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Author Topic:   Humour VIII
dwise1
Member
Posts: 4639
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 4.5


Message 1291 of 1309 (886974)
06-22-2021 6:04 PM


MisterDeity: Qonspiracy Warehouse
The latest from misterdeity showing how the sausage of conspiracy theories is made (never a pretty sight):

At the end the buyer also wants space lasers:


"He wants the space lasers."
"Be sure to let him know that their orbits are circumscribed."
"You hear that?"
"Yeah. That's awesome. Circumcised space lasers is even better."

Share and enjoy!

 
PS

I clued in on the origin of the Jewish space lasers when QAnon Betty (AKA Marjorie Taylor Greene) mentioned power transmission satellites malfunctioning. That would move the likely source away from SPECTRE's diamond-powered space laser in Diamonds Are Forever and to physicist and space activist Gerard K. O'Neill's 1977 book, The High Frontier: Human Colonies in Space. The design of the Babylon 5 station was based on the space colony design he presented in his book. And, yes, the photo of O'Neill does have him sporting a Vulcan haircut with Starfleet sideburns.

O'Neill proposed that the space colony economy would be based on building enormous solar power stations that would then transmit power via microwave beams to receiver stations on the earth's surface. That sounds like what QAnon Betty was kind of describing in her "Secret Jewish Space Lasers" claim. Though she should have been talking about masers instead of lasers since those satellites were to be using microwave transmissions.

FWIW, I'll be wearing my "Secret Jewish Space Laser Corps" t-shirt when my skeptics group meets in person next month. Mazel Tough!

Edited by dwise1, : fixed utube tag (when did that change)?

Edited by dwise1, : the space colony economy would be based on


  
dwise1
Member
Posts: 4639
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 4.5


(1)
Message 1292 of 1309 (886991)
06-26-2021 8:25 PM


How Many ... to Screw in a Light Bulb?
How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows -- as of yet none of them can agree on the right way to do it.


  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 8175
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.8


(2)
Message 1293 of 1309 (887027)
07-01-2021 9:48 AM



Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien. I am Mancunian. I am Brum. I am London.I am Finland. Soy Barcelona

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


Replies to this message:
 Message 1294 by Phat, posted 07-03-2021 4:21 AM Tangle has responded

  
Phat
Member
Posts: 15467
From: Denver,Colorado USA
Joined: 12-30-2003
Member Rating: 1.1


Message 1294 of 1309 (887030)
07-03-2021 4:21 AM
Reply to: Message 1293 by Tangle
07-01-2021 9:48 AM


Bit Harsh
Just a wee bit. We build prisons for a reason.
Message 1261

Edited by Phat, : No reason given.


"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain "
***
“…far from science having buried God, not only do the results of science point towards his existence, but the scientific enterprise itself is validated by his existence.”- Dr.John Lennox

“The whole war between the atheist and the theist comes down to this: the atheist believes a 'what' created the universe; the theist believes a 'who' created the universe.”
- Criss Jami, Killo

“The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of a doubt, what is laid before him.” — Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You
(1894).


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1293 by Tangle, posted 07-01-2021 9:48 AM Tangle has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1295 by Tangle, posted 07-03-2021 4:55 AM Phat has responded
 Message 1303 by Phat, posted 07-07-2021 5:09 AM Phat has not yet responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 8175
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.8


(1)
Message 1295 of 1309 (887031)
07-03-2021 4:55 AM
Reply to: Message 1294 by Phat
07-03-2021 4:21 AM


Re: Bit Harsh
Phat writes:

We build prisons for a reason.

And if that mass-murdering, torturing, genocidal, ego-driven narcissistic god of yours turned up, that's where I'd stick him.


Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien. I am Mancunian. I am Brum. I am London.I am Finland. Soy Barcelona

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1294 by Phat, posted 07-03-2021 4:21 AM Phat has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1296 by Phat, posted 07-03-2021 7:39 PM Tangle has responded

  
Phat
Member
Posts: 15467
From: Denver,Colorado USA
Joined: 12-30-2003
Member Rating: 1.1


(1)
Message 1296 of 1309 (887032)
07-03-2021 7:39 PM
Reply to: Message 1295 by Tangle
07-03-2021 4:55 AM


Re: Bit Harsh
And if that mass-murdering, torturing, genocidal, ego-driven narcissistic god of yours turned up, that's where I'd stick him.
So says the pissant-sized human on a dust speck suspended in a moonbeam amidst a vast universe among many more unknowns. If a Creator---as a monotheistic concept exists, She most certainly is unlike any genocidal human described god that humans love to stand in line to chastize.

====================================
two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought!

Edited by Phat, : No reason given.


"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain "
***
“…far from science having buried God, not only do the results of science point towards his existence, but the scientific enterprise itself is validated by his existence.”- Dr.John Lennox

“The whole war between the atheist and the theist comes down to this: the atheist believes a 'what' created the universe; the theist believes a 'who' created the universe.”
- Criss Jami, Killo

“The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of a doubt, what is laid before him.” — Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You
(1894).


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1295 by Tangle, posted 07-03-2021 4:55 AM Tangle has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1297 by Tangle, posted 07-04-2021 3:20 AM Phat has responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 8175
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.8


Message 1297 of 1309 (887034)
07-04-2021 3:20 AM
Reply to: Message 1296 by Phat
07-03-2021 7:39 PM


Re: Bit Harsh
quote:
If a Creator---as a monotheistic concept exists, She most certainly is unlike any genocidal human described god that humans love to stand in line to chastize.

For once you're right. If a god does exist it's not the monster humans called Christians have described.

Edited by Tangle, : No reason given.


Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien. I am Mancunian. I am Brum. I am London.I am Finland. Soy Barcelona

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1296 by Phat, posted 07-03-2021 7:39 PM Phat has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1298 by Phat, posted 07-06-2021 5:33 AM Tangle has responded

  
Phat
Member
Posts: 15467
From: Denver,Colorado USA
Joined: 12-30-2003
Member Rating: 1.1


Message 1298 of 1309 (887056)
07-06-2021 5:33 AM
Reply to: Message 1297 by Tangle
07-04-2021 3:20 AM


Re: Bit Harsh
We almost agreed briefly...until you said this:
tangle writes:

If a god does exist it's not the monster humans called Christians have described.

Many Christians see God through Jesus.

We believe in one God,
the Father almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all things visible and invisible.

And in one Lord Jesus Christ,
the only Son of God,
begotten from the Father before all ages,
God from God,
Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made;
of the same essence as the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven;
he became incarnate by the Holy Spirit and the virgin Mary,
and was made human.
He was crucified for us under Pontius Pilate;
he suffered and was buried.
The third day he rose again, according to the Scriptures.
He ascended to heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again with glory
to judge the living and the dead.
His kingdom will never end.

And we believe in the Holy Spirit,
the Lord, the giver of life.
He proceeds from the Father and the Son,
and with the Father and the Son is worshiped and glorified.
He spoke through the prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church.
We affirm one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look forward to the resurrection of the dead,
and to life in the world to come. Amen.

Now I know that some of these educated simpletons around here get hung up on 1+1+1=1, but to me it is really quite simple. Jesus is God. He is not nor ever was a genocidal maniac. It was humans who thought that they knew and heard from God and that God commanded them to slaughter innocents, etc etc ad nauseum. It makes sense that God was "made man" through a union between the Holy Spirit and the Blessed Virgin. Surely in your past bells and smells theology you were taught these concepts.

If a god does exist it's not the monster humans called Christians have described.
If God does exist, He is not some nameless faceless energy emanating from the Universe and expressed through human ideals and logic.

Edited by Phat, : No reason given.


"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain "
***
“…far from science having buried God, not only do the results of science point towards his existence, but the scientific enterprise itself is validated by his existence.”- Dr.John Lennox

“The whole war between the atheist and the theist comes down to this: the atheist believes a 'what' created the universe; the theist believes a 'who' created the universe.”
- Criss Jami, Killo

“The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of a doubt, what is laid before him.” — Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You
(1894).


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1297 by Tangle, posted 07-04-2021 3:20 AM Tangle has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1299 by Tangle, posted 07-06-2021 6:04 AM Phat has responded
 Message 1300 by ringo, posted 07-06-2021 12:21 PM Phat has responded

  
Tangle
Member
Posts: 8175
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 3.8


(1)
Message 1299 of 1309 (887057)
07-06-2021 6:04 AM
Reply to: Message 1298 by Phat
07-06-2021 5:33 AM


Re: Bit Harsh
quote:
Many Christians see God through Jesus.

Well I don't know what that means as none of you have seen either god or Jesus. All you know of both characters is what is written in your book, and your book has this god of yours committing random acts of genocide. If Jesus and god are the same thing, then Jesus is a genocidal dictator too.

But you don't like to read (or accept) the bits of your book that doesn't conform to your personal opinions about how Phat would prefer things to be.


Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif. Je suis Parisien. I am Mancunian. I am Brum. I am London.I am Finland. Soy Barcelona

"Life, don't talk to me about life" - Marvin the Paranoid Android

"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1298 by Phat, posted 07-06-2021 5:33 AM Phat has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1302 by Phat, posted 07-07-2021 4:48 AM Tangle has not yet responded

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 19140
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.5


Message 1300 of 1309 (887062)
07-06-2021 12:21 PM
Reply to: Message 1298 by Phat
07-06-2021 5:33 AM


Re: Bit Harsh
Phat writes:

It was humans who thought that they knew and heard from God....


In other words, humans who thought they communed with God, like you.

"I've been to Moose Jaw, now I can die." -- John Wing

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1298 by Phat, posted 07-06-2021 5:33 AM Phat has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1301 by Phat, posted 07-07-2021 4:40 AM ringo has responded

  
Phat
Member
Posts: 15467
From: Denver,Colorado USA
Joined: 12-30-2003
Member Rating: 1.1


Message 1301 of 1309 (887067)
07-07-2021 4:40 AM
Reply to: Message 1300 by ringo
07-06-2021 12:21 PM


Re: Bit Harsh
Again...If God does exist, He is not some nameless faceless energy emanating from the Universe and expressed through human ideals and logic. The name is NOT Leprechaun. Or Ringo. Or Science. Or Allah. Or BigFoot. The name is Jesus. Please try and keep up!

"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain "
***
“…far from science having buried God, not only do the results of science point towards his existence, but the scientific enterprise itself is validated by his existence.”- Dr.John Lennox

“The whole war between the atheist and the theist comes down to this: the atheist believes a 'what' created the universe; the theist believes a 'who' created the universe.”
- Criss Jami, Killo

“The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of a doubt, what is laid before him.” — Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You
(1894).


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1300 by ringo, posted 07-06-2021 12:21 PM ringo has responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1304 by ringo, posted 07-07-2021 12:13 PM Phat has acknowledged this reply

  
Phat
Member
Posts: 15467
From: Denver,Colorado USA
Joined: 12-30-2003
Member Rating: 1.1


(2)
Message 1302 of 1309 (887068)
07-07-2021 4:48 AM
Reply to: Message 1299 by Tangle
07-06-2021 6:04 AM


This IS The Humor Topic, after all
Tangle writes:

Well I don't know what that means as none of you have seen either god or Jesus. All you know of both characters is what is written in your book, and your book has this god of yours committing random acts of genocide. If Jesus and god are the same thing, then Jesus is a genocidal dictator too.

*sigh*

Allow me the indulgence of getting us back on topic.


Moses, Jesus and the Old Man

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.
Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee-off, and like Jesus, he also hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green.

The old man was next. He also hit the ball into the water hazard. Just then, a big fish swallowed the ball and started swimming. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it's grip tightened, causing the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into the cup.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "Look Dad, if you're going to play, at least play fair."

Edited by Phat, : No reason given.


"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain "
***
“…far from science having buried God, not only do the results of science point towards his existence, but the scientific enterprise itself is validated by his existence.”- Dr.John Lennox

“The whole war between the atheist and the theist comes down to this: the atheist believes a 'what' created the universe; the theist believes a 'who' created the universe.”
- Criss Jami, Killo

“The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of a doubt, what is laid before him.” — Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You
(1894).


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1299 by Tangle, posted 07-06-2021 6:04 AM Tangle has not yet responded

Replies to this message:
 Message 1305 by dwise1, posted 07-07-2021 1:58 PM Phat has not yet responded

  
Phat
Member
Posts: 15467
From: Denver,Colorado USA
Joined: 12-30-2003
Member Rating: 1.1


Message 1303 of 1309 (887069)
07-07-2021 5:09 AM
Reply to: Message 1294 by Phat
07-03-2021 4:21 AM


Re: Bit Harsh

"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain "
***
“…far from science having buried God, not only do the results of science point towards his existence, but the scientific enterprise itself is validated by his existence.”- Dr.John Lennox

“The whole war between the atheist and the theist comes down to this: the atheist believes a 'what' created the universe; the theist believes a 'who' created the universe.”
- Criss Jami, Killo

“The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of a doubt, what is laid before him.” — Leo Tolstoy, The Kingdom of God is Within You
(1894).


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1294 by Phat, posted 07-03-2021 4:21 AM Phat has not yet responded

  
ringo
Member
Posts: 19140
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005
Member Rating: 2.5


Message 1304 of 1309 (887077)
07-07-2021 12:13 PM
Reply to: Message 1301 by Phat
07-07-2021 4:40 AM


Re: Bit Harsh
Phat writes:

The name is NOT Leprechaun. Or Ringo. Or Science. Or Allah. Or BigFoot. The name is Jesus.


Bullshit.

As I said, your so-called "communion" is nothing but imagination. You don't even accept the "real" historical Jesus.


"I've been to Moose Jaw, now I can die." -- John Wing

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1301 by Phat, posted 07-07-2021 4:40 AM Phat has acknowledged this reply

  
dwise1
Member
Posts: 4639
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 4.5


Message 1305 of 1309 (887081)
07-07-2021 1:58 PM
Reply to: Message 1302 by Phat
07-07-2021 4:48 AM


Re: This IS The Humor Topic, after all
quote:
Jesus and Moses Go Golfing

Jesus and Moses are out golfing. Jesus keeps going on and on that Arnold Palmer is such a great golf player, which is starting to irritate Moses.

At a water hazard, Moses suggests they play around it, but Jesus insists that he can make the shot: "Arnold Palmer could make that shot, so I can too."

Jesus shoots and it goes into the water. He tells Moses to fetch the ball, so Moses parts the water, walks out and gets Jesus' ball, then puts the water back upon returning to shore.

"If Arnold Palmer could make this shot, then so can I." He shoots, it goes into the water again, and he has Moses fetch it again.

"If Arnold Palmer could make this shot, then so can I." He shoots, it goes into the water again, and he orders Moses to fetch it again. This time, Moses tells him to go get his own ball.

As Jesus is walking on the surface of the water hazard to get his ball, another golfer sees that and asks Moses, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses just sighs and, shaking his head sadly, says, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."


 
A couple gags from the underground comix, The New Adventures of Jesus (c. 1970). Most of the stories involved Jesus returning to the present and getting beaten up by the police for being a hippy, etc.

In one, when the cop discovers that Jesus doesn't have a draft card, he orders him to go in and register. The start of the process was a wizened old woman asking him for his name. "Jesus Christ." "Hmm, a Mexican-Greek. We don't get many of those."

In another story taking place in the past, Jesus is in the desert waiting for Satan to come and tempt him. It's really hot, so Jesus changes himself into a camel in order to handle the heat better. When Satan arrives Jesus immediately tells him, "Get thee behind me, Satan!" "You want me to get behind a camel? Even I'm not that stupid!"

 
Real-life story related to the first gag was told by Bertrand Russell who was arrested and jailed for being a pacifist in WWI. An old woman was asking him questions to fill out the personal information form. "Religion?" "Agnostic." She puzzled over that for a moment and then remarked, "So many different religions, but they all worship the same God."


This message is a reply to:
 Message 1302 by Phat, posted 07-07-2021 4:48 AM Phat has not yet responded

  
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