AM RAZD has acknowledged this reply

Replies to this message:
 Message 594 by Dr Adequate, posted 12-07-2016 3:02 PM Tangle has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(7)
Message 675 of 1227 (800740)
02-27-2017 9:05 AM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien.

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(4)
Message 745 of 1227 (813315)
06-26-2017 7:31 AM


The Glastonbury Festival: enjoyed by tens of thousands eco warriors, environmentalists and anti fracking demonstrators, joining together to save the planet:


Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien. I am Mancunian. I am Brum. I am London.

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 7944
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.1


(3)
Message 746 of 1227 (813494)
06-28-2017 4:58 AM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien. I am Mancunian. I am Brum. I am London.

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


  
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