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Author Topic:   Humour VIII
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(8)
Message 659 of 1442 (799235)
02-08-2017 10:52 AM


3 beers please
A Texan walks into a bar in Oklahoma,
He orders 3 beers and goes to the back and proceeds to drink them by having a drink out of each until they are all gone. Then he orders another 3 beers and drinks them.
The Bartender tells the man it would be better to order one at a time so the beer will stay cold. To which the Texas replies, " I have 2 brothers stationed in Iraq and we made a pack that when we drink we will order beers for each of us so we can drink together in spirit.
The Texan becomes a regular and no one thinks anything of his drinking the 3 beers at a time until one day he only orders 2 beers.
The bartender comes to the back table and says, " I am so sorry for your loss of one of your brothers."
Texan says, " Oh you got it wrong, both my brothers are fine. My wife and I just joined a new church and I had to stop drinking."

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


Message 701 of 1442 (803915)
04-05-2017 5:09 PM
Reply to: Message 697 by JonF
04-05-2017 2:42 PM


Freakin hilarious!

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 697 by JonF, posted 04-05-2017 2:42 PM JonF has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(2)
Message 702 of 1442 (803916)
04-05-2017 5:15 PM


The gator handler
A Gator expert handler goes into a bar with a alligator and announces he will perform a stunt for free drinks.
He states he will put his private parts in the alligators mouth and remove them without so much as a scratch.
He jumps onto the bar with the gator and gingerly puts his privates into the gators mouth and then with a blow on it's head with his beer bottle the gator opens it's mouth and low and behold he is unscathed.
He then announces does anyone in here care to try it??????
Way in the back corner of the bar a little old lady comes forth and says, " I'll give it a go but just don't hit me to hard with the beer bottle."
Edited by 1.61803, : No reason given.
Edited by 1.61803, : spelling

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


Message 757 of 1442 (814884)
07-13-2017 2:24 PM
Reply to: Message 754 by jar
07-13-2017 9:14 AM


Re: Who needs fake news...
ACP Journals
Here ya go.

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 754 by jar, posted 07-13-2017 9:14 AM jar has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(2)
Message 784 of 1442 (816304)
08-02-2017 3:10 PM
Reply to: Message 783 by dwise1
08-02-2017 2:53 PM


Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them????
So when they get to port they can Scandinavian! Ba bum ta!!!

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 783 by dwise1, posted 08-02-2017 2:53 PM dwise1 has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(2)
Message 816 of 1442 (820358)
09-19-2017 1:40 PM


bombing

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(1)
Message 825 of 1442 (823391)
11-09-2017 4:34 PM


Oedipus and Midas
Have you heard the joke about Oedipus and Midas?
It's motherfucking golden.

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

Replies to this message:
 Message 826 by xongsmith, posted 11-10-2017 12:36 AM 1.61803 has replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(2)
Message 828 of 1442 (823431)
11-10-2017 10:35 AM
Reply to: Message 826 by xongsmith
11-10-2017 12:36 AM


Re: Oedipus and Midas
Louis CK has been accused of whipping his genitals out and masturbating. In other news others say they seen it coming.
Ok too soon.

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 826 by xongsmith, posted 11-10-2017 12:36 AM xongsmith has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(1)
Message 845 of 1442 (826834)
01-11-2018 9:56 AM


Cold war joke
Question: What do you call a Communist sniper?
Answer: A Marx man

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(1)
Message 876 of 1442 (834912)
06-14-2018 5:52 PM


Russia vs Saudi Arabia

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(2)
Message 890 of 1442 (839372)
09-07-2018 11:55 AM


work smarter not harder
So this lady arranges to have her husband funeral arrangements made and tells the mortician she would like him buried in a blue suit.
The mortician sees the deceased man is finely dressed in a impeccable black suit. The wife acknowledged he looks great in the suit but insist he be buried in a blue one regardless of the cost.
The next day she goes to the funeral home and sees her husband is indeed dressed in a fine blue suit. She is very pleased and asks the mortician how much does she owe. He explain there no charge, It is on the house.
"You see my lady, as soon as you left yesterday I had another client bring in her husband dressed in a blue suit who wanted him buried in a black one. So it was a simple matter of switching the heads."

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


Message 1003 of 1442 (857716)
07-10-2019 5:46 PM
Reply to: Message 998 by dwise1
06-02-2019 1:29 PM


Re: Proposed Additions to my Signature
Number 4 for reminds me of Scrooge.
"There is more gravy to you than the grave."
Edited by 1.61803, : add number 4

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 998 by dwise1, posted 06-02-2019 1:29 PM dwise1 has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


Message 1005 of 1442 (857766)
07-11-2019 9:23 AM
Reply to: Message 1004 by dwise1
07-10-2019 7:42 PM


Re: Proposed Additions to my Signature
"4. God speaking to you is indistinguishable from a bad burrito."
To me it sounds like something Stragger would say.

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1004 by dwise1, posted 07-10-2019 7:42 PM dwise1 has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(8)
Message 1019 of 1442 (859622)
08-02-2019 10:38 AM


You need to be saved
Some asshole knocks on my door this morning telling me I needed to be saved or else I would burn.
Stupid fireman.

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(1)
Message 1022 of 1442 (860585)
08-08-2019 4:57 PM
Reply to: Message 1021 by Faith
08-08-2019 4:42 PM


Edited by AdminPhat, : No reason given.

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1021 by Faith, posted 08-08-2019 4:42 PM Faith has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 1026 by Faith, posted 08-09-2019 8:10 AM 1.61803 has not replied

  
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